Episode 119: Healing Outdoors and Owning Your Story | Grizel Caminas Bien | Therapist, Musician, and Mental Health Advocate
Grizel Bien is a therapist, musician, writer, and mental health advocate who uses art, nature, and storytelling to help people reconnect with themselves. From Miami to Moab, she has followed a path that blends creativity, psychology, and a deep love for the outdoors. Grizel opens up about her own mental health journey, why boundaries have been life-changing, and how the outdoors became her safe space for self-soothing and healing. She shares the tools that have helped her, from therapy and medication to music and photography, and why she believes facing your fears is the only way to move forward. This is a conversation about reclaiming your story, living unapologetically, and finding the spaces that let you be fully yourself.
“Until you really face your demons and know what’s the truth, you can’t move forward. It’s scary. It’s also so worth it. You will feel alive.”
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Integrating Mental Health into the Outdoor Space through art, writing, photography, etc.
Psychology
Psychology & Counseling masters
Moab, Utah - since June 2020
Grew up in Miami, FL
East Tennessee moved there at age 10
Professional Musician
Mental Health Mondays
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Follow along using the Transcript
Chapters:
00:00 Meet Grizel Bien
01:40 How She Became a Therapist
04:30 Growing Up Between Miami and East Tennessee
07:15 Moving to Moab and Finding Home Outdoors
13:36 Why Nature Is Her Safe Space
17:37 Choosing to Be an Example for Change
20:50 From Professional Musician to Mental Health Advocate
24:00 Boundaries as a Tool for Survival and Growth
27:46 Challenging the Myths Women Are Told
31:20 How Art and Writing Support Mental Health
35:40 The Role of Therapy and Medication in Her Healing
40:10 Facing Demons and Finding the Truth
45:00 Why Connection and Humanness Matter Most
50:30 Women Who Inspire Her
54:24 Redefining What It Means to Be Many Things at Once
57:33 Clearing Mistakes and Staying Real
1:03:40 Why Mental Health Is the Foundation for Everything
As women, how much we've kind of had to believe that that to be true because our voice has not mattered in so many aspects and like, and especially like just different cultures and like how they treat women. Like for Yeah, for like Hispanic women. Like, yeah, we're strong as hell, but we don't get the final
say.
That's Gelle bn and this is the Powerful Ladies podcast.
Hey guys, I'm your host, Kara Duffy, and this episode you get to meet the amazing gelle b. She's a musician, a writer, a podcaster, and a mental health advocate with a master's in psychology. We discussed her personal journey with mental health, how to find your home, why she and I both want you to be more uniquely you and why exposure to the outdoors can be accessed to unlocking your own journey.
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Well, welcome to the Powerful Ladies Podcast. Thank
you. I'm excited. I'm nervous, but excited. I haven't done a podcast in a minute.
Well, I'm really excited to have you here. Let's begin. Let's tell everybody who you are and what you're up to in the world.
Um, my name Brielle, um, or I pronounce it, but you can call me Gelle.
Um, or Griz, or Grizz or what really, whatever comes out. Um. I, what am I up to? Gosh, what am I not doing? I feel like is like a better question. I've just been super, super busy with a lot of awesome projects, but my main passion is I am really passionate about integrating mental health into the outdoor space.
Um, through art, through podcasting, through writing, through photography, through literally any advice I can, um, get my hands on. Um, because I just feel like it's something that's really missing in the outdoor industry. And, um, mm-hmm. Yeah. I'm just really passionate about it.
How did you get started in the mental health space?
Um,
I,
I remember when I was really young, I, I remember going to a therapist for the first time. I was like 16. And just, you know, had a lot of trauma and shit. And I remember my therapist like immediately telling me that because I kept asking her questions because I was like, this didn't feel mutual. I kept feel, kept feeling like this, like wasn't a very like healthy relationship just because I didn't know anything about her.
