Episode 190: Success Means No More Good Girl Rules | Marie Garvey | Founder, Crazy Busy Women in Balance
Marie Garvey spent years as a successful executive coach and crisis comms expert. But when she found herself alone in a bathroom stall during a business dinner she didn’t want to attend, she knew something had to change. Marie joins Kara to talk about rewriting the rules women live by, building her company Crazy Busy Women in Balance, and why “good girl training” is holding so many women back from the lives they actually want. They talk entrepreneurship, parenting, setting boundaries, and why the “quiet quitting” trend isn’t doing what people think it is.
“I was living a life that said I mattered less than everyone else in my life. Seeing that was heartbreaking, but seeing it allowed me to change it.”
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Follow along using the Transcript
Chapters:
00:00 – Why Marie walked out of a business dinner
01:55 – The pressure women feel to keep it all together
04:20 – Creating Crazy Busy Women in Balance
06:30 – What success used to mean (and what it means now)
08:15 – Quiet quitting vs actual boundaries
11:45 – Why most leaders are still trapped in performance mode
14:10 – The trap of "good girl training"
17:25 – How Marie defines real power
19:00 – Choosing adoption and building her family
21:50 – Why she doesn’t miss her old life
24:40 – What her clients are craving right now
27:15 – Making time for joy when you're a doer
30:30 – Learning to trust yourself again
33:45 – Redefining success, parenting, and leadership
And I was very successful. I worked with big companies and I'm needed, got lots of emails and all that stuff that I was saying I am successful. And I really just had to look at my life and say, what would it look like if I was living on my own terms versus everybody else's? 'cause I realized in this really kind of dark moment, everyone on my payroll had a better life than me.
That's Marie Garvey and this is The Powerful Ladies Podcast.
Hey guys, I am Kara Duffy, a business coach and entrepreneur on a mission to help you live your most extraordinary life. By showing you anything is possible. People who have mastered freedom, ease and success, who are living their best and most ridiculous lives and who are making an impact are often people you've never heard of until now.
There are so many women out there who are burned out. Have forgotten their dreams and don't even remember what brings them joy. I might even be describing you. That's where today's guest and one of my new best friends, Marie Garvey, has stepped in to change things. As a successful executive coach and communication specialist, she knew how to step into her power.
Her life was working, and yet she too was not in alignment or living with intention the way she could, taking her own experience, she started her crazy busy women imbalance program. To help women break free and step into their dream lives. In this episode, we talk about how she created the program. While we both hate the silent quitting movement and her journey to becoming a single mom, plus so much more.
Enjoy.
Welcome to the Powerful Ladies podcast. Thank you so much.
I'm excited to be here.
Let's jump right in and tell everyone your name, where you are, and what you're up to in the world.
So my name is Marie Garvey and I'm up to a lot of things in the world. I'm in Manhattan Beach, California. Lucky to be here.
And I actually have two businesses. I do executive coaching, media training, presentation training, but my love and my heart is a business I started during COVID, which is helping women find joyful success. And it's called Crazy Busy Women in Balance. And I'm, I really realized in my own life that I think women make a lot of compromises that they don't have to make.
And we're wired that way, and we're accepting less than we deserve. And how do you do that? And that was really a question I asked myself long ago and got the answers. Then once I knew the answer, I needed to share it.
Yeah. We're gonna jump right into an area that I usually wait till the end, but let's, just because of your business, what does powerful ladies mean to you?
I.
I think powerful ladies means so much to me in the sense of standing in our power, and it's a learned behavior, I think for women. Women are oftentimes uncomfortable with power. We don't know how to wear it, and society has gotten in the way of that as well. So I think when somebody is.
Power a woman is powerful. It's that they're comfortable in their skin and they drop the mic and say, you know what? This is how I feel. And not so worried about being messy and really living in their power. And that to me is a site and being vulnerable too. It's a site to be seen when we see it.
What was your personal journey about discovering balance for yourself that led to the business?
I'm a single mom. I adopted a child at at infancy and as a single mom. And I run a business and I do crisis communications, and I tried to be the same person I was without a child. And I was doing an okay job, but it was killing me. And I was in a bathroom actually doing a business dinner that I didn't wanna be at.
No offense to them, it's just that I wanted to be home with my young baby. But I didn't think I could say no. That things would be taken away from me. And I just was, I literally went to the bathroom and I was in the bathroom stall and I was like, this isn't sustainable. Like this is not gonna work and I've gotta find another way.
Which was scary to me because I obviously was sole breadwinner. I just was responsible for this other person in the world, and I went on a journey to like really figure it out because I thought that I had to work my ass off in order to be successful. And if I wasn't working my ass off, then I wouldn't be successful.
And that was just ingrained in me. I felt like that was how I got where I was and I was very successful. I work with big companies and I'm needed and, I've got lots of emails and all that stuff that I was saying I am successful. And I really just had to look at my life and say, what would it look like if I was living on my own terms versus everybody else's?
Because I realized in this really kind of dark moment that I was. Everyone on my payroll had a better life than me.
That's a big statement that I hope a lot of other entrepreneurs listening are hearing. How many of you are taking care of your people, even paying them maybe more than yourself.
For sure.
Everybody got bonuses except me. I was last in line and I saw when I realized that I looked at, that wasn't just in my work, but it was in my family, my larger extended family, my friends, I was living a life that said I didn't matter as much as everybody else and it was killing me.
