Episode 325: What If Love Is the Only Answer? | Hillary Whittington | Author, Transgender Advocate, and Mother
Hillary Whittington is an author, transgender advocate, and mom who never expected her life to become a beacon of hope for families with trans children. In this deeply personal episode, Kara and Hillary explore the realities of parenting a young trans child in a conservative community, navigating deafness and gender identity, and choosing love over fear—every single day. Hillary shares her family’s journey with grace and honesty, from her son Ryland’s early words, "I am a boy", to becoming a public advocate, even in the face of serious threats. This conversation is for anyone who wants to better understand the trans experience, for parents trying to support their kids, and for all of us who believe in leading with compassion, curiosity, and courage.
“We don’t want our children to have to go through anything difficult. That being said, they are who they are. I think it’s less painful for them if they know they have a soft, loving place to land at the end of the day.”
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Follow along using the Transcript
00:00 – The Start of Hillary’s Story
02:00 – Parenting Through the Unknown
05:00 – Acceptance, Faith, and Family Tensions
08:00 – The Turning Point
12:00 – Reframing the Narrative
15:00 – The Reality Behind Trans Debates
20:00 – The Hidden Trans Community
27:00 – The Risk of Speaking Up
31:00 – Support, Strength, and Real Community
36:00 – What It Means to Be a Powerful Lady
I saw the statistic that, I think it was 41% of the transgender community had attempted suicide, and that was staggering. I just couldn't even imagine that number being okay. And so in my mind, I thought, and I've said it a million times, but I'll say it again, I would rather have a living son than a dead daughter. It wasn't worth it.
That's Hillary Whittington. I'm Kara Duffy and this is The Powerful Ladies Podcast. This is a really important episode. There is a lot of noise right now about the alleged effects, and as a result, rights of the trans community across many spaces, sports, schools, healthcare, children, workplaces, the military. Statistically, the trans community in the US is 0.6% of our total population, less than 1%. That's a lot of airtime and political time for such a small community. So why does everyone care so much, and why are people so focused on taking away the rights for this tiny community? I think it's because of the myths being created about what it means to be trans and who trans people are. If someone is afraid of a trans person or worried about a trans person, or uneasy about the idea of trans, it tells me that person hasn't met a trans person.
And they definitely haven't met someone who loves a trans person. On today's episode, we have Hillary Whittington, a regular suburban, conservative, raised American wife and mother, who is completely caught off guard when their three-year-old said they were not their biological gender. In this episode, she shares her and her family's journey of raising, accepting, defending, and always loving her trans child.
It's a scary time to be trans in America. As such, I'm especially thankful Hillary was brave enough to share her story. She like us believes fear is not a reason to keep quiet when it matters so much. Welcome to the Powerful Ladies Podcast. Thank you so much for having me. Let's begin by telling everyone your name, where you are in the world, and what you're up to.
My name is Hilary Whittington and I live in San Diego east County. And what am I up to? I just finished my master's degree in Marriage and family Therapy and raising two kids.
What led you to becoming a marriage and family therapist?
That is a long answer. I went through quite an ordeal with my oldest child when I guess the biggest part of it was when he transitioned. He was assigned female at birth and he transitioned to male around five years old, and there's a lot more to that story.
So I'm really excited to talk to you, for a couple of reasons and you just hit on a core one, which is you have a young child who is transgender and most of the time when people are talking about trans rights, it's either that they're an adult who's talking about it or they have adult children and they're talking about it.
I think it's a really unique perspective to have a young child. And what you're going through. 'cause also to give people context who aren't familiar with Southern California, you know there are parts of Southern California and in San Diego that are very conservative and the Oceanside area is where we have Camp Pendleton right next to it.
There's a lot of military in the San Diego area and while there are some very progressive perspectives, California has this really interesting mixed bag of. What parts are liberal, which parts are conservative, and based on what community or town you're in, it can vary dramatically from one to the next.
I'm excited to get into your story. I'm also excited because you were referred because you went to school with one of our team members' moms. Yes. Ms. Berry, she's one of my favorite people. Yeah. And so I loved when we get such a powerful referral coming in and there's a personal connection too, but I would love to start going back to. You know the life that you and your husband would've imagined and like where you were at before you even had kids.
Yeah, I, so I graduated from UC San Diego. I went straight outta high school and just was working through college. I met my husband my third year. He had just finished his master's degree from Cal Poly San Luis Obispo, and it really was love at first sight.
We fell in love pretty quickly. I. Just adored him. He wanted to become a San Diego City firefighter paramedic. Even though he had his master's degree in engineering, he was passionate about helping people. And so we were engaged about a year after we met. Had a very typical life in San Diego on the beach and young and fun and sun.
It was great. We were married in 2005 and about a year after our marriage. My brother was killed in a car accident and that was, sorry. Thank you. It was devastating. Which I mentioned that because it catapulted me into wanting to become a mom sooner than I think most people. I was young.
