Episode 126: How Living Your Truth Leads to an Extraordinary & Impactful Life | X.ARI | Musician, Writer, Mental Health Advocate
Get ready to meet the incredible X.Ari. She’s a queer artist, singer songwriter, and mental health advocate originally from Toronto who’s now based in Los Angeles. She’s on a mission to turn her own Pain into Power and to give you the belief, the possibility and tools to do the same. She’s contagious, inspiring, wise, and bursting with hope and light that is only possible when you’re on your unique, curated path. Enjoy this episode and I can’t wait to hear what part of this conversation makes the most impact for you.
“I have spent too much time ignoring what I already know. If I feel something it’s there for a reason. If I hear something it’s for a reason. The more I listen, the more things work out. ”
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Competitive Figure Skater since age 4
NAMI - National Awareness of Mental Health
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Follow along using the Transcript
Chapters
00:00 – Turning Pain into Power
02:00 – Music, Pride, and Early Inspirations
05:00 – Growing Up in Music and Skating
07:00 – University, Psychology, and Returning to Music
09:00 – Moving to LA and Finding Her Voice
10:00 – Mental Health Journey and Advocacy
18:00 – Self-Care Practices for Everyday Wellness
24:00 – Progress Over Perfection in Healing
27:00 – From Self-Healing to Serving Others
31:00 – Creating Wisdom Mania Fest
36:00 – Coming Out and Finding True Love
41:00 – Trusting Intuition and Extraordinary Living
46:00 – Lessons, Growth, and Collective Energy
49:00 – Choosing Love Over Fear
50:00 – Xari on the Powerful Ladies Scale
54:00 – Redefining Strength and Authenticity
55:00 – Rethinking Masculinity and Gender Norms
58:00 – What “Powerful Ladies” Means to Xari
01:01:00 – Identity, Fluidity, and Labels
01:05:00 – Turning Challenges into Creativity
01:07:00 – Lessons, Love, and Lasting PurposeI could actually transform my mindset. And by being completely open and sharing my story and, and being confident about my experiences, rather than being a coward about my experiences, I could be given the gift of life meaning and the gift of healing others and helping other people. And how powerful and incredible is that?
That's XE, and this is The Powerful Ladies podcast.
Hey guys, I'm your host, Kara Duffy. Get ready to meet the incredible XR. She's an lgbtqia plus alt pop, singer, writer and mental health advocate. Originally from Toronto and now based in Los Angeles. She's on a mission to turn her own pain into power and to give you the belief, the possibility, and the tools that you can do the same.
She's contagious, inspiring wise, and bursting with hope and light. That is only possible when you're on your unique curated path. Enjoy this episode and I can't wait to hear what part of this conversation made the most impact for you. Before we jump into this episode, I wanna remind you to ask yourself, where are you choosing good enough?
When you know there's an opportunity to choose extraordinary, I invite you to come to one of my workshops, join my Thrive membership or book of free introductory coaching session so that you can start listening to yourself as worthy and deserving of the dream life you imagine, and to start taking actions and make up plans to make it all happen.
What could be possible by stepping into your power? Visit the powerful ladies.com or kara duffy.com to take action today.
Yeah, welcome to the Powerful Ladies Podcast. Thank you. Let's dive right in. Let's tell everybody who you are and what you're up to in the world.
My name is XE. I'm a singer songwriter mental health LGBTQ plus advocate and public speaker from Toronto. Now in la. I am in the process of releasing my fifth ep Anya, dedicated to my first ever girlfriend.
And I'm making big plans for a wellness festival in 2022 and, um, trying to, my mission is to help heal the world.
And I I got a peek earlier at your amazing Pride nails if you wanna write. So incredible. Thank you.
10 different colors.
Um, you know, I would love to be, to start at where did your musical career and journey start?
Great question. Very young age. Um, I was seven years old when I started singing lessons. Before that, I always just loved singing. Um, I think it was very just much a self-soothing mechanism. It was like how I self-regulated at a young age, uh, just naturally singing. Felt like it calmed me down, made me feel relaxed, made me feel empowered.
I loved listening to the big divas like Celine Dion and Whitney Houston and, and, um, Mariah Carey. So I was very inspired by like the female big voice. And um, I just loved to sing even at religious Hebrew school, which I went to, even just singing in the prayers. I loved just being able to sing. Um, and I asked my parents to put me into singing lessons when I was seven.
Started musical theater when I was eight, and I was also a competitive figure skater, so I was competing on ice since eight years old, skating from about four. So my goal was to be an Olympic figure skater who skated to her own music. I love that. Big dreams. And, um, I've always thought big and I think that's really a lucky thing.
Um, of course I've had my insecurities, but I've always just dreamt big and had big goals for myself and, um. Loved the arts, whether it was figure skating, dancing, singing, um, or just uh, performing. And I was on stages since I was eight years old and I was in my first pop band at age 11, recorded my first song at age 10, which was an Elvis Presley cover song.
Um, and I was in competitions and just like my parents put me out there because they saw how much I really loved singing. And I was so grateful because, you know, I had, um, I didn't realize at the time, you know, but I was, had such a tumultuous and difficult upbringing with my family. I was very lucky to have the arts to lean into.
And as much as there was dysfunction in the family, there was si simultaneously such support for the arts and self-expression. So I got kind of two different. Sides of a family where one side was very difficult and emotionally destructive on the other side. They were always telling me to be creative and artistic.
So I'm lucky in that way and that was a blessing in my childhood to be given that opportunity. Um. And then I was in pop bands from that age 11 all the way till about 16. And we started getting some success in Canada and we toured parts of the US and all of Canada. We signed with CAA, we ended up disbanding and I saw like a lot of the terrible and dirtiness in the music industry.
You know, like I was only 15 years old and I was doing ecstasy and, and drinking all the time. I got this tattoo when I was 15 in Hawaii on tour. And I just like, I thought it was cool to a certain extent, but I also knew it was not right and wasn't like the healthiest of of industries and I felt like I was going down kind of a difficult road.
So I decided to step away a bit and focus on being a normal teenager and going to university and not missing school anymore for, except my whole life I was missing school for skating or music. And uh, eventually got to the point where I was like, okay, I just wanna. Go to school, study psychology, become a psychologist and sports psychologist, or a clinical psychologist.
And so I went to school for psychology and um, actively avoided music. But then I ended up in the music building all the time. People thought I was a music student because I was taking jazz vocal and in the r and b ensemble. And then I formed a band in university, started playing the Toronto band, um, circuit around, uh, places downtown that are, some of them are now closed, like the alma combo, but some really notorious places.
And we were kind of like in this pop rock, funk pop band. And then I was doing in a jazz kind of Motown r and b thing under my own name. And then I got into the cover, um, circuit and was playing like every weekend at bars and Shangrila hotel and residencies. And I kind of plateaued in Toronto for like what a cover band could accomplish aside from becoming like a wedding band, which wasn't my dreams come true.
And so I moved out to LA and since, um, 2015 about, I started coming out in 2014 and I've really, since 2015 really stepped up my writing craft through mentorship and opportunities to really get in the room and learn about writing. Before it was just singing, singing, singing and writing, but never quite knowing how to be, uh, and authentically an artist and know how to really communicate a story with training.
So I really underwent a lot of like learning and, um, craft about songwriting and, and like getting in as many rooms as possible. So from 2015 to 2021, I've been really honing in on my songwriting craft. Um. And found my message of pain into power through music and my mental health challenges, which have led me to advocating about mental health and using my music as a vehicle for advocacy.