And when you realized that, were you heartbroken for yourself in that moment?
Yeah. It was really depressing. Yeah.
And IC and I also had this like little like flashback of decisions I made over the years that when it got to the root of this like limiting belief lie that I told myself that I don't matter as much as everybody else. And that I can, I'm really high skilled in making everybody else Okay.
And also. I hide it really well and I can handle a lot. So it didn't really crack until I pushed it to the limits. And thank God, 'cause so many women are living before the crack. Yeah. And thinking. And thinking that it's okay. And this is just the way it is. I burned the candle at both ends. This is the choice I made.
So this is as good as it gets. And a lot of women have really good lives. It's just costing 'em a lot. And they feel guilty even feeling bad about it.
Yeah. I love the conversation lately about how you can be a great mom and you can be a great entrepreneur. Just never in the exact same moment.
And I think that's something that we like, 'cause women are so multifaceted. Not that men aren't, but there's this conversation about women we're having today and we think we have to be the expert at everything all at the same time. And you can across a day. Yeah, but it, we really have it's just impossible to, we can only be doing one thing moment to moment and choosing.
When I have that conversation with my clients who are moms and entrepreneurs, they suddenly get, the aha moment happens. The light bulb goes on about, oh, I'm definitely not charging enough because now it's a matter of you. What do you have to pay me to not be with my kids? Yeah. And that has no ceiling on what that value could be for people,
for sure.
And so much of that is the definition of what being really good at your job and a really good mom mean. And that's really where I wanna scratch with my clients because Yeah. It's what are you defining as a good mom? Because I think you're doing a pretty good job, but what, where's the rule book that says you're lacking, yeah. And same with being an entrepreneur or or a, CEO or a VP or a manager. What rule book are you living by? 'cause oftentimes it's expectations we set for ourself that are not reasonable.
And nobody's asking us to do it except us.
No, and no one's half the rules we're living by we, they're self-inflicted.
For sure. For sure. And I used to live that way a lot. I had this false belief that I, if I wasn't cooking at least four nights a week, I wasn't a good mom because I saw my friends and some sisters, doing it. And I was like, why can't I pull that off? And I was killing myself trying to do it.
And I was like can I be a good mom in other ways? And get really smart about how to make easy dinners because that's the life of a single mom, and I wasn't playing a fair game 'cause they had help. I didn't.
Yeah. And that, I think that's part of, I like that this is shifting with modern motherhood or people are revealing what's really going on. This is the help I actually have. This is what it looks like. Here are the hacks. Even for myself, I'm recording this remotely while I'm staying with my parents in North Carolina. But I still had to do all of my meal prep on Sunday night because the way that calls are stacked, recordings are stacked.
If I don't have food ready to eat, I don't eat. Doesn't matter where I am. Like like I just, it's a survival tactic at this point. Yeah, and there's so many of these cheats or pro tips, whatever positive word we wanna put on there that significantly change how we operate.
Yeah, my mentor called it a success formula, and I love that.
Thank you. It's, yes, like I love that because she would say, what do you need to do to set yourself up for success every day? Because life's gonna happen and then you're gonna be in a higher energy to be able to deal with it. And I teach that to my clients as well. It's what hacks or success formula, or whatever you wanna call it, how do you get ahead of the game?
And often. Women get stuck getting ahead of the game because they don't feel worthy enough to actually solve it, which is like getting a cleaning lady every week and they don't feel they have, oh, that's irresponsible or bougie or whatever. And it's no, you deserve that. And what would that open up for you if you did that?
And they won't give themselves permission to do it,
yeah, it's like there's so many things to break free of. For sure. For sure. How did you get into coaching?
I am I at. My career is crisis communications. And I do strategic communications. I help companies navigate difficult issues in the media and and through the public whether it be messaging or media training or being a spokesperson myself.
And through that I, a lot of my clients would call me a business therapist. Yep. And a lot of my, and then they would ask for, we have this executive that is really. Grade on all cylinders except communications. And then that grew. And so I would come in and do power communications with them and really figure out how they could show up authentically.
And and then that grew to a broader executive coaching business about and then when I took that and then I really wanted to focus on women. 'cause I've spent most of my career focusing on men, yeah. Just because of the nature of the business. Because I think women have unique.
Situations and barriers in their brains that men don't.
Yeah. There's how many hundreds of years of culture. Yeah. Like just telling you're second. You're second. Yeah.
Yeah. It not last. Exactly. We, in our, in my world of my crazy busy women in balance, we call it good girl training.
Yeah. And and we want everybody to join the Good Girl Rebellion, because there was so much we were taught as little girls that aren't serving us anymore. And and I think people think that means we need, we can be, we have to be mean. And that's not what it means.
It means you just get to be you, whatever that is, but let leave the rest behind and all that good girl stuff, which pleasing and,
waiting your turn. Really?
Yeah. Waiting your turn. Wanting to be liked, so bad that you're gonna give up your respect. There's just so many things that get in the way, being the go-to girl instead of the leader.
So many things that are bred into the Good Girl training.
I was getting my nails done two days ago locally, at a place I don't normally go to. And my parents live outside of Raleigh and. I am getting them done listening to this woman talking to her nail technician, and she is sharing this great thing about, she volunteers at a local food bank and shelter, and she puts notes in all of the kids' lunches in their backpacks to give them.