And I was asking her a ton of questions and it was like, she was like, I feel like you are gonna make a great therapist one day. And it kind of like stuck in my head. But honestly I think it was because I just truly have always enjoyed it. Knowing people like fully, um, and knowing myself fully. So I feel like that was kind of the seed that was implanted.
And I had a lot of tri childhood trauma that, you know, came up pretty fast. Um, and then I studied psychology, um, in my undergrad and then I got my master's in psychology and counseling. And then I was a therapist, um, for a little bit and then decided that I got passionate about this. 'cause I just felt like it was missing and combined all of like my passions together to kind of create this weird business.
I mean, not to call it so.
Mm-hmm. And, um, you're, are you originally from, are you still in Utah? Which or where are you now in the world, I guess?
Yeah, yeah. Um, I am in Moab, Utah right now. Yeah. I living in a van. Beautiful. A while, but we decided to settle down here last June in the middle of COVID.
Yeah.
COVID has made a lot of life changes happen for people that we may not, weren't expecting. Mm-hmm. Totally. And mm-hmm. So we've talked about the origin of, of the mental health side. Um, where did your passion for the outdoors come in?
You know, I was writing
about this like a few days ago 'cause I, I sometimes don't really understand why I have such a passion for the outdoors. Um, growing up in Miami, Florida, like my parents did not really like. Yeah, they, I mean, I wasn't really in nature very much. I was, I loved being in the heat. Um, but like, Miami is like a, a gross heat, not a fun heat.
Um, but then when my mom remarried, my stepdad, who is a, a white man from east Tennessee, and like we were just like little Spanish kids, we didn't know mm-hmm. Like what he was saying. But he, we moved to East Tennessee and it was like the most different place I'd ever been at that time. And I was 10 and we really couldn't connect with him very well.
And, um, I struggled at least to connect with him. But the ways that I was able to connect with him was through nature. And like, he, he took us to, um, like national parks and I didn't even know what those were. And I hated the trips at the time, but I somehow. Like, I kept going back there as like my trauma kind of increased as a child and um, it started just being the only place I actually felt like myself.
So. Mm-hmm. Yeah, it started like very weird, but it's now just, honestly, it's been one of the most magical places for me to like heal and self-soothe, and especially lately, I feel like I've never been so connected to nature in my life. It's been so. Rewarding to find and I get to live in such a beautiful place, which I feel really, really lucky about.
Yeah. Um, um, we did a, a vacation road trip last September through Arizona and southern Utah and, you know, just the beauty of, of Zion and, you know, kanab and like everything that's there, it's right. You know, we didn't wanna come home. We're like, we don't have to go home. Like, I can do my job anywhere. Like, where do you wanna go?
Yeah.
Yeah. Zion is incredible too. I honestly haven't gotten to spend much time outside of Moab, um, just because I've always like kind of jumped from one spot to one spot when it came to traveling. So to be living in such a beautiful place, like truly just Moab in and of itself, I'm just finding so many new things and, and like the, the repetition yet the.
Like the very uniqueness of this desert is just something that I feel like I'm just constantly in awe of. So I feel like even though I, I haven't done so much in Utah, but I'm just trying to enjoy the fact that this is like, just, I don't, I don't ever wanna leave. Yeah.
Yeah. Um, and, and being someone who has, you know, if you're doing van Life, the whole thing is to be able to move around.
And I've, um, I've traveled a bunch myself and lived a lot of places, and so the idea of finding a place that feels settled, that feels like no, like I can stay here, to me is such a strange feeling. Like, you know, when friends talk about going home, I'm like, Hmm, friends like home's, kind of wherever your stuff is right.
But when you find that place that feels like it's rooting you for you, I think it's a really magical feeling.
I've never had that feeling and it's been. I just feel like it, I feel so lucky. Where's your, where's your real home? Like, where's your true home?
Oh, um, I think I have a couple, like, um, there's, uh, lake Lucerne in Switzerland.
Every time I'm there, I feel like I should just get a house here, like, I'm gonna be coming back. Um, currently I live in, in Orange County, California, and I never thought this would be a place that I would feel like, oh, I'll keep my home base here. Mm. Um, but I really do. It's, you know mm-hmm. The, I like the light here.