Combining the arts and advocacy as one and really, um, with this journey and, um, purpose in life to help uplift, uplift others through being vulnerable and transparent and, um, providing resources for recovery. Yeah,
no, I, I think that's incredible and, and I love the idea of you. Being in the Olympics to your own music.
Um, you know, just being like, Nope, we're gonna combine it all and it's gonna be perfect. And it makes me think of Lizzo and like her violin. So now I'm hoping one day to see you on stage, like in skates. Like how do we make it all happen?
Yeah, so I'm actually, I'm working at the same time that I'm putting out my 50 p I've been simultaneously writing my sixth VP, which is such a fun concept.
It's called Artica, the Destroyer of Worlds. Ooh. And I, yeah. And I'm embodying a cautious record, which means a past lifetime from a hundred thousand years ago where I was a pink skinned alien named Artica with unbridled superpowers and accidentally blew up my home planet and became banished and known as the Destroyer of Worlds, and then sent to earth as a human under the alias XRE to help heal the world to make up for my sins.
That is such a great. Background to an album.
Yeah. It's so fun. Right? So I, I see like comic books and ideas in the future, but why I bring this up is because the planet that I lived on, we've decided to make it an ice planet. So I can do a figure skating, green screen music, video and combine
Yes,
aliens with figure skating and music and storytelling and mental health.
Well, I'm very excited for that because there's so many exciting things happening all at once. Whenever we can combo things, I am a yes. Um, which leads me, you know, we had the pleasure of, of having a chat before you came on as a guest and I was so moved at your, you know, confidence in your mental health journey and how it's now leading you to not just, you know, you're beyond, let me help myself.
You're now really into, let me help everyone else too. Um, what has that mental health journey been like for you and. How has it led to the shifts in the left and the rights that you've made, um, on your path so far?
Well, thank you. It's actually a blessing to be able to be high functional and healthy today to have this conversation.
Um, mental health is a journey. I definitely try not to, um, advocate for a cure, but more so for proactive care and maintenance and self-care, and just a self-awareness and radical acceptance. Um, for myself, just for some background of my experience with mental health, I first, uh, started struggling with anxiety and o cd thinking and then anorexia, and then later in life, depression, um, sleep paralysis, bipolar one, which has led to psychosis and manic episodes and more depression and, um.
Uh, PTSD episodes. So I've been given a multitude of mental health challenges, but over time and through therapy and the acceptance of my reality and using it as a, a superpower rather than a curse. And, um, through advocacy and sharing my story and feeling such support in doing so, and through medication and therapy and all the work I've put in, I've been really blessed to find joy and more meaning in my life because of it, rather than self-defeat.
At one point I was self stigmatized and wish I could take this big eraser and like white out my hospitalizations and pretend like none of it happened and just kind of like move on and put a close on that chapter and just ignore it. But I realized the more I tried to repress, the more I felt depressed.
And that using a DBT technique, which is dialectical behavioral therapy, is DBT. And um, there's a technique called opposite action and it encourages people to take the exact opposite action very literally. So if we're feeling like laying on a couch and um, not doing anything, the idea is to get up and do an exercise, you know, so.
I decided I could actually transform my mindset. And by being completely open and sharing my story and, and being confident about my experiences, rather than being a coward about my experiences, I could be given the gift of life meaning, and the gift of healing others and helping other people. And how powerful and incredible is that, right?
So yes. Mm-hmm. It's all a paradigm shift, right? Because I, and I, and I also realized, you know, if I could be the person I needed to see that is, um, you know, my duty when I had psychosis, which is for people who don't know what that is, a loss of reality could be accompanied by delusions, paranoia, hallucinations.
It's a severe symptom of schizophrenia and bipolar, or it could be drug induced. And, um, it's really a loss of reality. And at that time, I lost sense of my identity. I didn't know if I was born a man or a woman or what I was exactly. I was my whole. Sense of self was shattered. And I had to, once I was recovering, build back up a sense of who I was, which is like some kind of psychological amnesia, you know?
And I, I figured if I could survive that and I felt like I couldn't survive that at one point, I didn't believe I could survive that. And if I could go through that now three times and bounce back, and then so can other people. And what I was craving was seeing someone like me, or just anybody saying, Hey, I went through psychosis.
I was hospitalized. I have to take medication now. I have a great life. I have love in my life. I'm able to keep a job, you know, I have joy. This gave me purpose and appreciation and gratitude for life. This is just the beginning for you. If I heard someone say that to me, wow, what a relief I would've felt just so much more at ease knowing that that could be available for me too.
Just the hope. Yeah. Could have been there and it wasn't. So I want that for other people by being who I am and, and doing what I'm doing.
Yeah. Uh, and I was so moved by, you know, when we, when we had that initial conversation of how you, you listed out the challenges that you've had in mental health, and you said it the same way that people talk about like, oh yeah, I've broken an arm and I've had to do this.
And it was no different than talking about a physical, um, challenge or illness or anything else that you've had to physically overcome. And it was so refreshing because until very recently, we haven't thought about the whole body in the same way of, oh, you're hospitalized for chickenpox. Why was hospitalized for this?
And look, no matter what it is, like the whole life is still in front of us. Everything is still available. And I just wanna acknowledge you for being so brave to step into this amazing, you know, powerful person that you are. And. Telling the, the truth, telling the authentic story. Um, 'cause I, I know that so many people are waiting to hear someone's story.
Like, I heard a quote the other day that you are the answer to someone's life.
Wow. That is so powerful.
Right? It's so, and, um, that's why we started this podcast. Like people, you know, we, we often only see this 0.01% to be inspired by, and there's all these incredible humans who are doing so much every day to step into their power, to step over the challenges that come their way to be resilient and to change the world in their, their unique way that I'm like, no, we have to be telling more of these stories because think about just.
Your story alone is gonna change and give access to so many different people. So thank you for coming out here and sharing it. Thank you for doing that. Even, you know, this whole time in choosing to be, you know, the extraordinary version of yourself.
Thank you. I really appreciate that, taking that in. And I do that with nami, national Lines of Mental Illness, speaking with their Ending the Silence program as a co-presenter.
And since 2017, I've been openly talking about mental health and it's just so great to see the shift in the environment. The one good thing that potentially came out of COVID is an emphasis on the importance of mental health and this integration that mental health is physical health. It's all health, you know.
I hope that everybody gets to the comfort level where they are talking about mental health as easy it is as ordering a coffee. And I, I hope to be a leader in that, letting people know that they're safe to do that because there's not one person who gets set of life without a scratch. And if it's on ourselves who have mental health challenges, we know somebody going through mental health challenges.
It's an epidemic. And the more we talk about it, the less we feel alone, the more we can reach out for help, the more the whole world could heal as a collective.
You know, I, I talked to you on the phone as well about that psychotherapeutic yoga program I've done, it's like the only one in, in the world to combine neuroscience, psychology, and yoga.
And one of my favorite takeaways from that program is that there's an opportunity to almost start shifting from calling it mental health to brain health. 'cause it does move it into this physical space. And everyone needs brain health, like everybody. Um, and, and we. Even if someone hasn't been diagnosed with something from a, a psychologist or psychotherapist, like we all have something like, it's, it's really the spectrum of, you know, stress to anxiety, to insomnia.