You know something, an affirmation essentially. But what she described it, she's yeah, for the girls we'll say you're smart and you're beautiful. And for the boys I'll say you rock or you are great. And I was like, I, and I heard it and I'm like, is anyone else hearing how she is separating, talking to these kids For absolutely no reason.
Wow. And
I had to do everything in my power not to be like, excuse me, like start having a conversation, because she really was coming from this really amazing, compassionate place, and I don't even think she realized. What she was doing. And I had to be like, no, this is not a coaching moment. Just shut up and get your nails done.
But it's so embedded. Like even, the Valentine's Day cards you get are separated and as people are moving into this gender fluidity kind of conversation at a product level. It's killing me that they're going, we have to change what we are doing to make it more gender neutral.
I'm like, no, you don't. Everybody was already buying whatever they wanted before, like just don't label pink girls and don't label blue boys. But we still want those colors. We still want the things,
Let us choose.
Yeah. So you know what, going back to what you were talking about of how this good girl training is ingrained.
How do you find yourself being aware of it? Like how often are you catching yourself being like, shoot, that was old training. I'm trying to be in the new training.
Yeah. You need tools. You really need tools because it's, it's gotta hold, it's your programming from a, and so many of our clients are, the women we work with are perfectionist pleasers, right?
And that's where it starts. And that's probably the most prevalent version of the Good Girl. But then it seeds into everything. And you know what I will say to people is like, how, we'll ask our women, what do you need? What do you need right now? And so many of them, so sadly, can't answer that question.
And then I just bluntly say, okay, so if you don't know what you need and you're not. Clearly getting it. If you don't know what you need, who, who exactly in your life is getting their needs met? So who are you living for? And what happens is, in the pleasing, it's tell me how I'm doing. Am I really smart?
Did I do a good job on that? And, am I a good mom because I'm ma matching with all these other people and these expectations, somebody tell me how I'm doing. And to move from a state of letting everybody else define you. And even in. Your tasks or your calendar, and how do you say no, I'm gonna stand on a solid rock of foundation of who I am.
And then I get to choose because I'm making decisions based on me being part of the equation. And that's where it starts. And you've gotta just break down all of those false beliefs, but you also have to let them start small. And, we, I was talking to somebody yesterday and I'm like, just do it and see if the world falls apart.
And I say that smart ass, because I know that it's not going to, and it's something so simple as saying no to a meeting. Or I can't do that right now, but I can do it tomorrow. And so there's boundaries involved that, and stop apologizing. We, we constantly say, we, just to get somebody to really understand the difference between men and women in the apology category, or good girl is a man has to leave at 4:00 PM He walks out the door, a woman has to leave at 4:00 PM She's Johnny's got something.
And I'm gonna leave early today, but I'll be back online at eight and then I'll be in early tomorrow. And you're giving away your power. Because you're a grown ass woman, you don't need to be saying that. And you could just leave. You're allowed, you've earned that, you've earned that.
And when we're doing that, we're basically, being small and it, we're giving away our power. And just to say, I gotta go. I. There's so much apology and there's guilt and all of that stuff. And so the, it's like learning to be aware of what you're saying. Setting another intention and using and then being in a different choice.
Or action. And that's really so important is that awareness is the first step. 'cause once you say it, you, once you see it, you can't unsee it. Yeah. And so giving 'em that tool of just really listening to looking at their calendar, doing things that are just so blatant, like looking at their calendar.
Is anything on this calendar your choice? Do you, how often do you say no? For me, I was before I got healthy on this, I didn't even need to say no. 'cause I was volunteering. Yeah, I can, so I should, right? I was living that life and I was killing me. And we start to ask questions.
It's so what will happen if they're not pleasing? If they're not happy? How do you even know if they're not happy? And to say to them, your job you realize is to perform not please somebody. You understand that and just start breaking down those beliefs.
It makes me think about the silent quitting phenomenon that's happening.
Don't get me started on that.
I do. I do because I have a semi controversial like reel coming out in the future because. Obviously we want people to have their boundaries and we want people to be valued, and we want people to feel empowered at work. I'm really struggling with this movement because there's no power in this silent quitting.
I love you. None.
I love you. I've been, I'm ready to do a video too, because I am so upset, especially for women. Maybe men can get away with it because they're given a little more grace honestly, and especially in this world of. Zoom calls, and it's hard to stand out. And, honestly, I'm all about standing in your power.
That's what we teach, right? Yeah. Don't give away your power. Stand in your power. Let the chips fall where they may. And when you're silently quitting, whatever that term is, what you're basically saying is you're not speaking up for yourself and you're not putting your best foot forward at, honestly, you've gotta look at your job and say, is this a job for me? Companies should reward and they should validate, and they should do all those things. But if you're not speaking up, how the hell do they know? Yeah. And also, you're showing people what you are capable of. If you're showing 'em that's all you're capable of, then you're stuck.
And if you're okay with that, then fine do it as a conscious choice. But I would rather have you go to a different company or speak to your boss about how, what hours you want to live the life that you want, and see if the company will accommodate you and be part of the decision instead of opting out of your life and your career.
Because that's dangerous. It's dangerous on a variety of levels, specifically for your own brain, because you'll never know what you're capable of. Because you're just doing half ass, and I just, it, it really, it sounds powerful. The way people are writing about it and talking about it is not powerful.