I like the fact that it's, you know, 70 degrees most of the time. Yeah. Um, there's a lot of benefits to living at the beach. Right. Um, there's also things I miss. You know, I'm from the east coast originally, I've lived in Europe and it's, there's a great quote from Abraham, um, Thomas Jefferson. He wrote his son a letter when he was gonna go to Paris for the first time.
And he said, I'm so excited for you to go abroad and experience all these cultures and just be in a different place. And I know that, I'm sorry to say you'll never be content again. And I really get that right. Like all my favorite people are, are never in the same place. My favorite restaurants aren't my favorite views.
Hmm. Um,
so I just accepted that I'm gonna leave a little piece here and I'll come back and a little piece here. Yeah. And I love going to new places too, so I know I'll discover more that feel, feel rooted.
That's awesome. Yeah. And it's cool that you get to experience. Home in so many different places. Like that's a pretty mm-hmm.
Like, or maybe that's a, your, like the way that your mind is like helping you cope with that too, with like home doesn't necessarily need to be what, you know, everyone else defines it as, you know, which is so empowering when you can figure that out for yourself.
Right. But, and when, um, I had, I have friends of mine who are also from when I met in Germany, had moved to Portland and I went up to visit them for the first time since they had moved to the US and I sat in their house and we were talking and having this great dinner over a glass of wine and just catching up.
And I was like, what is this feeling? I'm like, oh, this is that home feeling. And I was like, oh, home is with you guys. Like, it was such a crazy out-of-body experience to be feeling it and thinking about it and analyzing it and like getting it all at once. It was very surreal, but it was also great. Yeah.
Because, you know, there are people who feel like home also.
Yeah, totally. Yeah. I'm, I, I don't know if we're, we're overdoing the home thing, but I feel like I'm, I think it's actually really important, especially lately just because, you know, with how much has changed, I feel like finding some form of security and safety, um, has been so big for me lately.
And, um, honestly, I've, I haven't had it until yesterday, to be completely frank. I, um, I just got married in October and, um, we bought a house. Congratulations. Thank you. I'm very, very thankful. He is the best. Um, but we bought a house and, um, immediately we were like, we're just very, like money, not money focused, but like saving money.
Like we were, like, especially with, with everything that was happening. I just like, we just wanted to be smart with our finances. So we were like, well, we should have roommates. And, um, it just didn't end up working out. And they actually moved out yesterday and it's been such, um. Like, it was really hard because we love our friends, but also like, it the, like the feeling I got when I cry, the feeling when I got gonna bed, um, last night and then like, waking up this morning to like myself and safety and like, it wasn't necessarily about like, it was just that feeling of peace inside that I've never, ever had.
And I literally, right before this was doing yoga in my like living room, outdoor space, whatever. And like, I, I, I just like, is this what it's about? Is this what this feels like? Is this, is this what it is? And I'm just never had that even since I was, 'cause I never, I grew up with a lot of trauma, so I didn't mm-hmm.
I've never had a home and it's been so, so cool to finally feel that for the first time. Truly, like in my life, I've, I've had bits and pieces of it, right? Like, and that's always been in nature and that's why always go back to that. But to finally have. Some sort of like stability in like in a home because nature's so not predictable and like feels kind of unsafe sometimes.
Like it just feels so crazy to have this kind of sense of belonging and peace. I don't know, it's just been
really cool. Mm-hmm. And I believe that you're also a dog mom from Yeah. What I've been told. Yes. So, um, there's something about that as well, right? The what, what little creatures add to, uh, space.
Oh, yeah.
And yeah, and I think too, what kind of dogs that we've raised and like just where we live are very much. Like dog parents that love to see their dogs be dogs and mm-hmm. Like, I love watching my dogs hunt things. I love watching my dogs just like be out in the desert and smelling things. And I just got a puppy who is learning from my other two dogs how to do all this stuff, and to finally have, you know, space to like let my dogs roam the house.