I was 25 when my son was born. And he seemed like a typical baby at first. Of course, he was my first, so I didn't really know any different. But we soon found out that he was profoundly deaf and that was definitely a struggle. Not only just because I didn't know anything about the deaf community, but I worried that he would be isolated and have to live a life in isolation and not be able to communicate with our family who's all hearing.
Thankfully, we. Did our research and found something called cochlear implants. They don't work for everyone. You have to have the anatomy for them to work. Thankfully, Ryland did. There's also a little piece of that puzzle that I need to mention. Cochlear implants are not seen in a positive light by the deaf community because they feel like their community is being taken from them and you're fixing something that isn't broken.
We started on that journey knowing that we would have some enemies moving forward, but we thought it was important to give Ryland that opportunity to choose. And if he chose to be a deaf person with a capital D later on in life, then he could do that. But if we didn't give him that opportunity, then.
He wouldn't have that choice. If you don't give a child cochlear implants early, then it becomes more difficult for them to learn how to hear later. It's complex, but anyhow, so we move forward with cochlear implants. He received them at 18 months of age. He was activated at 19 months of age.
And I also think it's important to note that I saw signs early on that I ignored and I. Was afraid to face. I think it's a very common theme with parents when they see that there's something different with their child. It's like they don't wanna believe there's anything off or different. And it was a very big lesson for me because if I would've paid attention sooner, it would've been a much easier journey with him.
So ironically, he was implanted. I taught him, I had to stay home with him to teach him to speak and listen and it was quite the job. And soon after he received his implants, some of his first words were, I am a boy. So he was assigned female at birth. I thought he was my daughter for a long time, and had your normal parent thoughts.
Like he would walk down the aisle in a white dress one day, he would be my shopping buddy. All of those things that moms think of when they think of a daughter. And I quickly had to throw that whole idea away. I say quickly, but I guess it wasn't quickly. There was a long, about three years where there was this awkward, uncomfortable movement of Ryland towards masculine things.
And it was a painful process because in our society, parents, other parents judge you, other people judge you and. Ryland would throw fits if he had to wear dresses or eat off of a pink plate, or if the doctor gave him a princess sticker at the end of the appointment, or just little mundane things that seemed so simple were just like very painful for him.
And so at the time, my husband was a San Diego City firefighter at, like I said, so I was a primary caregiver for him, and I tried to talk to Jeff about it many times, and Jeff, not only was he in a masculine profession, I think he didn't want to realize that there was something else going on with Ryland and Ryland may have to deal with even more.
I remember even thinking, Ryland would be a lesbian. That was fine with me. We have. Members of the L-G-B-T-Q-I-A in our family. So that wasn't a big deal, but it was something different. Yeah. And so you can tell me to slow down if you want, or take a break. I feel like it's a, it's a long story, but I'll try to just.
Hit on the most important pieces of it, if you like.
But I think that going into this detail is actually really important because so many people let me start here. My personal belief is if you are anti-trans community, you've never met someone of the trans community. Like I think that there are just so many people because it is such a small community.
It is a, we talk so much about it at a national level based on the current administration, and I remember there being a stat that more kids in Texas have measles than there are transgender athletes in all high school and NCAA sports and. Not that because it's a small community, it should be ignored or minimized in any way.
But it just speaks to the fact that there are so many people who haven't had the privilege of interacting with someone who was trans. And I, and that's why I think going through these details of what did you see and how did you go through it? Because I have some really dear friends. Who have two boys.
They were assigned male at birth and one of them has always loved Disney Princess movies. 1D, see Disney Princess Toys has also played with traditional boy toys, but they've just allowed him to. Love on all these princesses. Like he talks about wanting to marry them and he, he's the most complimentary child I've ever met.
He'll walk into the room and tell all the women like, you're so beautiful and oh, I love your outfit. And it's just like this sweetness that be cut. They've allowed him to be, to explore and be a part of who he is and. He'll, he's still going camping and jumping off rocks and doing all the other things, and plenty of people will look at them and be like, what are you doing?
His father's in the military. And I just love that they're letting him just follow what he likes and not be so stressed out about it. And a hundred percent I think that there are some people who are, because they don't understand it, are so afraid of it, and the second they see their child. Acting outside of their assigned gender. They panic.
Yep. It's what we've done. We've always had these ideals that we've raised our kids with. Even as silly as the blue is for boys and pink is for girls, and, women just these ideas that we've inserted into our children. That is really harmful.
And I think I did miss a big piece of the story. I came from very conservative Christian roots. My parents are still very conservative and, I didn't have any agendas. I have always been a lover of the L-G-B-T-Q community, it's even different when you're going through it with your own child.
Because obviously we don't want our children to have to go through anything more difficult. With that being said, they are who they are and I think. It's less painful for them if they know they have a soft, loving place to land at the end of the day. Yes. The world will be cruel to them in some ways, but for them to know that they're loved unconditionally at home is so important.