No, it's very much the 6-year-old arms crossed in the corner.
Yeah. Petant child. Yeah. I'm like, guys, you are better than this. No, I don't want you abused at work. And yeah, this is not the way to solve that problem. And it's. It's been really interesting to hear about that phenomenon while coaching entrepreneurs who are hiring young people who may ne not have any corporate experience and the challenges that are showing up where people are like, I'm done at four, and you're like no.
Hold on. Being done at four. You are like, we're not at the post office. We're like, you stamp it, put it away, and you, and it's done. This is a much bigger thing. There's, it's not about working 24 7, it's not about working a hundred hours, but there's about knowing what the intentions and the commitments are and how we all get there together, and it's really interesting to see this pendulum swinging of, we're gonna work until we crash. And now it's we're not gonna work at all. And you're like, wait, hold on. There's actual, if you like what you're doing, you don't stop working, but Right.
We it's about healthy boundaries, right? Yes. And companies need to honor healthy boundaries.
But I think the whole workforce is in for reckoning with this new generation coming in because they're gonna, the senior people I'm making some generalizations here, are probably from a different generation, or at least at the start of that generation. And they were taught to work their butts off, right?
And prove themselves and all of this stuff. And, care about the product and, not leave until it's done and be a good team player and all that stuff without boundaries, which isn't healthy. And then this group, like you said, is coming in and saying I wanna leave at four and this and that and the two have to come together.
We need to recruit a workforce and create. A workforce that these people feel welcome 'cause they're the future. But we also need to get work done and things out. And so I think that it's just about conversation. It's about conversation. And then ultimately choice. Not everybody's gonna be a fit for every company.
And it's, one of the most valuable things to do is hold people accountable for their behavior. Because if they're not working at a job, it must be a miserable experience for them. And when you ultimately, in the worst case scenario, have to get rid of them after giving 'em a shot and all of that stuff, they can go on and be amazing at something else or in a different company where they're understood and fit.
And that is not a failure. That is like finding your way and just having those conversations instead of, this is what I demand and then that's not gonna work and then we are never gonna come together. But it is gonna be a wild ride until the two sides figure it out.
Yeah. And I wanna be whispering to everyone if you wanna know how to work the system call me.
Yeah, exactly. There's a way, there's a way to make. All of it work, and it doesn't have to be this giant protest to make it work. There's so many myself and so many other people are examples of what, like I got way more out of every job I've ever had than I gave, and I gave more than a hundred percent.
Yeah. So there's ways to make all of this happen, but there was a lot of boundaries and setting up for myself and asking for things. Really being cause in the matter versus just floating along and hoping someone noticed I was drowning.
Yeah. And then speaking up before you get to that point is where I learned to be.
'cause I was the exact same way. But for all these people coming into the workplace in this quiet quitting or leaving at four or whatever it's really not. It should be about doing your best job, right? Yeah. And not whether it's four or three or 10, and not that I hope it's not 10, but every once in a while it might be 10, not every day, or it's not maybe the right job for you or not healthy, but.
It's what are you bringing to the table and are you doing your best job so you can feel good about it and your contribution? That should be the conversation versus four or eight or five or six, or it's focused on the, that's why I'm so confused by this. 'cause it's focused on the wrong thing.
What's your contribution? What's your job? What's your responsibility? What do you need? Let's come together.
I agree. All right. We can high five each other while we're trying to change this whole conversation. Thank you. I needed to get that out. I'd love to pivot a little bit and talk about something that's really interesting to me personally, which is your journey to become a mom.
And how you got there. Yeah, just how did that whole process happen that you're willing to share?
Like everybody, I thought that my life would. Evolve and unfold like everybody else's. And I'd meet the guy and we'd have children. And and that didn't happen in the way that it, I thought it should.
Yeah. And I was sitting there at 40 and not for lack of trying I was sitting there at 40 and thinking, had this moment actually where I was meeting a mentor of mine that it was and I rarely get intimidated by people 'cause of what I do for a living. And I was meeting this woman I really admired.
And she asked me if oh, are you married? Do you have kids? 'cause I was of the age, and I got small. Yeah. Like I just felt my whole body go, oh no. And I was like almost ashamed and I didn't realize that I was feeling that way. And I went, I took the day off and I went home and I just had this like real.
Aha moment or whatever God moment. And it was like, if my life, like if somebody, if God sat on the end of the bed and said, it's not happening for you. You're not gonna meet the guy that your life is going in a different direction, what would I do? And I, not to be dramatic, but the first answer in my head was like.
I wouldn't kill myself. Okay, I wanna be a mom. And I think that was really, I'm being vulnerable with everybody because it was a really important moment for me because I'd put so much in being like everybody else. Everybody else got it. And that I didn't realize I was tying it to my identity.
Yeah. And like some kind of failure yet on every other level, I was success, quote unquote. And doing great and had this big life, but I, that was the one thing I wanted that didn't happen. And when I thought to myself like, it's not everything, when I really looked at it flat in its face, it wasn't everything.
It's a lot, but it wasn't everything. I was like, I wanna be a mom and for me I didn't, I, my dream was to have a child with the man I loved, right? And so when that was off the table, I really thought about adoption. Because, I and I did think for a moment about IVF and I was like, Nope, that's not right for me.