There's so many everyday things that we really should acknowledge at a higher level because they could be leading symptoms or they could be giving us clues that something else is going on that we don't know of. You talked about self-care and ongoing wellness. How much is, you know, movements, eating, sleep, like, how much are those tied into what you do for yourself to, to operate and be at your best?
Such a great question and so important. Mm-hmm. Um, because it's one thing to be open and share for about ourselves, it's another to share information that we can actually use and incorporate into our life. So I like to call. Eating, drinking water, sleeping and exercise, basic self-care. And that's like a great place to start and is actually the most mandatory type of selfcare.
So drinking eight to 10 glasses of water a day, limiting caffeine intake. For example, if you are running high on anxiety, um. Stopping drinking caffeine at a certain hour, like before 12 o'clock, having a bedtime routine. If there's struggle with insomnia or other kind of sleep disorders that can involve like turning your phone off or on airplane mode, two hours before bed, taking a bath, listening to a relaxing podcast, doing some stretching, nighttime yoga, journaling, anything with low lighting, um, without being attached to screens and like a wind down, that's something really healthy.
If we're struggling with sleep, I have tons of self-care tips, including sleep hygiene on my website, XR official.com if you're looking for more self-care tips and then eating a balanced diet. So making sure that we're getting adequate amount of nutrition and, and vitamins and if we're incapable of getting that for various reasons, um, taking supplements and vitamins to, um, you know, support our healthy diet.
So, um. There's lots of different kinds of foods for mental health conditions depending on what it is. Uh, when going through like depression, comforting and heavier foods can sometimes be nourishing and or if we're feeling ungrounded, earthly, like grounded root foods can like help bring us down to earth and connect us.
Um, so food that we eat, like just eating three meals a day or eating four times a day, smaller meals and having snacks, just like taking care of ourselves and then getting a window of seven to nine hours of sleep, depending on your own needs, and making sure nothing gets in the way of that sleep is something that's imperative for me.
Like I cannot. Mm-hmm. Um, risk not sleeping and. That is one of my triggers for flaring up a mental health condition is not sleeping. Mm-hmm. So I have to really prioritize my basic needs more so than sometimes an average person who doesn't have mental health conditions, but everybody should be maintaining their basic needs to have optimal mental health.
And everybody has mental health, whether there's an illness or not. We all have mental health and physical health, and it's on a spectrum, kind of like what you were insinuating before, where we have good mental health and mental illness on the other end, right? Mm-hmm. So we're all dealing with the mental health regardless of, um, dealing with conditions, and we all need a certain level of maintenance and learn coping skills because.
Despite having a diagnosed disorder, we all go through things like deaths. Mm-hmm. And losses of jobs or loss of a relationship or moving or there's, those are some of the top stressors that happen to everybody re and regardless of having a mental health condition, which might make those situations more difficult, they're already difficult for somebody without those issues.
So it's like we all need to know how to cope. And I think that at least our generation wasn't taught the importance of self-regulation and coping skills later in life. All of a sudden, at least for my own, I was like, oh, I have to learn all these skills that no one taught me that I probably should have been taught, but no one valued them as much as now.
So now I'll teach myself as an adult to break this generational, uh, history of, you know, in my life time, in my family, trauma and abuse and not supporting proper mental health awareness. I'm breaking that chain, you know? Mm-hmm. And so when I have a family moving forward, it will be part of my duty as to how do I support my child's emotions and teach them how to self-regulate with what I've had to learn as an adult.
Um, so. That's just basic self-care. But then we can take it a step up and go, okay, maybe I have therapy once a week if I need it. Mm-hmm. Maybe if I do struggle with a mental health diagnosis, I'm willing to accept medication might be a permanent or temporary solution to what I'm going through, depending on the needs.
Mm-hmm. And, um, maybe, uh, and also exercise, which we talked before. Some people might need it every day. Some people might need it almost just three times a week. And it could be intimidating for someone who doesn't exercise at all to think about exercising every day. So start with once a week. I, I try to say like.
Let's not take on a whole mountain. Let's make a little ant hole and like keep building on it. So if we're not eating healthy, okay, take one step every day to eat a little healthier. If we, we are not getting enough sleep, okay, well start prioritizing that at least three times a week. You're making sure you get proper sleep build.
Mm-hmm. The pressure to be a perfectionist with our self-care, I think sometimes makes people give up entirely. Yeah. But it's a process and like, it's just like learning a new language. We have to start somewhere at the beginning and build blocks to get to the point to be a self-care queen. You know, I didn't wake up one day and master self care, and I do not consider myself a master yet.
Mm-hmm. I will always be building upon my blocks. Like at this point I have a technique where I write down every morning, um, meditate, affirmations, gratitude writing, intention setting, journaling for two minute experience, a savor a moment. Uh, breathing exercises or just conscious breathing, socializing and act of kindness and exercise.
So I've built towards this list so that I mm-hmm. Check in on every day to make sure I'm staying in line with my, um, self-care techniques. But I don't always check off every box. Sometimes I skip one and I try not to let that be discouraging.
Yeah, no, I, I love that, uh, approach about perfectionism. 'cause it, you know, I love the quote, done is better than perfect.
Right? Progress is better than perfection. Like we get so we, we grip so tightly to things being perfect to feel accomplished or to start, or to say, we're good enough. And it's like, well, hold on. Like we, as you mentioned, like you're not a master yet, but what does it look like to be practicing? What does it look like to be expanding?
How do we. How do we do a little bit at a time? Um, I, there's the, the book, the Happiness Project by, uh, Gretchen Rubin, I think is who wrote it. And I love the idea of, you know, once a month taking on a new practice. 'cause it allows you to work through whatever your habit building timeframe is. 'cause for some people it's six days to start a habit.
Other people, it can be 30 days or 90 days. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And also depends on how big of a shift is that habit. Right. So if you haven't worked out for. A long time, let's say nine months plus it might take you 90 days to like get into the rhythm. And so, so often, because we've heard of this like 21 day thing mm-hmm.
We stop too, too soon. And we're, we are so busy that, you know, if we're trying to reduce our overwhelm or if we just pile on like 50 things, like okay sleep and water and food, all of a sudden, you know, like you said, there's this mountain on us of other things that we don't have systems for yet. So I love your idea of like, you know, how do you build small?
How do you do the anthill? 'cause it, we wanna just be better than yesterday. Right? That's the, that's the easiest way to think about am I better than yesterday? And where
Exactly. And that's such a great point, is. To not compare our journey to other people. It's always a reflection on ourselves. Where am I today compared to my past?
How have I grown? Rather than getting caught into, well, this person's doing well, why aren't I? So it's a good reminder. 'cause comparison could be the killer of joy. So comparing ourself to ourself and that even, I learned a lesson years ago actually, that sometimes comparing myself to myself can be dangerous because there are moments where I'm doing worse off, quote unquote mm-hmm.
Than I was in the past. And so I try to go, okay, maybe right now, comparing myself to myself isn't the best tactic, maybe no comparisons and just conscious effort to constantly grow and accept the ups and downs along the way.
I love that. Yeah. And it allows you to honor your journey so much more. Right.
It's on a really shallow level. If everyone compared themselves to their fitness level at like 21. Like, it's like an un, un most likely unrealistic measure, especially as we age. Right. So who, what's, what's our best self look like today?
Mm-hmm. Exactly. Yeah.