And when Ryland was five, I remember I was putting together Christmas cards to send out to friends and family. And on the return address labels, we, I had little characters of each of us. And for Ryland's character, I chose a cowboy hat. 'cause he had, he loved cowboy hats. And at the time he had long, beautiful blonde hair that he hated that I put Bose in.
And I remember him coming in, Jeff was at work and he said, mom, how could you do this to me? And I was confused. How do, what to you Ryland? How could you make me look like a girl? On that card, and I stopped and I was still struggling with it myself. I was trying to do research, but I didn't understand, and I said, Ryland, it's because you are a girl, honey.
And at the time he looked at me and he just ran off and began crying. So that night in bed, I laid with him and I would read him books every night and he taught me and he said, mom. When the family dies, I'll cut my hair so I can be a boy. So in his mind he, wow. Yeah. He wanted to wait until we were gone so that he could be himself, because he didn't wanna disappoint us while we were still alive.
And even children know, they pick up on cues. They know. They know by our reactions, how we feel about things. They are watching every move and they're soaking it all in. And he knew that when he presented as male, there was a, an inkling of it not being okay in our home. And that was really difficult to me.
And again, that was with many other things that were happening. So I was struggling every day with clothing, everything. So the next I remember, so that night when he said he wait until he died so he could cut his hair, he takes off his cochlear implants and he began crying and he fell asleep.
That's his way of saying I'm done talking. As soon as he fell asleep, I started crying and, the next morning I thought it was over, and the next morning he woke up and he said, mom, why did God make me like this? And it was just, again, I was doing my research during that time and I saw the statistic that, I think it was 41% of the transgender community had attempted suicide.
And that was staggering. I just couldn't even imagine that number being okay. And so in my mind, I thought, and I've said it a million times, but I'll say it again. I would rather have a living son than a dead daughter. It wasn't worth it. And this was 10? No, this was 12 years ago. So there was no Kaitlyn Jenner.
There was nothing in the media. You look online, couldn't find anything. It was so hard to find support groups and anyone who understood this topic I just thought that adults were transgender. I didn't realize that they started as children feeling the exact same way. Not all, but most. So anyways, that was a really pivotal moment for me.
And I think you, you mentioned a little bit earlier, I think that it's totally human to love, respect and appreciate someone in a minority community. That is a neighbor that is one degree away. That is someone down the street, someone from a different family. And there is a reckoning when it's in your immediate family because it changes the future you had planned.
And I have a friend whose husband has come out as trans and they called me and they were like, they go have, being in a queer relationship was never on my bingo card. Yep. And I said, I'm like, like I feel like everything's up for discussion now because it's different and it doesn't have to change you loving the person, but there's a lot of other factors going on here that need to be considered and looked at.
And we have to allow people time to adjust expectations. It doesn't mean that you're anti the community, anti that person, anti loving them. It's like you can hold space for both. Like holding space for your son to be who he knows he is, and also hold space for you to also go through the transition that you have to a hundred percent.
It's completely different. It's two different experiences that have to be managed. How, what was easier for you accepting him or. Recreating the future you imagined as a family? The recreating,
I think, and again, I think that's one of the lessons that I really want to stress to parents, whether or not their kid is trans or not.
It comes down to, even parents inserting their likes and dislikes into their children when it comes to sports or anything really, these ideals that we have of how our kids should be. Yes, there are children and we give birth to them, but they're all very individual with such unique likes and dislikes, and they're picking up on our cues all the time.
And it's hard to hide those cues for a lot of people. Even me, I want my children to do well in school and I want them to, have respect for, all of the things, right? But at the same time, I think we need to give them space to be their own individual self. And it's a hard thing for a lot of people to do.
But we see it even in families that would have, a quote unquote traditional nuclear family. The dad was the football player. The son could care less about sports, and they are always left in this disappointing each other space. My mother grew up very much a tomboy. Like she would, when she was going to school, they had to wear dresses and skirts to school.
She would come home, take off her school clothes, put on her brother's clothes and go play with everybody in the park. It drove my grandmother insane. And, but I think it speaks to the fact that there has always been the spectrum of masculinity and femininity and where everyone sits on it. We're, and we also know when we look back through history that there have always been. Transgender people.
Yep. There have and I didn't realize that. I think, once obviously we started diving into this whole world, one of the things I did was I started reading as many biographies as I could. Of trans adults. And Janet Mock was one of the first that I read redefining Realness as our first book.
And 99% of these adults felt the same way as a child, but they didn't have the space to be who they were. Even, even now it's hard in our current situation. So think about 20, 30, 40 years ago what, these poor people had to go through in living in these. Very conservative, rigid homes, and it's heartbreaking to hear some of their stories about just not feeling good enough, not feeling like there, there was something wrong with them.
And what if this is just another human variance? What if it's like blue eyes or brown eyes, or red hair, brown hair? What if it's just another variable? What makes us so unique and beautiful and amazing? And unfortunately our society has created this idea that this one human variance is just terrible and there's something wrong with you mentally.