And I think that you have to find that right path when you've hit that moment. For me it was, there's so many children out there and I, I never expected to be in this place, so I'm gonna leave it open to whatever comes my way, will be the right child for me. So I, in a lot of adoption. Stories, you are agencies and such, you're able to pick, different things.
And for me it was just like, bring it on. 'cause I never expected to be in this place. So whatever comes my way is the plan. And I got really lucky at getting into an adoption agency in Texas through some family friends who introduced me. They took a chance on me because I'm a single mom and a domestic, domestic infant adoption is not easy in the us except through lawyers. And I got lucky. And I went through a journey and sure enough the birth mom that picked me was, just a little bit. She loved being different. And she liked that I was different. And it took about a year and a half to two years, which is much faster than I thought it would be.
And guess what? I got est. Strangely, I got a little girl who looks a lot like my family. It's crazy. And big personality and it's just, she's just amazing and it's a God thing, we came together in this great huge world and we're meant to be together and it's really. It was really amazing.
Yeah. And and now I've met a guy and I have that too, but it didn't come in the order that I thought it would. Yeah.
Yeah. Thank you so much for sharing because I, there's so many women who I think are in those positions now of
We've, I think, been, we've had mentors and leaders before us to show us what it's like to break corporate ceilings or entrepreneurship ceilings.
And. One of these last places that I don't think people are talking enough about is how do we redefine motherhood based on what we need? Yeah. And what works for us. There's a another amazing woman Demi, who's been on this podcast and actually had her and her daughter on it as well, and she had a biological son, and then she's no, I, she was single at that time.
And she's I know I'm supposed to have a daughter. The story of getting her daughter is amazing. I'll link the episode in the show notes 'cause it involves helicopter rescue. Oh my goodness. Yeah. Like one of the most she told, I didn't know that was coming in our episode and I was like, wait, what? Hold on.
Rewind. But I just, it was so inspiring to just hear be like, Nope we're making this happen. This is what I want. We're gonna make it happen. And that's all that really mattered, because again, that good girl training is also rooted into what family looks like, what motherhood looks like. Yeah.
And it's, and for, go
ahead. No, you go ahead. And for a lot of women that they need to be a mother, i've had a lot of women. Face that same moment that I did, and knew in their absolute heart they couldn't do it alone and didn't wanna do it alone. And that was okay too. I think that we get to create the rule book, and it doesn't always, in that moment I was like, my life didn't turn out the way I thought it would.
And then my sister, who, was facing breast cancer said, nobody's life turns out the way they thought it would. And it was so important for me to understand that because I think that we get to, in those moments where we're facing those big decisions or that lack of, or it didn't work out the way I thought, or it doesn't look like I thought it would to just be in quiet and peace.
To hear the answers because we are so focused on keeping noise in our brain that we're scared of the answers. And I think what was brilliant for me was I probably was thinking about it for a long time and I had no idea until I got quiet and really just, had a conversation with myself.
And I don't think women do that enough.
Yeah. But there's so much power in that pause. Even going back to what you were talking about before of what do you really want? What's for you? Yeah. There's sometimes I have to even go with clients to be like, why do you live in your house? Do you remember like, why we have to, can we get to something that, you've chosen and can we get to you seeing why you did it?
Yeah. Why the city Let's, why this? Let's get back to basics. Yeah. Yeah. Because we're humans are so good at running on. Autopilot and just going. And we get to it. We wake up one day and we're like, how did I get here?
Yeah. Like
I, it was like when you drive and you can't remember any of the turns you made, yeah. Like we have to go back and sometimes choose after the fact.
I agree. And one of the thing, one of the lines my father used to say, and I then made it part of my business, is dream Big Revise often, which is the sign behind me. Love it. And one of the, one of the things we teach in our course is what dreams do you have?
And in week, in week one. They can't, so many women can't fill out the list. They can't 'cause they're living in survival mode. And like I had one client, she allows me to tell this story. She said I'm, she runs two businesses. One of them is accounting firm and she said to get out of 1300.
Piece mailer by, June and I just started laughing and then I said, when you were 13, did you really dream of getting outta 1300 piece mailer by June? And she's oh my God. I'm like, that's what you do. It's not a dream, and it was so hard, but and I have a lot of women crying 'cause they can't fill out what their dreams are because they stopped dreaming.
'cause they're living in survival mode because they've got so much on their plate and they're b trying to make it all work. And by the end we, clear the clutter and then they're like, you know what? I might wanna do a podcast. I might wanna write a book. And, I want, maybe I do wanna go for that promotion, or maybe I don't.
And they're not living in scarcity anymore and survival mode. And it's so important that, just like you said, yeah. How do we get here? Like, where do you wanna go? Yeah. You're not just on this track and you have no choice. What does it look like? What does your future look like?
What's the best version of your life look like? Let's dream a little and call it in. Yeah.
And I think so many women. Think that survival mode looks a certain way when it often looks like happy, successful. Yeah. Life. Life is great. It looks good. Yeah. Does it mean it's you, the extraordinary life that you have access to and it's like it's a whole.
I love unpacking that stuff with people though. 'cause Me too. You are like, do you know what's over here? It's all that.
Yeah. I always say, it's like you're living with this huge building in front of you. And as we start to break down the, the bricks of that building your dream is to live on the beach.