I notice for myself, whenever I'm feeling like overwhelmed and like caring too much for me, a tactic is to really start going back to serving other people.
And you are such a serve other people person. And, and in this zone, especially right now. When did it pivot for you to, to be in service? And you've created so many amazing things with that. So I'd love to talk about the, um, the, the shows you're putting together as well to bring everything together. But when was that, that pivot for you to go from, okay, I need to serve others now?
So I'd say when I went to rehab for mental health, which just something to say about rehab centers is a lot of them are 12 step program. So it took a lot of work. But I found one called Elevations, which was, um, focused on mental health, not just, uh, addiction. So primarily I think there's this, um, belief that rehab's for addicts, but actually rehab can be for addicts and people with mental health challenges, and we don't need a dual diagnosis to need rehab.
Right? So, um, when I was there, I came to this idea, oh, I could put my journey in my music. Like I could talk about mental health through art and lean into my project and like have more meaning in what I'm doing and Wow. And I wasn't where I'm at today. Like, for example, where I'm at today is, um, my last experience with severe mental health, a breakdown was.
January, February, March, I had a bipolar, uh, manic episode for the first time away from family and for the first time on medication where I was able to, you know, increase steadily with the help of a psychiatrist and actually avoid severe psychosis and hospitalization. So to me, that is growth and progress to break such kind of patterns in my life and success.
Right? And that took years to get there. And I recognize that at some point I might have another manic episode. I'm not trying to, like I said, cure. I'm trying to grow and, and cope well, so. When I realized I could put into my music and be vulnerable, I wasn't at the point where I am today where I had learned how to break patterns or master, quote unquote, the self-care skills that I have now.
Um, but I said it doesn't hurt to share and heal at the same time. So I was sharing and healing and I was like, I'm not some guru who's mastered and figured out, um, how to live a hundred percent with mental health yet, but I'm on my journey. And if I could be transparent with other people and they see me healing at the same time as I'm sharing, like, what an interesting process.
And the more I shared, the more it supported my healing journey, because I felt less alone because other people would say, wow, me too. Or I didn't know anyone who had psychosis. Thanks for sharing it. I thought I was the only person. Mm-hmm. And I was like, wow, okay. Like this is, this is great. This could be something.
This is my purpose, you know? Mm-hmm. And so that's when I actively decided. And then this year I woke up on April 1st and I was like, you know, it's a month away from Mental Health Month. Really wanna do something important. I just first thought maybe I'll do some Instagram Live, some whatever. And then I developed Mental Health Month with XREA free online 30 day wellness festival with, um, self-care tips and workshops and spiritual sessions and talks by organizations.
And I got a ton of support and I was just so amazed because I thought, wow, you know, what? A reflection of true alignment when something is in a higher purpose and done for, um, a mission to help humanity, aside from my, my own selfish needs, but to go beyond myself. Wow. What a response, right? Mm-hmm. And so I was really motivated when Verizon Media invited their staff and Warner Music Group invited their staff, and now they've invited me to be a public speaker and.
I was so propelled and feeling like, just like all of a sudden my chakras are aligned and this, like, this, like path ahead of me is like so bright and illuminated that like, I just felt like, wow, every single struggle I, I went through was for this moment of, of like clarity and, and knowing that I'm on my mission.
And I, it's just, I kept saying the words overwhelmed and overjoyed because the amount of work to put in to host a 30 day event and the amount of joy I was experienced were so overloaded. Um, I was just really, I was overjoyed and overwhelmed and I really excited by the whole process because like I said, I've been advocating for mental health since 2017, but I never ran a festival and stepped into this leadership role and through that initiative.
I decided to create Wisdom Mania Fest, which is in May, 2022, and I'm so stoked. Um, it's, uh, the idea is enter with an open heart leave with newfound wisdom. We're in talks with LaBrea Tar Pits about using that as a location. I've been having such fantastic meetings. My girlfriend Anya helped create a great deck and I have a fantastic event architect and co-founder Samira.
And we've just together been like this unified force of positive energy and mission to uplift and heal others that so many people wanna participate. The four elements are mental health advocates doing live performances, music for mental health, and films on, uh, mental health. Self-care sessions and creative workshops.
And one thing that's gonna be very unique is I'm gonna teach songwriting and then we're gonna group write a, a theme song for the weekend, which I will later record and put on Spotify as like everyone in the room is a co-writer. No matter how beginner or advanced, no matter how much they contributed or how little everyone's gonna be included as a songwriter.
And I'm just so excited to build and create a space of community where everyone can feel safe and seen. And it's not meant just for people with mental illness. It's meant for people who are in the LGBTQ plus community, people who have an interest in self-care, who value the arts and wanna learn how to channel their pain into power, which is using self-care and, and art and advocacy in my own way.
But other people will find their way to channel their dark energy into light through transmutation and find strengths in their weaknesses. Mm-hmm.
It, it's just such an exciting festival because. Sometimes people make festivals and they're like, okay, it's just about music. Or it's just over here and there's other festivals, like a lightning in a bottle where they have, you know, some convers, some talks and spirituality and music and some crafting.
But like I love that you are layering on these big purpose driven things because I like, what has always struck me when I've gone to festivals in the past is, cool, we had a great weekend, something's opened up, but now what? And I love that you are incorporating the now what into this festival because you know, all this energy goes into it.
All this energy is happening there. And then like there can almost be a depression after. 'cause you're like, you know, they talk about like a burning man, the um, the reentry. I love that you're building things in where like you're gonna get things to leave with that you will not ne you cannot go back to where you were by going through this festival.
And to me that's, that's taking what's always been available through music and through large gatherings. And finally adding like the 10th step like everyone else has been. Like, we're, we're there, there we're there. Oh, we just, it could have been so much more. And I love that you're adding this so much more to it.
Um, I also love because music is, is so often used in different, um, in therapy and access and opening up for anything. Right. PTSD, uh, um, you know what emotion access, there's so many mental health, brain health things that music and sound can do. Um, so bringing those together just sounds like. Of course, like why ha why hasn't this been happening already?
It definitely, and it's uh, been a beautiful challenge because there are lots of music festivals and there are lots of festivals that tie in mental health in music. So it's been exciting to find a, a way to put my own spin and energy in it. And I really truly believe there's no one like ourselves. We're all human, but we all have a unique story and we all have something powerful to share.
And I'm really excited, um, because my goal is by 2025 to be the Coachella of wellness, and I'm starting smaller and understand that it has to build, and I am lucky to have the drive and perseverance to reach for my goals and my health. Mm-hmm. So I can stay high functional. So every day I can work towards making a difference.
Well, and I also hear an example of like, build what you want. What would serve you, and it'll just serve so many other people too. Right? Like it's fun when you're building, like, oh, it would be incredible if, right? And you just get to step into that and keep adding things to it. Being a member of the lgbtq plus community, how has stepping into that space in your life journey shifted your self care, your mental health, and even your, like, how did it turn your light up brighter than it was before?
Wow. I like to say that I've had these little Hansel and Gretel gay crumbs my whole life, but I just was like missing them, you know? Because when I became, because I don't feel like I came out because I wasn't hiding anything. I just mm-hmm. I'll get to that. But I just became, um, and, uh, so many friends were like, I knew it.