Mm-hmm. Like I've, mm-hmm. I've never had that either. You know, I'm like, I, I get to see my dogs be dogs in like a more holistic sense because of the changes. So it's been, it's been really, and I feel like it's only gonna get better until I leave and then I'll be very sad.
Yeah. Whoop. Yeah. And you'll find it again.
Right? Like once you, it's almost like one of those north star things where once you feel it, you can, you have a radar detector to like Right. Get back to it. Yeah. Yeah. So with, with all you do between the, the writing and like, you're, like you said, you're doing so many things right now. Yeah. You know, what, what is the interaction like between you and your client and customer base and your audience, and what does that mean for you and, and is it a full circle love language of you give and get back from them?
That's such a good question. Um, it's changed in the best way recently. Um, I've had, I didn't know going into this what this would turn into. When I first started writing, I, I was just very, like, I had been pursuing music in Nashville. I was a therapist and I was trying to do the hustle of being a full-time musician and being a therapist and like trying to balance those two things together was just so difficult and like.
Also, I didn't really mesh well with the music world. Like you have to kind of, um, like stay up super late and like, you know, go to a lot of bars and I, uh, I love sleeping so much and like, don't really drink very much alcohol. And if I do, it's like, I, I don't, I, it's just like, it just such a depressant for me.
It's just not my thing. Mm-hmm. Um, don't I like to do it every now and then, don't get me wrong. But anyways, so I was doing that and just like couldn't do the music scene like that anymore. I was like, if I'm gonna do like, I, what do I wanna do the most? And it was just like writing, even if it's just like, I love to write, like if I can just do music by myself because I don't know if I'll ever fit in with this music scene.
And so I started pursuing writing and um, that's how I started. I was like, what, what have I always wanted to do? And it was like writing about the trail and like, I didn't even know what that even meant at the time. Um, and. So it, it just started as that. And then I was serving, I was, I was happy 'cause I was traveling more.
I was like adventuring more, I was riding more and like just would, and then I bought a van, like, you know, everything was just, I, I would do anything if I could write more and like, you know, be out in nature more. And I was doing that and it just felt like at that point it was just, well maybe people actually will buy your blogs and like, maybe.
And so I just started reaching out and doing that. And so it was just all about the writing. Um, but I am such a, an empath and I, I've so much emotions and I feel like. One of the things I would just keep writing about was my mental health, because I studied it. It was also something I was like, I didn't know I couldn't really escape from my own mental health.
'cause it was getting so severe that it mm-hmm. Was like extremely intrusive. And, um, so it was just the only thing I really felt comfortable writing about, which began, like, the journey of everything, you know, and realizing that no one not only is like, no one talking about this, but no one really knows how to talk about it.
Um, when I did the trails, like I felt extremely isolated because I would be talking about my depression and it was just like the, the way people would handle it was just so uncomfortable. And I couldn't imagine other people, like, as like someone who is able to kind of like, conceptualize like, why, and like, I understand like it's uncomfortable and like I can even show grace in those moments.
But like, what if there was like someone who is. Really uncomfortable and like, needed help and was like reaching out, and then they weren't able to read that. You know? And like, it just, like, I, it just made me sad. It made me really sad. Mm-hmm. And thought about how many people are being affected by this.
And, um, so it's been like, honestly the last like year and a half, especially as like right before COVID, I just, I knew that this was what I had to focus on. And so I've been doing like Mental Health Mondays for a while and like, it was really, really good. And then COVID hit and then, um, everyone broke and it was like mm-hmm.
One of the hardest things I think I've ever gone through is because how much. I felt like I was giving and not receiving in return. Um, which is what happens when you work with sickness. And that's why boundaries are important. But it got really exhausting, honestly, for a while. And I was giving way too much and had to save your complex and like, wanted to save everyone.