It's in the DSM as being a mental disorder. When in reality, what if, whatever God you believe in, what if God created us all uniquely in this way? In certain communities, trans people are lifted up as being holier and having almost like a spiritual.
Two-Spirit.
Yeah. Like a greatness where they, bless people for marriages and I think it's just unfortunate that, especially in the United States right now, it's just such a hateful, horrible place for trans people. And you're picking on the most marginalized community and it's just, it's not okay.
I also think that it is. I haven't seen people talking about this. I'm sure it's being talked about in just circles. I'm not a part of, but I find it appalling that everyone is up in arms about trans women in sports and could give, it doesn't care about trans men in sports. And it just further speaks to.
The binary distinctions people have of male versus female. Some of the schools I went to growing up, we moved a lot and some of them are like very small and some of them are huge. And at the very small schools we had a lot of co-ed sports teams, co-ed, soccer, co-ed, wrestling, co-ed, hockey, like there were a lot of sports with varying physicality requirements that were just co-ed because that's the only way everyone could play if they wanted to or fill out a team for that sake. Yeah, and I, there's this beautiful poster that I've seen and it's all us women, Olympians, and I think it's for the Summer Olympics that they did this, but they're all lined up.
It's quite a long poster and you see the variety of. Just female athletes. Some of them are six foot four, some of them are like look like refrigerators with like wide shoulders and super strong. Others are, four foot, nothing. And there's this huge spread of what women actually look like and.
I don't understand how the realities of the variations of our physical form is being skipped over in all of these conversations. Yeah, I don't know. There's so many things that make me crazy.
Yeah. And to be, this is a sticky topic for so many people. The one thing I will say about this is that two things.
The first is that now that kids are getting blocked early, like Rylan. I know a ton of, trans girls who came out very young, who've been blocked and they've never gone through a puberty that they didn't align with. So you have now this new generation of kids who have never gone through let's just say the trans women, they've never gone through a male puberty.
So they are just like the other girls, they've never had testosterone, like they would've if they weren't blocked. So now you have this group, and then you have the other group who unfortunately weren't listened to or maybe didn't understand how they felt early enough to block it. Maybe they didn't have the support or the ability to.
To have blockers financially, or family support, any of those things. So then you have another group who had to go through the wrong puberty, who, let's just say love sports, and that's their outlet. So you're going to dock them, you're going to punish them because they didn't have access to what this other group of kids had over here when it's like the one thing in their life that gives them hope and joy, and you're gonna rip that from them.
It's a very complicated topic that I don't think anyone is really digging into these variables because the kids who weren't blocked they have privilege, or I'm sorry, the kids who were blocked have privilege. And I will say that I don't wanna leave out the kids who didn't have access to being blocked.
But nevertheless, it's still just a really sad thing to see.
Especially when there are so many studies about how participating in sports boosts confidence. You get higher grades, you become a better leader as an adult, you have more coping skills. There's so many benefits to participating in sports that outweigh the competitive nature that people think is being hijacked.
Like even the trans girl who was running, who was participating in track for the California State High School Championships. I was looking at the information, first of all, again, seeing this girl with all the other girls, I would dare someone to be able to pick out which one was the trans girl. Yep.
And then I'm looking at the statistics and I'm, I'm being really aggressive about this. Be like, okay, let me pretend to be conservative for a second about this. They weren't placing first, they weren't doing, they weren't participating in the competitions, the races that are typical scholarship given what are they call like shot put in things are not typically what you get a scholarship to for college.
They weren't competing in the 200 yard dash type of things. Now, I may be inaccurate about what the final races were versus what I saw when I was doing this research. But if we're really gonna look at this from, are we holding back assigned at birth female athletes for their opportunities in life?
Like, where was it? And most of the kids who wanna participate aren't going out for any sort of scholarships. They just want to play with their friends.
You actually reminded me of something I wanted to mention earlier. You had made a comment about how some people have never met. A trans person.
The interesting part about that comment is that they don't think they have met a trans person. They actually probably have and don't realize it because you can't tell. If someone is trans all the time. If you met Ryland, my son on the street, you would have no clue he was trans. There are so many trans people in this world where you would have no idea.
And let's be honest, people don't want to outwardly. Say that they're trans right now? No. It's not a celebrated identity in our culture, unfortunately. So there's very few people that are talking about it who are out in the open about it. Obviously there's a privilege to being able to not tell people.
There's some people who don't have that privilege. But yeah, I just wanted to mention that because I think we've actually all met trans people and just don't realize It.
No, I'm so glad you brought that up. It's such a great point there. There was a trans person who popped into my for you page, and it's a trans female and they were.
Walking down like a suburban street and they're like, okay, I'm visiting family in outside of Atlanta. And they're like, I'm just gonna record what happens while I go on this walk. And they recorded like four different cat calls and they go, nothing brings me more joy than knowing that these conservative men are cat calling at a trans woman right now because they can't tell no. And if they can't tell, I have one. Absolutely.