And, uh, my psychic friend, Elizabeth April, who is a fantastic medium and amazing source of information, all things spirituality and aliens, and she was, she's been telling me for years, you're gay. And I'm like, no. Uh, and not that I had anything wrong with mm-hmm. The idea of being gay, I just didn't know that I was queer.
So I was always like, no, I'm not, you know, I love gay people. I'm just not gay, you know? Yeah. I'm an ally. And um, and then she laughed at me. She's like, I told you so, but you couldn't listen to your psychic friend. But, um, it was interesting. It was a very spiritual awakening for me because I was doing reiki on myself.
I do reiki on others, and it was the first time I did Reiki on myself and I had my hands on my heart chakra. I was listening into my spirit guides and just tuning in and meditating on this reiki. And I got this download of information, which specific words were, you are not ready for true love until you go through a certain experience.
And then I asked, what is this experience was not permitted that information and. When I do reiki, that's my capacity of tapping into source and getting downloads. And so I was like, okay, well I guess I'm gonna have to figure out that part myself. And then I had this insight aha moment where I was like, oh my gosh, all these signs are now directing me to the experience I need to go through is dating women.
And so I just, as somebody who really trusts connecting with our inner voice and the messages given by our spirit guides, I just went with it. I was like, I'm scared. I have no idea. Vaginas intimidate me. I don't know. I don't know if I could ever hook up with a woman, but hey, you know, let's see My spirit guides.
Want me to dive into this? Let's go. And so I changed my dating app settings to women and. Just put myself out there and I decided, just be fearless. Go for it. What's the worst that can happen? It doesn't work out. Then what? What did I lose? Right? Yeah. And then I went on a couple dates, did not feel, it was like, I don't know, I don't know, like they're cute, but I feel like I'm on hanging with a friend.
Like I don't know what's going on here. And then I met Anya, she was my third date. And on the way to that date, I told myself, if this doesn't work out, I'm just gonna like take a seat back on dating entirely. Mm-hmm. And just like relax and. Her and I clicked, and now she's my girlfriend and I have a whole EP dedicated to her, and we we're as close as ever.
And she's this beautiful source of inspiration in my life. And, and I have never been this inspired by love before in my music, you know? And it, I was writing all these mental health songs. All of a sudden now I'm writing an LGBTQ plus, uh, EP dedicated to my girlfriend because it's like taken over all of my desires to be creative has been to talk about her and this mm-hmm.
Change in transformation and the joy it's given me, my life to step into, you know, this like path. Yeah. So I feel like it's really lit up my life in a beautiful way and that, um, I don't know, maybe it was something I was repressing like, I don't know. I was never hiding anything. I, I have no shame about being in love with a woman.
I'm totally proud and loud and I told my parents pretty quickly and, um, I don't care what people think. I'm very happy and I think everyone should love who they love. And. Be who they are regardless of race, religion, gender, identity, or any in individual characteristics that we use to define ourselves and who we are.
I think everyone should have peace and freedom, and that's always been my idea, uh, of life and utopian society. Um, but, uh, it's definitely, I think again, like part of bringing me into my alignment and chakra mm-hmm. Unity has been like this experience of deep connection with a woman and this kind of partnership has definitely brought me into my skin and given me a new sense of confidence and empowerment.
Mm-hmm. Well, and, and it speaks to activating like soul love. Right? Like it, you know, you mentioned like, it doesn't matter who it is or what they look like, like all the things Right. That we could put into a demographic chart, but it's like who as the words you use, like who unlocks something in you and it's, you know, we put so much pressure on on.
Classifying things. And we also put so much pressure on relationships and finding that person, like, who's your penguin? Mm-hmm. And it's like, well, like, hold on, like hold, let's, let's, you know, like, let's really look at like, are we, to your point, like there's so many times people in relationships and they're getting intuitive messages that these are like good relationships or bad.
Like we get, um, what one book calls yellow flags, not red flags, yellow flags. Hmm. And you're like, we get all these yellow flags. And sometimes they're like, lean in more. Sometimes they're like, hold on. And we are so shitty about listening to these yellow flags, whether it's about a relationship or work or what we should be doing next in our life and what we need.
And that freedom and liberation that you are so excited to have right now to me is like there's no yellow flags. It's just like green go, go, go, go, go, go.
Exactly. And every relationship takes work. I love Anya to bits, but we've had some challenges and I think we're really great at navigating through them.
And I think every partnership has ups and downs. It's just being motivated to do the work and understanding and clear communication and having compassion throughout that process. But, um, it's definitely been life-changing. Um, meeting her and going through this. It's been, it's like spilled out into my energy, into my artistic expression and like, wow, I just couldn't be more gre like in gratitude for that.
I love it. I love it. Um,
and just to add to your point, sorry to interrupt you. No, no. Yes. I, I think it's something I've been saying for years is I, and we, but I'll stick with me. I have spent too much time denying what I already know, right? Mm-hmm. So just having. The trust in the universe, which is something I tell myself every day in the mirror.
To trust the universe is given me the confidence that every little inner voice has a purpose. So the old me who used to question is this feeling appropriate for this situation that's gone. If I feel something, it's there for a reason. If I hear something, it's there to be listened to and there's no arguing with that.
And the longer I spend time denying my truth, the less I'm living in alignment, the less I'm getting full fulfillment and joy outta my life. So it should be motivating. The more I listen, the more things work out. So why won't I continue?
Right?
Yes,
yes. Yeah. It's like, you know, there's so many times when you ask someone like, what's bothering you?
And they say, uh, I don't know. And I'm always like, that's not true. Like, just stop. You know, there's a, a book I'm reading right now in my, you know, manifesting Girls Book Club and it's, uh, pause, breathe. And I'm gonna miss the final one. Uh oh. Pause, breathe and choose. Mm. And instead of like, we get so nervous to like really look at the answer, like we already know the answer.
We just aren't like every other part of our body, our stomach, like our, the goosebumps. Everything else knows the answer. And our brain is like, I know the answer, but I don't like it, so I'm gonna pretend I don't know. It's like, why? Yes? Why are we wasting our time? Like, there's this extraordinary life waiting for you.
You know, in the mastermind I'm doing right now, it's, it's a men's mastermind. 'cause I do so much work with women entrepreneurs. We have our Women's Thrive group. I was like, you know what? Like I miss hanging out with like the amazing men in my life. I'm gonna do a men's only mastermind. And it's been so incredible.
And we had this whole conversation about where are we choosing good enough when we know we should be going after extraordinary and. That fits into so much of your story, I think of, of turning on the lights of like, Nope, we're going for extraordinary. We're going for extraordinary relationship. We're going for extraordinary festival.
We're going for, you know, extraordinary art and expression. And like, I can see when you're talking about it, right? You're like vibrating and glowing and all this, all this energy is coming out that's so amazing. Like, I want everyone else like flip these switches on because it's like we're waiting for you.
Like please turn your lights on.
Yes. And I think that just goes to say we're, I think in our lifetime a lot of people are working on raising their consciousness and vibration, but we're all on different paths. Whether it's been on the amount of. Lifetimes we've experienced, or the amount of lessons we've experienced in this lifetime, and the ability to unlock those lessons to get to our highest purpose.
And you know, really I like to see life somewhat as a video game. I'm not a gamer, but in re regards to like, we're with this big basket and our job is to collect lessons. And then once our basket is like full of these lessons, we can like trade it in to be like elevated to the next plane of existence.