And, um, and then lost my own mental health in that process of saving other people. And the last like seven months, uh, I've taken so much time for myself, so much time to rethink everything what I want, my goals. And like, you can't change anybody, right? Like you can't, you really can't. And people only want change when they wanna change.
And all I wanna do is be an example of like what changes I've made, I've like, completely changed my life. And like if I can just like show that and like mm-hmm. Show. The proof of this stuff like that will be enough, you know, and like really worrying, like care, taking care of myself. And so that being said, my, I feel like now I am receiving so much, um, from my community.
Um, I have an amazing Patreon group and it's like, there's not even that many people, but like, it's just this really vulnerable place of like humans who just wanna talk about it and just like message each other on the like thing. And just like, I'm having a bad day and it's just like we all are like, it's okay.
Like what do we need to hear? How can we like, I don't know, it's just been a really beautiful, and I love it. Just so cool lately. And so I feel like my, I feel like I have purpose again, so it's been good lately.
Yeah. No, it, it touches to. How it really is a love language for you, right? It's, you know, we often think about our, if, if, you know that book, the Five Love Languages, right?
Right. Mm-hmm. It talks about it in relationships, but I think in, in business or projects or whatever type of non-romantic relationships or non-family relationships we're looking at, we have to remember that, that we need to both give and get to fill our cup so that we can keep doing it. Right? Like that's part of the sustainability of having a business or having whatever project we're doing for the world.
Um mm-hmm. You know, a lot of people focus on the financial side, but that's only one piece of it. Like, although there's so many people who start something that works, but it doesn't work for them. Mm-hmm. And I love that you're getting into this rhythm of where it's all fitting. Um mm-hmm. You mentioned.
You know, food earlier and, you know, being dairy free now, what are some of the, the practical things that you've taken on for yourself to feel better?
Um,
that's, so it's just so interesting 'cause so much has changed, um, in the last mm-hmm. I, so I think the biggest thing that I'm like really proud of, um, really, really proud of especially just being a Hispanic person. Like, I did not grow up with like, like my, my mom is married to a doctor and like step, he is my stepdad, but married a doctor and she does not believe in medicine.
Like, is just very, like, not like we did not grow up with any form of self-care. So self-care is just very much out the window. You're like, you're just constantly, like you put your head down, you, you just, you fucking do it. Like, no, no complaints. Very strong women and. But I, I wasn't like, I mean, I was to a point.
But anyways, all that to say, uh, in October, I decided to see a psychiatrist for the first time. And, um, that changed my entire life. I, I got on some antidepressants and some anti-anxiety stuff. I'm, I'm not on that anymore. And, and then some stuff for my A DHD and, um, like slowly, not all at once, but, um, it's, before all of that, I couldn't have gluten, I couldn't have so many, like, I, my stomach had a lot of, I, I would have like a lot of anxiety, pain.
I, I've always had really, um, like just terrible stomach issues and ever since my started taking my medicine, um, and my depression and my anxiety has alleviated so much. Like I can eat glu and now, which is like so cool. I know that's like not that big of a deal, but my husband makes bread. It is so good.
And like I can have it now. And like I wasn't able to do that. Like I haven't been able to eat. The way I eat now in probably like 10 years, like it's been so insane. So I have to say, meds have changed my life of finding a great therapist, um, finally like that really, really, really gets me, has helped me so much feel better.
And boundaries. Boundaries, man. Those are the best.
Mm-hmm. Um, you know, when you look back at 8-year-old, you would, she have imagined the life that you have today and, and what you're doing in the world.
Yes. Um, I wrote about this this past week too.
How interesting. Apparently I'm picking up on everything you just put out.
Yeah. I had, I had a really like intense project this past week that was just very much like. A lot of like self work mm-hmm. Kind of projects. So I was just asking myself a ton of questions like this, but, you know, honestly, like when I was a kid, I thought I was gonna be a famous singer.
Like, I thought I was gonna be a singer, and I thought I was gonna make everyone cry on stage because, not even because my voice was amazing. It was just, just like the mood, the temperament, the emotion. Mm-hmm. Because that's who I, I was like, that is just who I am. Um, but yeah, so it was like this singer kind of person, but it was more than that.