And you think that's never possible. And oh gosh, it's ridiculous. And then you break down that building in front of you and you've been living at the beach the whole time. And you just didn't realize it. Because you're just so focused on just getting through and like you said, getting through looks from the outside.
Amazing. You've got this amazing life. You're taking trips, you've got a good career. You look at this beautiful family or whatever you're dressing nice, all this stuff, but what in the quiet of your soul do, are you living in alignment with who you really are? Yeah.
And when you see your.
Clients and the people you work with get to that place? What, like, how do you know when they've got it? Like how do you know when it happens? That's such a good question.
Every single time it is a sparkle in their eyes. It's a sparkle. It's just that I'm lit up again inside. And, I just, there's so many women that say, I used to be that person, and I forgot.
It's just so hard to find her again. Yeah. Under all this pressure or whatever, I used to be fun. I used to be what, whatever it was for them. And I just, it's being harder and harder to access her. And then when I see that twinkle in their eyes, oftentimes this also, the shoulders aren't so high up, right?
The body starts to get a little looser, but they're just more playful and, and just a little less intense and. Focused, but it's the sparkle in their eyes. And once I see it, it's such a, it's Ooh, it's here. Yay. Yeah. And sometimes I have to give 'em tough love for them to find it.
'cause they're like, I don't know. I don't know. You need to understand. And it's okay, so you got a choice. 'cause I can't do this for you.
Yeah. There's a part of me that just really likes when you like. When people get really combative or defensive or they're like really pushing back against the coaching, I'm like, Ooh, okay, we're about to break through.
This is gonna be great. And people are like, why are you enjoying this? I hate you right now. And I'm like, 'cause I know what's coming. I know, right? You wouldn't resist if you wouldn't resist if
it didn't matter. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my gosh. We're like shared. We're like sisters from,
a hundred percent.
Yeah.
Love it. That, this is selfishly why I love this podcast. 'cause I just get to make new friends the whole time. Yay. Yay. So being a, a girl mom and with the business you have, how is that shifting how you think about motherhood and raising her and. How are you incorporating all of this into her at her young age so you can set her up, as best as how,
gosh.
I it just little ways. First, as a parent, it's the single most important thing that you can do is model some behavior, right? On your best days model behavior and show her what it looks like, to stand in your, be honest, like one of the best lessons that I learned in motherhood was to show my emotions.
Because my mother, as awesome as she is didn't ever show her emotions. And I didn't learn how to feel emotions in a really, I didn't, except you're okay. And I, when I'm hurting, I, she sees me cry. And I don't protect her from that because then she knows she can cry when she's hurting.
And she also knows that in a couple minutes I'm gonna be fine. And that teaches her she can be fine. And that was probably the hugest lesson for me, is to show vulnerability with her. When I make a mistake, I say, I didn't do my best. And I'm sorry. And I'm modeling that for her versus, my way or the highway or not admitting it.
And especially in the puberty age 'cause she's 13 boy. Whew. It's a lot. And to have to, I didn't handle that well, and I'm sorry. And, that I think is number one. And then two, just making sure that she is, understands how powerful she is. Because she's not a victim.
And even when adversity comes that what do you wanna do? What do you wanna say? And, letting her have that choice and teaching her that. I also write little notes in her lunchbox, but they do say things like, you rock. You're more powerful than and slay it and make this day work and don't let other people define you.
When she was getting bullied a little last year and, just reminding her that she is in control I think is the single most powerful thing we can teach our girls. Yeah. And she teaches me every day, especially this generation, like you said, the whole concept of gender and all this stuff.
It's wow. Like I really need to think about that. It's really quite remarkable.
Yeah. And I one of the few things that I'm always studying or practicing our other languages, and so much of it is. All gender oriented because so many other, especially Latin based languages are so gender driven that I'm really curious like how that's gonna start changing as well.
It's easier actually in English Yeah. Than other languages. But no I, there's. When I first started coaching, I had life coaching, financial coaching, and business separated, and I quickly saw it all had to get mushed together because, especially small business owners, like it's all one and yeah, I I hate the phrase work-life balance.
I think it's so I do too.
I don't think it's possible.
No, it's like saying spring seasonal balance. You're like, what? It's not even a grammatically correct sentence at that point.
No.
So how, what are you doing for yourself, being a mom and having two companies and being such a stand for other people.
What are you doing to make sure that you have the balance across the commitments that matter to you?
I was my first client, and I do what I teach and when I don't do what I teach, 'cause I'm human I start to slip. And then I gotta get back on my tools. The single most important thing I do every day is my mindset stuff when I wake up.
And I really encourage every woman who's listening not to look at their phone right before the right when they wake up. Just give, start your day with you. At least ground yourself in you. And just, even if it's breathing and setting an intention for the day, that takes two seconds. And it shifts everything because the minute we pick up our phone, it's about everybody else.
And the pressure starts, right? And a lot, and I, like myself, I use my phone as my alarm clock, right? And you just can't have, so I took my notifications off my phone so that I get to look at when I see it, right? Versus all these notifications when you wake up, right? And I think that's the single most important thing.
I use my tools, but I also have a support system that I use regularly, but mostly. I've learned to understand the signals. I'm in high awareness most of the time, and when I start talking negative in my head, I know that I'm actually, I now know that I'm on the brink of something.