And within this lifetime of our human, you know, a hundred years, let's say that we get to veer God willing, you know, that we are actually lifting our vibrations in this being of this lifetime. And then depending on how many lessons we curated in this lifetime, where do we get to go in our next lifetime?
So it's like the whole purpose of of life is to learn and. I try to practice patience with other people who are not, and I try to say this with the least condescension possible, but with other people who are not at that experience yet of understanding the conversion of lesson gathering into higher frequencies.
And I just because I have high emotional intelligence and value, spiritual growth does not mean everyone else does. Right? And so just different energies. And the more we are in our own energy and higher vibrations, the more we attract our community, who's in that vibration, the more we can vibrate together and rise collectively.
But it can be sometimes frustrating when other people are at a different place in their journey, which is mm-hmm. Totally respectful. Just different, you know? Yeah. And, um, it could be like, well, how do you not get this concept? Well, maybe, maybe they haven't meditated or reflected on that concept or gone to the amount of therapy that I have to get to that point, and that is acceptable and Okay.
You know? Yeah. And so. I try to like, have compassion for the different levels of capacity for awareness.
It's patience is not my virtue. I practice it every day. I've gotten so much better as I've aged and matured. Um, but it's, it's, uh, that's something I have to come back to, especially in, in coach mode, right?
Because my approach can be so forward moving that I'm like, all right, who's in the VE bus? Let's go. And we end up leaving people off the bus because I didn't think about like, well, hold on. Like I might be speaking a language that isn't even translatable based on where people are. So really looking at like, where's, you know, how, who can I be to be more accessible and more open for, as you mentioned, like people at different levels to have access and.
That's actually really fun to work with clients on because it ties into your value ladder and what you can offer people from price points or access to you or any of the things, right? Like if, if our goal is to move people from point A to point B with whatever our gifts are, like cool. Like do we need a step ladder?
Do we need like s smaller steps? Like are we building this for a person with short legs or long legs? Like there's so many things that we get to consider, which are quite cool. And giving, giving that access. 'cause so often it's the first step people take. That's the scariest, the strangest. Um, and the first step of like having to let go, let go of a big fear, right?
Mm-hmm. So much of the, of people not living into their light, not living into freedom or liberation is, is all fear based. Big fear, small fear. Just like there's big trauma, little trauma. Like we all, we all have a whole bag of fear, rocks that we like to hang, carry around and either throw at other people or wear ourselves down.
Um, well, great metaphor. Yeah. It's so true. Mm-hmm. I'm not the genius who came up with this. I've heard other people say it. It's always a choice between love and fear, you know? And, um, I try to choose love as much as possible and sometimes I accidentally choose fear and then I try to go in and correct and navigate back to love, you know, and it's always just a constant effort of self.
Mm-hmm. Um, you know, growth and having a growth mindset is the best mindset we can have. And, um. But love and fear, it's such a teeter-totter, right? Where am I right now? And that's, I think a great place to, for introspection is like, when I'm struggling with something, where am I right now? Am I sitting in the love path or am I sitting in the fear path and why?
Mm-hmm. You know? And why am I choosing love, right? I mean fear right now. And what could I do to turn the steering wheel towards love?
Yeah, a hundred percent. Um, which I think leads right into a question we ask everybody on the podcast, which is, where do you put yourself on the powerful lady scale? Um, we measure it zero being average, everyday human, and 10 being the most powerful you can imagine.
Where would you put yourself on average and where do you put yourself on your best days?
I'm like thinking in my head, don't be delusional.
Um, I guess that's fear talking. Um, so yeah, I'd say on an average day, maybe like a five or six. Mm-hmm. And then on some days I feel like a nine or a 10. I definitely am a very confident person, and when I'm feeling it, I feel myself and I let myself shine. And I, I allow myself to feel great, you know? But there are some days where I'm like, ah, I feel self defeated, or why me?
Or, you know, and I, I have those odd off days and I really think there's like, my future to me looks like there's like a curtain, you know? Mm-hmm. And the curtain's like peaked open and I'm seeing this light in like, yeah, if I open it all at once, I might go blind, you know? But I love that. But like. It's opening and slowly the curtains are being open and like I just know that like I'm being called to my highest purpose and that I'm on the journey and I love the journey I'm on, and I don't wanna rush to the destination.
I wanna see it slowly unfold. And I just know, I see myself at some point, like in front of thousands of people and like mm-hmm. Like having this ability to affect and help others, and then empowering each of those people to do the same. Mm-hmm. And then this, like I see myself on my deathbed being like.
Okay. Let's see. The rates of mental health and suffering. Mm-hmm. And like seeing a decline and being like, I, and we are all part of that.
Yeah. Mm-hmm. And like, we
did this together.
Yep. You know, and I just, you just gave me goosebumps.
Aw. So I just, like, I really, I, it makes me teary too, like just thinking about what's to come and I just, I always go back to gratitude of like, wow, I'm so lucky to be high functioning and capable so I can continue going for my goals.
And I recognize I'll have ups and downs, but I just, I know that, um, something big there's out for me and I'm already tapping into it.
It took me a long time to realize that getting teary-eyed or crying wasn't, um, wasn't bad, but it was actually a sign that like, this is like real. It's a big thing. It's a significant thing.
And now like if I'm having like a real conversation with somebody, especially if I'm acknowledging somebody or really taking a stand for myself in something, it's hard not to get teary-eyed because to really speak to it, you have to like open up all the things and you're like, Ugh, there's like this, it's like an expression of, of truth versus an expression of weakness and mm-hmm.
That's been part of my journey of like, knowing like peti eye doesn't mean that you're like. Emotional and it's bad. It means you're speaking truth and like all the things are like coming up to say yes. Mm-hmm. Uh, so I love that, you know, you got teary-eyed talking about it. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. And I love that you got goosebumps.
And that's just our previous conditioning of societal norms saying crying is weakness. It's actually so powerful to be able to tear up a little bit and continue on. You know, it's disempowering when we can't stop and it, it prevents us from carrying on in our lives. You know, that's when it's disempowering.
But to have a moment where we are in such high emotion and we really feel it and it comes out, like that's our body's reaction to something being beautiful or sad or happy. And I think creating a shift in our, uh, impression of it being weakness is so important and, and is happening. You know, like I was at an event this week.
I performed at a pride event and I was talking with this guy and his girlfriend and some couple other people, and we started talking about something emotional and he just started bawling his eyes out and I thought. Wow, what a beautiful generation to be part of that. This young man can cry with such comfort and no one's like making him feel bad.
We all hugged him and embraced him. Like, no one shunned this guy. You know, he's not, not man enough. 'cause he cried. He's like a man because he cried. You know, like it's just a human.
Mm-hmm. Which reminds me of, um, is it Justin Baldon? He's book that's out right now, man, enough, I dunno if you've seen this, but like, there's this movement also of men trying to take this on and be like, let's redefine all these norms that we've been put on.
Like I feel really lucky that there's such a coming together of, of women and support and like, you know, doing it, moving, making changes together. And in this big wave, I'm also really aware of the negative impact that may be having for. The men who aren't getting the acknowledgement or the inclusion that they're going to need, like there's a little bit of like a whiplash happening.
Mm. So I think it's interesting to see men who are stepping into that same space and being like, Hey, like the women are redefining this stuff. I think we have to too. And you know, how do we make all this work? And obviously that's, you know, you know, men versus women, but also non non-binary. How does this fit in and how does this shift things and all of that.