Like, I also, when I was a kid, I just always wanted people to know how loved they were, I guess. Mm-hmm. Like I, and I don't know why, and I've thought about this a lot, like, where did this come from? And like, I've tried so hard to put a name to why, but like, I don't know. I literally cannot remember why. And, but it was just this mission, like I will.
My biggest regret in life will be like, not showing people that the love they, they deserve. And maybe that's from not feeling like I deserved it for a long time. And so the fact that I get to do that now is like truly like one of the, like, that's all I feel like it is. It's just like I want people to know, like even though like your brain and other people and whatever you're going through is like, you know, they're telling you it's bad.
You're, it's not like it's just something we gotta all work on, you know? Mm-hmm. It feels so good to be able to, you know, connect a little me again 'cause I've been doing a lot of like child work and like to know that that's actually something I've always knew I was gonna do and to mm-hmm. Widely do. It is
so cool.
Yeah. Yeah. I'm a, I'm a big believer and the reason I choose eight, right. I'm a big believer that kids are so much smarter than adults and so much more tuned in and, yeah. There's reality behind that age of around eight when we're wise enough and aware enough to understand how the world works, but we still have some of that magic and innocence left.
It's like there's something beautiful about that. Roughly, totally age time. And whenever people come to me and say like, what should I do? Or how do I find my purpose? I'm like, just go back there. Like whether you had a good childhood or not, there's something back there that you love doing that even if you just did it as a hobby, like if you loved coloring, just do it and see what shows up.
Because we put, we layer on so much adult bullshit onto ourselves that often we're just, you know, not able to access what we really care about anymore. Um,
it's so heartbreaking too, like to think like mm-hmm. It's, I, I mean like, like you exactly said, like I feel like if people just connected. To who their 8-year-old self was.
More like, I, I do think that the world would be a different place and like, I think that that's like what I wanna encourage people's like, like I keep thinking you, like, I feel like it's that cliche, like truest self, but like, I don't I taking it a step further, it's your child self. Your child self knew what it wanted.
Like I know that I knew what I wanted at a young age, but it has taken me so much work to get through all the Yeah. Bullshit adult shit. And it's like, of course we can't like understand what's going on. We're like, in the past, we're in the future. We're in like a lot of past, some of us, you know, like we're in the, the anxiety spirals, like we're not here at all, like the dissociation.
And I think it's a very much an American thing. Like mm-hmm. I'm like just being from another culture. Like one of the reasons why I love Hispanic people and Latinx people is just because we are who we are. And like, I never even, I've ne. There was never going to be a bullshit kind of thing for me, you know?
And so I've always kind of had that, that inside of me. But like in like, I feel like people are just so unattached to themselves. Like they just are so consumed in like what they want to present or like their own their own. And, and I'm so guilty of this by the way, like I get super attached to my emotions, right?
And I believe that my emo emotions are my, are facts. And that's not true either. But it's learning how to let go of that in all aspects. You know, for me it's emotions. For a lot of people, it's their thoughts and their anxieties or their presentation or the successes, you know, like, but we know, we know, we know.
Mm-hmm. Yes. Take the time for yourself. But you know,
that's like, yeah. Whenever somebody, you ask somebody a question, right? You are like, should you be with that person? Like, dating's an easy one to usually look at. Mm-hmm. Like, should you be with them? And if somebody says, I don't know, it's like, no. You know the real answer.
You just don't like it. Yeah. We, our, our, our, um, our intuition and our brain is so powerful and amazing and it's like, you know, do we wanna listen to it or do we wanna resist? Right. What Resist persists. Right, right. That's the, the phrase. And there are so many people committed to resisting all the way. I'm like, that is so hard.
That's so, but as
women though, like I get it, like as women, how much. We've kind of had to believe that that to be true because our voice has not mattered in so many aspects. And like, like, and especially like just different cultures and like how they treat women. Like for, for like Hispanic women, like yeah, we're strong as hell, but we don't get the final say.