Yep. Yeah it's, there's, it's very complex. This whole, journey that we've been on opened my eyes to so many things that I'm very grateful for now. Because once you've, I'll admit I come from a very middle class, privilege, I guess place of privilege where I didn't have anything I had to worry about, in a way.
And when you have something that makes you other, it just changes your whole perspective on everyone and everything. And if I want people to support and respect. It's I don't know, I just feel like I need to offer everyone else the same. Love and curiosity. Not try to judge people from afar and think I know what it's like to be them.
You have no idea until you're walking in someone else's shoes.
No. And most of the time you haven't even experienced. The, even the smallest moments that make it different. I in a different topic of where people are feeling really different right now. I had a coffee, a networking coffee with a white male lawyer.
Who was lovely in, great human. And we were talking about an immigration attorney who I asked to come on the podcast to talk about what's happening right now. And they said, I can't. I'm a naturalized US citizen. I've received threatening letters about who I represent and what my status is.
Like I have a US passport and they're saying it can be taken away if I represent these people because I wasn't born here.
And yeah, in the same light I'll be honest, I was nervous. To come on your podcast today because it's not safe right now for me to talk about this. And deep down, I hoped that this wouldn't get out too far to the public.
Because I don't want to stir the pot right now. It's not worth it for my family safety to talk about this in this moment. And it's such a hard thing. It's like having your hands tied behind your back because I really think this is important stuff to talk about. It needs to be talked about, and we're all being punished for talking about it.
If you're too loud, we don't know what could happen to us. It's terrifying.
It's totally terrifying. And bringing up that lawyer conversation, I shared that story with him and he's what? That's happening. And I'm like, yeah. And he goes, if I got a letter like that, I would tell them to fuck off.
And I go, that's because you can. Yep. This person is feeling that, but they can't take that risk because they don't have, that's what privilege is. It's not even, they might, they used to have the same legal protections that you do, but right now that's up for grabs and that's really terrifying.
And. They're younger than you are, they also happen to be female. There's a lot of things that are against them. Versus you. And that's the gap of privilege. And for things that, I think that's a good marker at this point. If you, if something would happen to you and you wouldn't be afraid, you would just tell 'em to cut it out.
You would like, if you would feel no big deal to reject what was happening, that, that's the privilege of showing up because. There are people who are afraid to show up to work. Right now. There are people who are not going to school. Yep. Like the number of the number of trans children who are being homeschooled.
And again, it's like, why are we, it's like you're doing it for protection. Yep. And often they're asking for it and it's oh, but you're missing out on all this incredible stuff and amazing teachers and amazing friends and. Like those are hard choices that nobody should have to be making. Absolutely.
And. We had two, were we recently, we traveled to Mexico with a big group of families and I was so anxious. I just, all of the stories I've heard of people not being able to, get back to the US and, I had to call some of my friends that work in customs and border patrol and say, Hey, is it okay for me to go to Mexico and come back?
Do I have a target on my passport? For being outspoken about trans rights or, my husband was going to delete his Facebook and his, all of his social media in case they confiscated our phones. And it's just insane to me. And to be honest, Ryland, his passport right now says mail. But I don't know when I renew it, what's gonna happen and then what, so yeah, there's just so many unknowns right now that are very scary.
And, 12 years ago when we were out publicly about our story obviously there was some trolls and some scary things that happened, but there it was nothing compared to the most recent publicity we did. We were asked to be on Fox News for their pride segment. It was like three years ago maybe.
The repercussions that we got from the most recent, that most recent situation was so scary that I had to call the FBI. We were afraid for our lives, and it was it made me realize that it's just, it's not worth it, to put my family in danger. In order to speak out on this topic we at least wanna get Ryland through his last year of high school.
He's, a senior now. He has one year left. And when you feel like your family's in danger, it just completely wrecks your mental health because we're not gun owning people. We don't have, we, I don't wanna have to protect myself in that way, to be honest. Yeah.
No, I completely get it.
And we'll cut this part out, but we can talk offline as well about what you want. Public or not, and we can protect you as there however you want to be. I also would love to connect you with some other moms like yourself if you want to be connected to them. One of them has a high school child, the other has an adult child, and.
I just feel like there's like this, they're amazing. One's a lawyer and one is like on a rampage.
I might know them. Are they parents of trans kids? Yeah. Because I feel like it's a pretty small community, so I may actually know them. I don't know.
I love that.
Or know of them maybe. I don't know. Are they, yeah.
They publicly out or are they I think so. I don't know my one friend talks about it all the time and. We were on a walk and she basically was saying how she did this test on her social media. She looked at how many followers she had and did a post and then looked at how many she had afterward a story.
It wasn't even like a feed post, and she was able to see who left and she went and messaged them. It was not, I was like, I see you. I see that you left after the story went, I thought you were my friend, and now I know. And I was like, wow. Yeah, she's just. Her confidence and like level of whatever privilege she thinks she has to talk about this or her. Gives no fucks approach.