So I think it's really interesting. Um, that's also a great segue into when you hear the words powerful and ladies separately, what do they mean to you? And when you hear it together as powerful ladies as a concept, does that change your definition or how those words are used?
Yes, definitely. Great question.
So when I think of powerful, I think of being in my masculine, you know, I think of like dominance, success, achievement, you know, um, power being powerful. Mm-hmm. Whether that's loud, it doesn't need to be loud, but can be. Mm-hmm. You know, uh, and taking up space Yeah. And being, um, recognized and having, uh, notable success and accolades.
To me, that's all tied in with powerful. Right. And then when I think of the word lady, I think of prim, polite, neat and tidy and fitting into a little tight dress and sweetness and being endearing and smiling and, you know, like it makes me think of like what the perception of what being like a queen would be with her perfectly cross legs and painted nails.
Mm-hmm. Right? And when you put the two together, it is like very dichotomous and very. Uplifting and empowering because women, despite what we have been defined and told we're supposed to be, can be in our masculine power and we make it a feminine power. You know? Um, femininity has its strengths and masculinity has its strengths.
And when we embody all sides of yin and yang, we're actually at our most powerful, you know, because we can channel our sensitivities or, and channel our, um, ability to be, you know, a champion and like fight for what we want, while at the same time having a softness that makes us lovable. Right. So I think that I embody as a person, I've sometimes wondered if I'm non, non-binary and on, I feel gender as a spectrum, and I, if I have to box it in something, I'd be a demi female because yes, I'm a woman and I have that, I was born a woman and I identify as a woman, but I also identify as having strong masculine qualities.
And I love that about myself. So I've always, and I, there were times where I was a tomboy and I used to always have short hair and um, you know, according to some people, I didn't dress feminine enough. And yeah. You know, but I've always loved that. Like I found joy in that and it was never because I'm trying to be a man, I would just being myself.
Yeah. You know? So I think we're on a spectrum and that the future, my friend Elizabeth April has said to me, and I so agree with the future is fluid, you know, and, um. Uh, powerful ladies is such a powerful term, so thank you for coining that for your podcast and creating a space for like-minded women to uplift each other on their journeys.
Yeah, my pleasure. Thank you for that. Um, yeah. Being, being a woman who has always been, had a lot of masculine qualities of like leadership and let's go and, you know, competitive, it's, it's been, it's interesting to me to, to, I never doubted that like, nope, I'm a girl. It's just what girls are, girls are all different.
Like there's this whole range of what it means to, to be feminine and even like tone of voice and loudness and talking like all the things. Right. And I'm really curious to see, there's so much in the world, right? That's a pendulum swing and we keep adding letters right, to the, what's included in, in gender fluidity or mm-hmm.
What's included in, in the queer community and. I'm curious, like when, what's the tipping point when we're like, oh, we're just individuals?
Like, yes, we're such a good point.
Just who
we are. Such a good point. Mm-hmm. The pendulum swing. I'm just gonna touch on that quickly. I love this metaphor. I forget where I read it or what podcast it was, but somebody said that life is like a pendulum, and in one way you swing the capacity to swing just as far the other side exists.
So where that gave me, um, inspiration is if I could lose my mind in a sense of psychosis, so deep and loose sense of reality, then my swing back is the capacity to reach the highest levels of enlightenment, right? Mm-hmm. If I could be so dissociated. Yeah, I could be so in connection, right? So it just goes to show when we're in our darkest moments, that this is actually carving a depth that could be mirrored in the opposite.
And so the deepest, darkest moments breathe the the most bright light moments, right? So it's something to hang on for, hang onto for help, and then. Interesting that you said this about the LGBTQIA plus. I think there's even a two in there somewhere for some of them, which means two-spirited, which I identify as.
Um, I was wondering the other day, where's the P for pansexual? Because isn't pansexual the ultimate fluidity? You know, um, I would say I'm a pansexual, although I've never dated somebody transgender or non-binary. I wouldn't say no to it if I was single. So does that make me pansexual? And how come we don't have a P in there?
Right. So, and a do, at what point do we have the whole alphabet and just instead of having that, those defining qualities, just our care, our defining terms, I should say. Mm-hmm. One point we just say, I'm a human and I love humans, and yeah. I just think, um, I don't know when that will happen, but I hope someday it does.
Yeah.
Well, and looking at it from a, a cultural anthropology, anthropological perspective. It makes a lot of sense, right? Like people who didn't have a box before want a box. And then yes. If the boxes are for liberation, at some point we have to give up the boxes. So choose the boxes. That's a good point.
That work for you And keep going. Right? Because there's, there's also, so our, our gender identity and our sexuality are like, what? One, one hundredths of like who we are as a mm-hmm. Human. Mm-hmm. And so it's like, okay, cool. Like it's, you know, strictly anthropologically. It's okay. Does, does everyone know that you are loved?
Does everyone know that you can find, find people who, who get you? Just like you were saying, right? Like when somebody said, oh my gosh. You've, you've gone to rehab for this. Like, I thought I was the only one. Like, I I really appreciate that right now is an organization so people know they're not the only one.
Mm-hmm. And I'm really curious about like, how these, the boxes are gonna shift and, and expand or combine or whatever that looks like. Right. Because, um, humans love classifying things. We really do.
We really do. And I think it makes us, it allows us an opportunity to understand our environment. Yes. Right. So boxes, it's funny because everybody apparently says I'm not defined by a box or a thing, but mm-hmm.
At the same time screaming, forgive me the box, you know? Yeah. So, um, it's this contradictory thing and I think. Everything's a circle, you know, like we all go in circles, everything. Mm-hmm. Putting things in a box is very limiting, but if we could just be a circle and all hold hands together in that circle and all let, everybody just exists in that safe space.
And I hope for that someday. Uh, but just so fascinating, um, thinking about all of this and wanting our, that it's such a sliver of our identities and mm-hmm. It really is. And one thing to be said about identity, one thing I read, um, not that long ago, James Clear, um, atomic Habits Yeah. Was so powerful. This section that really connected to me, um, with me about identity and how forming new habits can be limited by an over attachment to identity.
And then I realized the same thing that if I was so attached to my straight quote unquote identity mm-hmm. I would've, you know, missed this amazing opportunity for true love, but because I was willing to be fluid and ambiguous with my identity in that space of unknowing. I was granted this gift, right?
Yeah. So it just goes to show. And the same thing when I had my mental health crises where I lost my sense of identity. You know, it really like made me, forced me to be less attached to who I thought and believed I was. And less married to the idea of building up an exact formation of what boxes I fit into and, and just being more aware.
And also I've been able to play because of losing my sense of identity, been able to. Play with that. In my music, I created an EP where I developed an alter ego as a drag king character, which as my, my artist name's XI made his name Ira X and um, I did drag king and I gave him his own tone of his voice and we did duets together.
And that was to me, how I could empower my experience of, I felt like part of, I felt like I was a man when I was in the hospital. I thought I was born a man and that my parents, one of my delusions was that my parents cut off my penis and reassigned my identity and I was, I had this delusion mm-hmm. That I must have been born a man and turned into a woman and that my parents had been hiding it from me.
That was all illusion. Yeah. That wasn't reality, but it was something I was creating in my reality at the time. I think because there was masculine parts of me that I felt were like taken away from me that I wasn't allowed to have. Mm-hmm. And then when I went through that experience, I thought, well, I could turn this into art.