And like we, we obey our husbands and like we get married young and like our point is to be a er active service and like be the the, you know, but that's like, that's, that's not it either, you know?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. There's a, a great book, um, the Geography of Bliss where a guy travels around the world looking at the places who rank the highest in happiness and the lowest to see what can show up.
And interestingly enough, the place that was number one, they think the least. They don't, they don't go into these philosophical, am I doing the right thing? Yeah. Like, they don't, they're like, your purpose, what's your purpose? You just wake up and you do things. And it was so fascinating for him to see how the luxury of pondering things, how it can be such a burden.
Um, he's like, these people have no money. They're so happy 'cause they don't have time or, or capacity to worry about what could it be? Like, they're like, no, they're just doing and, and appreciate there's a lot of gratitude in that built into that as well. Um hmm. You know, so many of my clients keep calling because I think that secretly 2021 is being harder on people than 2020 was.
Oh yeah. And it's, I know even for myself, we had a lot of loss in March. Unexpected loss. Um, we're all a bit, I think, just worn out like everyone is, all the metrics have hit, whether you're introvert or extrovert. You've maxed out your capacity to be alone. And, um, there's like the zoom fatigue. There's so many things.
Um, are you seeing a shift in how people were talking about their mental health, you know, in 2020 versus now? Like what are you seeing from your side kind of being in this space? You know, every day
I feel like I'm seeing a big divide of people getting help and people refusing help. I'm not seeing a lot of like in between. Mm-hmm. Um, because getting help sucks. Not getting help sucks. So like the in-between and where we've been living and such, such an extreme toxic time. Like I don't see many people kind of just in the in-between phases, which I think is what we're kind of all used to.
Um, and like I think that's what everyone's kind of craving, like trying to get back to reality. It's like, yeah, but like you probably have a lot of trauma that you're don't know how to deal with. So I think it's just been extremely polarizing. Um, which makes me really sad. 'cause I've, I mean, I think everyone has lost because people and, and in in friendship form and relationship form mm-hmm.
And, you know, illness and there's just a lot that got brought up, um, for me. Mm-hmm. And that's like someone who's in it every day. Like, I can't imagine, I, I say this all the time as like. I study this shit daily and it took me 30 years to get the help that I needed. And mm-hmm. If that is where I was at last year, within the midst of everyone else.
Mm-hmm. And like, what does that mean about like, where we are at as a, as a people and like, that makes me really scared. 'cause I just like, I wanna, I'm just, I want people to get help, but at the same time, like our society is not built to support people who are hurting. So it's like this just, that's why it's like it, this doesn't become a more important topic.
Where are people, more people will die and like more people will not get help. And that's, I don't know, just, I don't want it to get worse again before it gets better. Even though that is, even in therapy, it, you know, like it always gets worse before it gets better. But like, if we don't have. Safety, like, I can finally get the help I need because I have for the first time, have a safe place.
Never had a safe place. And most people don't have a safe place. Like, like, of course, like of course they're not gonna get the help. They don't feel secure enough to do. So, you know, it's just, yep.
Yeah. You need some foundation to be vulnerable.
Mm-hmm. Right. Totally. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Yeah. Unless you like hit rock bottom and you have no other choice.
But that's also very, that's another, that's another type of sickness and can lead to like life or death, you know, like mm-hmm. So,
and, and another trauma, right. To layer on. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Totally. Mm-hmm. Totally. Mm-hmm. I, um, last fall I took a psychotherapeutic yoga teacher training, and I'd always wanted to take a yoga teacher training, but wanted one that.
Felt more grounded and less woo woo. And it is, um, the first ever, uh, psychotherapeutic yoga put together by a therapist who fell in love with yoga and really wanted to talk about the brain science and the psychology. Mm-hmm. And it's built for both clinicians and non-clinicians. So I never wanted to be a yogi to teach yoga.