I love that. Jeff did that recently too. He did a pride post let's see, like last week. And he lost a good amount of people. But in a way, I think that's a great experiment because you're cleaning house. I really wanna surround myself with people who lift me up and support me and, I was listening to another one of your podcasts with some other ladies on there, and it was really good. You just have really, I love some of the people that you have on and just your insight. Thank just, to keep positive people around you and lifting other women up. And I think so often I'll find, there's been some women in my life who have a lot of jealousy or, sort of it's hard to explain, but they don't wanna lift you up. I think they wanna push you down so that they can be bigger. And it's so hard to see that because and that's one of the biggest lessons that I'm trying to teach my kids, is to lift all their friends up, be happy for their friends when things go well and just know that there's enough positivity for everyone. We don't have to push others down to, to be successful.
I love that you brought that up because I wanted to ask you like. What has just wowed you in regards to support and love and like, where have, where's all the light been in this process for you?
I think just knowing that people are having those conversations when I'm not around to it, it's one thing for me to defend myself, but to know that my friends are defending me and saying, yeah, actually, have you actually met that family?
They're actually really good people and those are really powerful moments for me because I can't be everywhere all the time, and of course I'm going to defend my own kid and my, my, my own family. But it's nice to hear when. Others are having those difficult conversations. It's easy to be silent when someone says something nasty, and it takes true courage to intervene in a kind way.
And just to help people think of it a little differently. Because obviously, if you're gonna attack someone, they won't, they're not gonna be listening to you. But if you can do it in a kind and loving way, just to help them think outside the box a little bit. The, I think for me, that's really powerful.
Just the little conversations that are happening all around me that I don't even know about sometimes.
And I think too I think people forget that most families, most people in the US like we're quite wholesome. And, if we use the gay community as an example, like the only thing different about them is that they're gay.
But they still want the house and the pick a fence or whatever that version is for them. That's what they fought to be able to get married, yep. Yep. They want family dinners, they want vacations. Like it's not different. And I think that making it different when we're not looking at the 99.9% of things that are exactly the same.
Yep. I, there's so much room to realize how similar everyone is and. We're, why are we missing the opportunity to celebrate what makes everyone special and unique? When again it's such a, it's like the sparkle on top. Everything else is real similar and real boring.
Yep. I agree a hundred percent. And there's. Yeah I couldn't agree with you more. My, my brother-in-law and his now husband, they're, you're just like your most typical couple. They just like to go have, nice dinners and, I don't know, I just think. Yeah, I do think that people have these ideas that aren't true about the LGBT LGBTQ community.
And Ryland too, he is just a normal kid. We expect the same thing out of him as anyone else would expect outta their kid. He ha, has his rules, he has his chores. He ha he has his responsibilities. We haven't treated him any differently than we treat my daughter, yeah. Just like I said, it's just another human variance that we need to celebrate.
Yeah. He's a regular kid. Totally. Equally a pain in the butt most days too. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.
I'll say, you had mentioned in the beginning of this podcast just about pockets of there are conservative pockets in California. And we are in one out here in East County. It's a very conservative area. It's rural, I could never say that word. It's a rural area. We have, bigger pieces of land and farmers we're in that area. And, we have a very high population of the Chaldean community, which is Iraqi immigrants who are Catholic.
And this is a big community here where we live and we've had amazing experiences with some of the Chaldean community. And just like any other religious community, there's just certain ideas that certain religious folks have. Ryland doesn't always fit into those ideas. So it's been a really challenging thing for us with certain religious communities because they think that this is a choice and there's something wrong.
And I love Ryland because he's just a loving kid. He. He doesn't give anyone a reason to not like him. He's smiling, he's happy, even if you are mean to him. He finds, he's just he doesn't retaliate. He's just whatever. And I learned a lot from Mylan because he's just, like I said, a good kid.
He's just loving and kind invites everyone inclusive. And he is adorable. My daughter as well, I don't ever wanna leave her out 'cause she's, she's gone through her own stuff too. People will say, I hear your brother is actually a girl and she has to stand up for him and but I think both of my kids have learned not to give people. A reason to continue to talk about us if we just blow it off yeah. It is what it is, yeah. Then people it takes all of the energy out of it if we don't react to it.
I think that's a good segue into how do you define powerful and ladies and what happens when they're combined.
I've actually thought about this a lot, over the last week trying to figure out. Powerful ladies and what that means to me. Initially some of the people I thought about were, of course, Michelle Obama and Oprah, and some of those amazing women that we have as leaders in our world. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that some of the most powerful ladies are the ones surrounding me. Just some of the women that you know, just in everyday life who, even a friend of mine that I, we went and had dinner with last night, she's a firefighter, went through Fire Academy with Jeff.
She's married to a firefighter and she just recently found out she has cancer, breast cancer. Her mom passed away from breast cancer a year older than she currently is. And she has a little girl. And just even the fact that she's a firefighter, I have so much respect for her. Because it's not easy to be a fire, a firefighter in a man's world, and it's just, physically it's gotta be harder.