I'm gonna make a drag king and be in my mat and be a man. Mm-hmm. If I wanna dress up as a man and be a man, I'm gonna do that and, and empower myself by taking a delusion and creating it into art. Yeah. So it's all perspective. I could be embarrassed and go, wow, how embarrassing. I had this delusion in the hospital.
Or I could go, wow, how interesting. What a creative delusion. I'm gonna turn that into something creative and artistic.
And that's where my head went. It's like, how creative and how amazing of a brain do we have where these things are possible? And it made me think back to the yellow flags like. What yellow flags was, it was your body like, Hey, you know, like I am, I am, I'm such a believer that what we resist persists, and if we really resist things, it gets loud enough for us to, at, at the simplest level, like get back pain, have insomnia, like start having, you know, these, these, um, minor mental health things start building because their body's like, you're not listening.
You're not listening. Hey, hey, you know, you know, whatever. The thing is, like the, our bodies are smarter than we are. When I say bodies, I'm meaning brain. Brain to toes. Mm-hmm.
Whole body holistic.
Yeah. And we get signs every day and we don't listen. And when we keep not listening. We're going to kick our own ass.
Mm-hmm. It's just mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. We just do. And if we're not doing it ourselves, like the universe will step in and be like, oh, really? Mm-hmm. You don't wanna listen, watch. Mm-hmm. And you're like, ah. Right. So even in these things that we might put into the box of, of bad, right? When we first classify them, how do we move them from something bad that happened to us, whether it's a breakup or a car accident or whatever, move it into this was a lesson and then how do we move it into this was love.
Mm-hmm. And it was love from the universe because just like parental love, like sometimes it shows up in lesson form if, and, but if we don't, if we don't get the lesson, it stays in the other spaces. So like, we really have to look into it. There's so much, and I had said this to you in our, in our little like pre-chat of when you go through things that.
Challenge the core of who you are and make you question a lot of things or traumatic experiences that we all go through. Some of them in life, they always give you access to speak to other people who have been there. You know, like I can't speak to things the way that you can, just like, you couldn't speak to some of the things that I could.
And as, as if nothing else, that's always in the lesson space. Like if you've lost a child or you've had this horrendous divorce or, you know, you've, you've gone through the depths of drug addiction and back, like you can now speak to those people in a, in a, uh, people like you in a language that they wouldn't understand.
You get to be that guide you mentioned before. Mm-hmm. And as you said, like it's a, it really can be a blessing or a gift to be like, thank you for giving me that visibility. Thank you for giving me that understanding. Because just like the patient's conversation earlier, it's when we. Don't even know. We don't know what they're going through.
We can't even begin to talk to people. So I, I just think it's so incredible how you've taken everything that life has thrown at you and been like, whew. Like, it's like a, a 10 level of like, how do we make lemonade? Because we're gonna make lemonade now we're gonna make an entire line. Like you're just taking it and running with it.
And I think it's so beautiful and I, I am so excited to hear what everyone listening to this episode gets because there's so much hope, so much inspiration, so much, you know, get back to your creativity and listening. And I just think it's infectious how all of this beautiful light oozes out of you that, um, I know people will hear it just in the audio and then taking it from there.
So thank you for sharing that with us.
Wow. There are just like levels upon levels of what you just unpacked there in. All of that. Um, and I just, it's amazing to get, get to connect with you and have such insightful conversation and feel so supported by another powerful woman. And, um, just go back what you said, like, repression is depression and listening to our bodies and our minds is such an important lesson.
If it's, the one lesson we learn in this lifetime is to listen to our bodies, you know, listen to our minds and things do spill out in the silliest ways if we don't allow them to be released. It's like a water bottle that sits in a hot car. And when you open it, it, you know, everything. Right? So for me, that happened, that was my biggest first lesson with mental health when I was in university.
Um, my mental health challenges had got to a boiling point where I was suffering from sleep paralysis, which is, um, being paralyzed in waking up mid dream, but being in complete paralysis. So I couldn't move my body and I'd have hallucinations, auditory, visual, tactile. So I'd be like, touched, whispered in my ears, see creepy things, and it was traumatizing me.
Mm-hmm. And it turned out that the psychiatrist I went to, because I went to the sleep center saying like, help me. They're like, you need a psychiatrist. This is beyond a sleep issue. This is a mental health challenge. And so I went to a therapist and they were like, this is post-traumatic stress from childhood trauma coming out in your sleep because it's so unresolved.
Wow. So the fact that like I in the daytime wasn't allowing myself to process my reality, it came out in my sleep. That's, and how much it needed a release is that it became. A sleep disorder of, of hallucinations and scary enactments. And so it came out, it found its way to come out. And then ever since then, that was, uh, over 10 years ago.
Ever since then, I've actively gone to therapy and made sure, and it, and I don't blame myself because when I wanted therapy, I wasn't allowed it. Mm-hmm. And so I suffered from 15 to 23. Before that I started having mental health challenges at eight years old. But I asked for therapy at 15 and I wasn't allowed.
So I, and then I didn't know by the time I was 19 or 20 that, oh, I have the freedom to go get therapy for myself now. I didn't know that it was such a priority until it became such a challenge. And ever since then, I've made it a top priority, which is. Something I really encourage everyone to do. Health is our number one priority.
Health and good health is a blessing. So let's do whatever we can do in the moment proactively to always take care of our health first and and help support other people's health.
Absolutely. Well, for everyone who is now totally on your team, where can they find you, support you, follow you? How can they help you make all of your projects come to life and be awesome?
That's a great question. So much love to everybody who's tuned in, and I really do hope you have a good takeaway, something that excited you or gave you some inspiration, you could reach out anytime. I love connecting with people, so if you wanna get in touch, you can find me on any social media platform under x.
A RI official. My website is a great hub for resources. If you're looking for self-care tips, it's x re official.com. If you wanna stay in touch about concerts, releases, and mental health wellness festivals, you can join my mailing list. I don't send out too many emails, but once in a while when something comes up, if you wanna know about it, you'll be the first to know if you're on my mailing list.
So that's a great way to stay in touch, and if you ever wanna do something powerful and collaborate, I'm always down to unite forces with mental health and art allies.
I love that. Well, honestly, it has been so tremendous. I've loved this conversation. Um, I'm so glad that you were referred to the Power Plays podcast and, um, yeah, I'm, I'm even just using this entire, uh, episode as proof that you and I are doing what we're supposed to do.
We have connected, we're aligning, and we're building out our circle of. You are just fellow powerful ladies who are going to change the world together, so thank you so much for your time today.
I love that. Thank you so much for having me, Kara.
Thank you for listening to today's episode. All the links to connect with XA are in our show notes@thepowerfulladies.com slash podcast. There you can also leave any comments or ask questions about this episode, and of course, tell us what you thought. What did you love? What was your aha moment? Want more powerful?
Ladies, come hang out with us on Instagram at Powerful Ladies. But you can also find some free downloads to start being powerful today. Subscribe to this podcast and help us connect with more listeners like you by leaving us a five star rating and review. If you're looking to connect directly with me, visit kara duffy.com.
I'd also like to thank our composer, producer and audio engineer Jordan Duffy. Without her, this wouldn't be possible. You can follow her on Instagram at Jordan K. Duffy. We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. Until then, I hope you're being powerful in your life. Go be awesome and up to something you love.
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Created and hosted by Kara Duffy
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