Like I must really be pushing the boundaries or my guardrails because I am really beating myself up. So I'm scared of something and what's going on, and I start to ask myself more in a state of curiosity than judgment. And when we can shift to that 'cause we're so horrible to ourselves as women in our heads everything changes.
I just really stay in a state of awareness and the three pillars of my program is awareness, intention, and action. And that they all come together. And I think that if, when I live in that way, I do it, but also to just be kind to myself. 'cause I'm messy and I never allowed myself to be messy before.
And so I have to remind myself messy is good because I am a recovering perfectionist. And messy is good. I'm not always gonna do it right. And I just go to self-compassion and try to not fix it all the time, just lean into it and really breathe and just let it flow through me Versus fix cope rational.
And I just, I really just try to stay in a state of self-compassion where I can. And when I can't find it, I call a friend, and help them, help me access it. And then also. I really worked on in the last several years, and this is gonna sound funny, but joy. Just to be more playful.
I, I am a, I'm a doer. And I get a lot done and I make a lot of things happen and I can get lost in that sometimes. And to just continually be playful and joyful and access joy and know what brings me joy and bring it into my life is something, it's a practice that I work on every day. And that sounds so silly.
'cause it's the opposite of joy, right? It's supposed to just come, but I work at it because I know my own self can just get the to-do list done.
Yes. So put joy on your to-do list if that's how it works.
Exactly. And know what brings me joy. So many times women don't know what brings them joy, and finding those little ways to access it, whether it be music or sitting on the floor.
Petting your dog or going for a bike ride or skipping down the hallway. Sometimes when I'm really stressed out, I'll skip and it just changes everything because it's like such a kid-like joyful thing and I look ridiculous. And then it's ooh. That left me. Yeah. Just whatever I can use to trick myself to get back to playfulness.
Because I think that's the first thing that goes when we're overwhelmed and stressed and exhausted is playful and joy.
Yeah. Playful, joy, self-care. It's all. It's all there. I a tool I've created, I work with clients is on my eight spheres of life and half of it, it was inspired by the designing a life.
Book series that came out. But they have four. They have like business, career, relationships, finances, and play. And I was like, looking at it, I'm like, I like it, but it doesn't feel complete to me. And so I added four others, which are I don't it's curiosity learning self-expression and the missing one right now.
But it's all in the giving ourselves room like. We don't like when's the last time you took yourself to a museum or an art show or just went for a walk and didn't have an agenda to see what showed up and who showed up and coming back to that 8-year-old self is so important to me. Yeah. And 8-year-old me would get on the bike with friends and just go and go figure it out.
There wasn't, the agenda was just to go figure it out there. That was it. And I have to keep reminding myself to come back to that too, because. Similarly of okay, I know how to get things done. I know how to make structures. Go. And it's we're gonna have a no structure day.
Yes.
Have a little panic attack and then have no structure.
Breathe through it, leave the dirty
dishes in the sink and do something else.
Yeah. But I've been, we're working on strategies right now for the new year with a lot of people, and I told them like, if you have to, if you can't make a date with yourself to dream about next year.
I recommend doing what I just did, which is go run away for a while, pack a carry-on and go somewhere where you can't do dishes, you can't do laundry, you can't hang out with your can't do your regular appointments. Go put yourself in another environment where those things go away because like it's so easy to be like, I don't wanna think about this.
I'll do dishes
for sure and unplug. Unplug. That's the thing. It's like we are uncomfortable with quiet. Yeah. Because the thoughts come in, and so we're never in a space of quiet except sleep.
And sometimes that is not quiet.
You've got the noise machine on or whatever people sleep with music on or what.
But quiet is such a, that a quiet practice. One of my friends calls it that. But being quiet and checking in with yourself, honestly, when the volume is up, where ev every noise and everything is bothering me, I know I need the opposite. Like just unplug and get quiet. And just breathe.
And whether it's I walk, 'cause I live by the beach and I'm lucky to do that and gosh, it's crazy what comes in my mind, and I leave feeling so much better. And it could be 10 minutes.
Yeah. No, I love that. So obviously we're on the Powerful Ladies podcast, so I'm curious, how have other powerful women in your life guided you, supported you, and helped you get to where you are today?
Oh gosh. I'm surrounded by such amazing women, so that's always awesome. I think when I was early on in my career, a lawyer, she was probably. A decade older than me at the time we were in a meeting and I was pretty young to be in that meeting and have a voice and I had said something and then I left and I spoke up and did something right.
But I left and I was feeling like, oh God, should I do that? And this and that. And she pulled me aside 'cause she saw it and she said, you're gonna have to decide if you wanna be respected or liked. And I said. I just threw me and she said, because your job here, your job is your job and you need to be respected to do it and take liked and leave it at the door.
Because as a woman, it's gonna be hard. And if you're aiming for, liked, you're gonna miss the mark on your work. And it was so important to me, one that I so appreciated her. She was really powerful and she didn't even seem that accessible. So it was really surprising to me. She felt very buttoned up and she pulled me aside and just showing me that mentor moment.
And it changed everything for me. And I, my job is to go into meetings and tell. Big time executives, they can't do something 'cause it'll not work in the outside world. And when I was able to just set aside, if they think I'm aggressive or all the words that people like to use when women are showing their power, I gotta let it go.