But yeah. The more I think about it, the more I realize that there's just the. The women around me who surround me, who have to juggle just all of the things in this world. Raising kids and having careers, and just even what's going on in our current political climate, having to just deal with that on the daily and seeing people, being ripped away from their families.
I think all the little people that aren't noticed, maybe publicly, there's a lot of powerful women around us..
I 1000 million percent agree. Like it's why I wanted to do this podcast because we spend a lot of time talking about, Michelle Obama and Oprah and whoever else who wanna throw into that mix. And the reality is it makes it feel. There's this huge barrier, like you can only be powerful if you've accomplished all these things or made this money or been on these talk shows or getting recognition. And to your point, the most powerful people I actually know are doing the work every day and not getting recognition.
Yeah. Like the weight that women in the world are carrying right now. To hold everything together, and it's been a recurring conversation with this community of how can I continue fighting for my dreams and my life and what my extraordinary looks like. While now we also have to resist. Yeah.
Now we have to make sure we're reading up on the constitution. We like have to become constitutional lawyers to some extent. It's we, I don't have time for that. I don't have time to be a lawyer and the FDA and a chef and Right. My like, advocate for my own health it's bananas.
And I know pregnant women right now who live in California and they were gonna visit family in other states and they go, I can't, I, I if should something happen, I can't be in your state.
We can't travel to certain states. Also to add to that, I think attitude is so important and I think that was the thing that, really stood out for me about this firefighter is that she's, obviously people have hard days, but there's, when people choose to be positive and choose to look at the things that are going well in their life, it really, your attitude really is a choice. And I think, obviously it's never perfect.
There were moments in my life where I was pretty low and just struggling to find the good. However I really, I find that powerful women choose to look at the positive more than they choose to look at the negative. 'cause we all have our stuff. It's, life is not, like you said, even just like the mundane, cooking dinner every night.
It's easy to just like, ugh I hate doing this. I have no, I don't know. But I think if you just, that little shift of, thought process, like I am I am really lucky that I have. The finances to buy the groceries that are making my dinner and the hands to do it. And I don't know, it sounds silly, but it really is, that shift in attitude really does make a difference.
Yeah. It's everything. I think as we are forced to choose what we know is right for us, like to align with where we know our personal North Star is. And to keep asking, to choose to step into extraordinary is a big deal. It's a, it's such an act of courage that I don't think we talk enough about, but as you're doing it, you, the only way you can do it is by letting things go and also saying what's not allowed in this space anymore.
And. Sometimes. Sometimes it's something really indifferent I'm not gonna cook anymore. I'm only gonna cook one night a week. That's it. Yeah, we don't have capacity and sometimes it's people and sometimes it's certain channels or input that we're allowing in, but women I feel privileged to be a woman at this time in history because we have so many examples.
Of women who have done the work regardless. And, if there's truth to the the trauma and the experiences being passed through our DNA, like we are here as a result of so many powerful people who have dealt with so much shit over history that it's yeah. As women, we don't have a choice.
It's okay, yep. That insane thing is happening and someone is screaming for a snack right now and the dog needs to go out and like there's a limit of, not that we're accepting it, but. I think for women it's very easy for perspective and reality to get right sized. Absolutely.
100%.
Yeah. So we ask everyone on the podcast where you put yourself on the Powerful Lady scale. If zero is average, everyday human, and 10 is the most powerfully you can imagine, where would you rank yourself today and on an average day?
I can say that if you would've asked me this question 10 years ago, it would not be high at all. But I have done a lot of work and I've come to a really peaceful, happy place in my life.
I would say I'm. Probably a seven or eight. There's always work to be done. There's always more and growth and more curiosity. But I think overall I just feel so much more at peace with me, my being in my own skin and confident about who I am. And where I fit in the world. I don't know, a seven or eight.
I'm also modest too, though. I don't like tot my own. Yeah. Blow my own horn. Whatever you wanna say, but I just, yeah I think there's always work to be done though.
We started this conversation talking about you, you moving into a new career and I'd love to come back to that. And what type of therapist you're excited to be.
I hope to be one of the most loving, accepting just I wanna be able to give people a space to explore and. Come to who they are on their own terms. And I think change takes time. Just, my own experience really has led me into this work. I wouldn't be where I am today without some amazing therapists helping me out along the way. But yeah, just the most nonjudgmental therapists you can find. There's really nothing I haven't heard, and just being able to help someone reframe things and shift power away from what happened to them and shift it into power and courage. And strength.
Yeah. This is a powerful community that likes to help pay it forward. What is something on your to-do list or wishlist that you would like to ask this community for you or for others?
I think just to continue to have these conversations with people who maybe don't fully understand, trans people or the L-G-B-T-Q-I-A community. Just to be curious, to educate yourself, to learn and open your minds, to maybe look at things a little differently and just be open to growth and maybe picking up a book that you wouldn't normally pick up.
We tend to align with people that are like us. And just maybe being. I'm more curious about the other side if someone isn't familiar with this community. I don't know if that makes sense, but
I think so. Yeah. I don't normally do this, but I'm gonna throw in one of my own requests to everyone listening, which is two parts.
It's share this episode with somebody who needs to hear it and ask people who don't understand this community. To go get informed, go meet someone, go watch a show that has a character, like whatever the easy step is because there are things that we should be afraid of in this world, and it's not this community. 100%.
And I will say I, I did write a book about this journey and I think. The hard part about it is that a lot of people will not pick up this book who don't understand our story. And that's really hard because I obviously wrote it because I wanted to help people understand. And, even if it's not my book, maybe just picking up a book, Janet Mock is amazing. There's so many amazing authors out there and just trying to put yourself in someone else's shoes for just a minute to see if you can open your heart and your mind a little bit more.
Yeah. And especially when the author of the book, or even there's a great documentary called Mama Bears that when you, all that the parents are asking for is, can you open your heart up more? That's it. It's really a conversation about love. It's not a conversation about anything else. Yep.
And that goes to kids with autism. Kids who have any, anything that makes them. A little different than anyone else, just to help yourself understand where they're coming from and it shifts everything.
Yeah. Because we've all been on the airplane with a parent with a screaming child. And knowing how like you feel for that parent so much. And to me, that's a analogy we can take out into the world of. Parents who have children that are put into a different box that is their every day. It's just the kids aren't screaming everyone else's, right? Yes. So how can you stand with them? How can you give them space? How can just any support of helping other parents, other humans get through the day better? It's I feel so much like we're just like continuing to come back to what we're really talking about every day lately is just so basic.
Yeah.
And. So that's really all it is. It's just the conversation of who have you helped today?
Yeah. I love that someone on one of your podcasts said that she writes a thank you note every day, and I thought, oh, that's amazing. Yeah. What a great gratitude practice and I, I really need to adopt that.
Yeah. That was from Karen Duffy Duff. It's, I am blown away at who she is as a human, and I'm so thankful for our friendship and the fact that she can do that every day when there are some days that I'm like, I don't even know if I can take my makeup off. Yeah.
But I'm sure it does shift your whole perspective. Yes. The gratitude jar I had someone told me to write or an affirmation jar or gratitude, I think either one would be great. Even, just once a day. Like the most mundane, silly thing, like I made a really good peanut butter and jelly sandwich for my kids today. Drop it in the jar. As silly as that may sound, I think, I do think even the small things.
Yes matter, they absolutely do it. It because it changes it and there's so much proof in the neuroscience of how it changes our brain. And if nothing else, we are currently living in a world where everyone gets to make their own D Lulu bubble apparently. So what d Lulu bubble are we gonna make for ourselves because we're in control. I just wanna say thank you so much for who you are, what you're doing for your family, for your community, for the greater community. Your courage and your commitment to. Your family and what love really is like. I it means so much to me that you're holding that little corner of the world up and I hope that you feel how supported you are.
Thank you so much and thank you for doing this podcast and all of the others. It's really nice to see a woman lifting up other women and it's great. I appreciate it.
Thanks for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and share it with a friend. Head to the powerful ladies.com where you can find all the links to connect with Hilary, her book, plus additional resources. To learn more about the trans Experience, come hang out with Powerful Ladies on Instagram at Powerful Ladies, and you can find me and all my socials@karaduffy.com. This episode is produced by Amanda Kass, and our audio engineer is Jordan Duffy. I'll be back next week with a brand new episode. Until then. I hope you're taking on being powerful in your life. Go be awesome and up to something you love.
Related Episodes
Episode 319: Parenting Through Transition and Leading with Empathy | Amber Hollowell | TransParents Podcast & Advocate for Trans Rights
Episode 195: Choosing Joy & Curiosity to Create a Beautiful Life with Karen Duffy
Episode 126: How Living Your Truth Leads to an Extraordinary & Impactful Life with X.ARI
Instagram: @whittingtonhillary
Website: www.hillarywhittington.com
LinkedIn: hillarywhittington
YouTube: @thewhittingtonfamily6504
Facebook: hillary.whittington
For additional resources, consider exploring the following:
PFLAG: Offers resources and support for LGBTQ+ individuals and their families.
LGBT Foundation: Provides a directory of transgender support groups and helplines.
Trans Lifeline: Offers peer support for trans people from other trans people.
Trans Youth Equality Foundation: Supports transgender youth and their families.
Digital Transgender Archive: Offers a vast archive of materials related to trans history and culture.
Advocates for Trans Equality: Advocates for the legal and political rights of transgender people.
World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH): A professional organization for transgender healthcare providers.
Taimi: A dating app specifically designed for transgender people.
Created and hosted by Kara Duffy
Audio Engineering & Editing by Jordan Duffy
Production by Amanda Kass
Graphic design by Anna Olinova
Music by Joakim Karud