'cause this is my job. And I don't think I would be as successful as I am doing what I do. If I didn't have that advice early on, that was the one, that's the one thing that comes to mind.
Yeah, no, I love that. It's. If I had a magic wand, I would free women of being liked. Yes. Yes. It's that good girl
training again.
Liked versus respected. And by the way, people still liked me because I'm a likable person. I'd like to believe, and it wasn't that I was setting my personality aside, I was just not focused on being liked. It was focused on doing my job.
Yeah. And so often the things that we're afraid of from a personality perspective, we could never actually be.
We're, you mentioned it before about pushing people. Sometimes I'll just tell clients like, I dare you to go fuck it up. Try, right? Try see how bad can you make this go. Yeah. Make you know you're not gonna
let the ball drop.
You're not going to. No. Yeah. Just like someone who's afraid of being a jerk or an asshole, like you just can't be it.
Like you'll never be that person you're afraid of being. 'cause you've worked so hard for so long to be over here. Yes. But it's come over a little bit. A little bit to the dark side will help.
And, so often women are trying to turn down the things they think are liabilities or too much, that word.
And they're, what they're doing is setting their biggest tool outside the door because being who they are in their authentic self is the single most powerful tool they have. And if they're playing at half measure or trying to be like somebody else there's, they can't possibly reach their maximum capability and it can't feel good.
Exhausting. Usually not. They're, it's totally exhausting. And they're leaving all their great God-given tools outside the door instead of just accepting who they are and bringing their weaknesses in with their powerful stuff and letting 'em all equal out into who they are and just show up in your highest power.
Yeah.
I love that.
Me too.
So as you are preparing to, go into Q4 for 2022 and preparing for 2023, what are you most looking forward to or excited about?
We're really expanding our reach with crazy busy women in balance. And I'm really excited for the plans we have 'cause we're doing a lot more marketing and we're doing live trainings and I'm just excited to serve more women.
And we're really looking at, taking it up a notch.
Amazing for everyone who wants to follow you, support you work with you. Where can they do all those things?
Crazy busy women is all over the place, so just search that. But crazy Busy women.com is our website. It'll tell you everything about what we do and who I am and what we offer.
And if a live training is coming up that you can sign up for it. We're on Instagram and Facebook and LinkedIn. Crazy busy women.
We ask everyone on the podcast where they put themselves in the powerful 80 scale. If zero is average everyday human and 10 is the most powerful you can imagine, where would you put yourself today and on average?
Ooh.
Okay.
Today I am gonna give myself a 10. Why not? I overcame some adversity this morning and I am standing in my power most of the time I'm pretty high. I've worked on it. I'm, I think where I go lower is in motherhood and I'm still working on that. Do I stand in my power as much and have as much confidence in motherhood as I do in other aspects of my life?
So I think that if as a whole, I'm probably in the higher middle most of the time. Because I try to show up in my power and model what I teach.
Love it. And then we've also been asking everyone this year, our audience and everyone who's a part of Powerful Ladies is powerful and has lots of tools and resources and different keys that people need.
So we've been asking everyone, what is something you need or want?
Oh gosh, what is something I need or want? I, I'm gonna get personal here. I want some people in my life to be healthy Yeah. That are going through some really tough health problems. That's what I want the most. Yeah. What I need is, what do I need? See, I know. What do I need here? What I need is a vacation. I'm trying to plan one right now. 'Cause summer was busy. A vacation. Like a beach vacation. That's what I need right now.
Perfect. Don't you love that you live at the beach and you're like, I still need a beach vacation.
I'm one note in that way.
I do love the mountains, but there's something about the beach and the ocean that just brings me joy.
It's, it just, you can, it's so easy, I think to just fall into the rhythm and have to stop being the one that causes the rhythm to happen.
Yes. Yes.
I really wanna acknowledge you for saying that what you need is something that most people wouldn't ask for, and I think we underestimate asking for people to be in the space of attention or prayer or meditation about.
Things that we can't always be a tangible contribution to. And I love that's what you've asked for today. It was honest. Yeah, no, so often people are like, I need a marketing person, or I need this. And it's no, you said what you really need and if nothing else, we all get to include you in our thoughts on that, which is more powerful than I think we gave it credit to.
Thank you. It has been such an honor to have you today, to meet you and to get to share your story. I'm really excited that we're now connected and we get to, start changing all these women's lives side by side. Yes. I want you in my life.
We have such, honestly, there's so much to share and thoughts and what we wanna do with the world.
And I just really enjoyed meeting you.
Same. Thank you so much and I can't wait to hear what they're gonna say about this episode. Thanks for having me. I really appreciate it.
All the links to connect with Marie and Crazy Busy Women in Balance are in our show notes@thepowerfulladies.com. Please subscribe to this podcast wherever you're listening, and please leave us a rating and review. That step is so important to helping us find more amazing listeners like you. Come join us on Instagram at Powerful Ladies, and if you would like to connect directly with me, please visit kara duffy.com or on Instagram at Kara d.
I'll be back next week with a brand new episode and a new amazing guest. Until then, I hope you're taking on being powerful in your life. Go be awesome and up to something you love.
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Created and hosted by Kara Duffy
Audio Engineering & Editing by Jordan Duffy
Production by Amanda Kass
Graphic design by Anna Olinova
Music by Joakim Karud