I just wanted to deepen my practice and the understanding and what comes with it. Mm-hmm. And it was really great to talk about what I had never heard before. Big T and little t. For, you know, we think about trauma and most people think, oh, you, it must be in the classic statistics of, you know, what could cause a trauma, right?
Like a death or abuse or like, it's these big things and to hear about the little teeth, right? Like the, the everyday traumas Mm. The things that can just impact you in a certain way. Where it does leave like that mark that it's okay to go to therapy for things that feel small to you because they're not, like, there's so much bigger than the general population allows you to have credit for.
Hmm. What, what's, what's your opinion on the, the big T to little t trauma scale?
Yeah. I mean, I, it's giving value to feel. Mm-hmm. I think that, um.
I, um, are you an Enneagram person? Uh, a little bit. I'm not super familiar. I know mine. What is yours? What is yours? I believe I'm a three. Mm-hmm.
Oh, cool. Cool.
Mm-hmm. I'm a four. Um, my husband's a nine. I'm super attracted to nines. I think that nines, they're the peacekeepers. Um, like kind of very much all of the numbers. Um, I'm super attracted to them because of how much peace they give me mm-hmm. With my, um, intensity of emotion. So I've always just kind of whatever, but something that I've noticed, um, is the, the weakness of nines is they devalue.
Their feelings a lot. And so watching Eric over the last four years learn to give value to his emotions has been probably one of the most beautiful things because a lot of people don't feel like they deserve to feel things and like they make it into this really big deal like that. It's just like, I just stuff it, stuff it and it's like when you stuff for so long, like it, it, yeah, maybe it was a little tea at first, but when there's a lot of little teas, that's a big tea.
You know, I just, I, I guess it's just, I. I, I just wish, and I would love to take that course by the way, 'cause I'm just now starting it to get into yoga and I'm just like, what ne fuck. Like this is great. This is awesome. And, and it's not 'cause I wanna teach similarly. Yeah. Um, because it really does help, like the coming and the going of feelings.
I, me and Eric have been doing this thing where we're just like, he'll say something and so he comes from like a passive aggressive like pass, which is like terrible, but it's fine. Um, and we're working through it, but he'll like say something kind of offhand and I'll be like. Excuse me. What did he like mean by that?
And mm-hmm. He'll like say, you know, like, he'll say, well, like, try to like pass it off. I'm like, okay. Like you're totally like feeling something right now, and like that is okay. Like I want you to hear that it's okay for you to feel right now. And I think you should just get it outta your body. Like just say it out loud.
Mm-hmm. And, and then like, we've just been practicing just like the feeling of just like, yeah, okay, I am fucking pissed about this shit. Like I am, and like, yeah, it's small, but as soon as you say it and like just get it outta your body and like. Really just get it outta your body. Then the time is gone.
Like then you can move on. And I just wish more people practiced that. You know? Like I literally, yesterday I was so angry, so angry, and I was just like, I was like restless and I was just like, okay. And I like went to my room, closed my door, put my pillow in my face, and screamed and like stomped my feet as hard as I could.
I've never, I've always been like one of those people, like, I'm not angry. I'm not angry and I'm not, right. I'm not. Mm-hmm. Doesn't mean I don't experience anger. Everyone experiences it, everyone experiences all of the things, but like in our society, it's so shame to like experience it. Like, no, it's, mm-hmm.
Just don't project it onto anybody. Just deal with what you're feeling and then move on, you know? Yeah, it's so life changing. Yeah. But I'm a super emotional person too, so it's like I can't, I am a lot to a lot of people because I am so, I'm so emotional that like, I have to choose who I let that, you know, be around with, with boundaries and stuff.
So, yeah. I don't know if I even asked answered your question.
Well, it makes me, I, I love in, in Spanish and other Latin based languages that there is the ser and the um, uh, soy and ato, that there's the permanent and then there's the temporary. And in English, we don't have the temporary, so everything is permanent.
So if you say you are angry, it's like it gets put on you as like, that's you forever. And. There's no flexibility in the English language to be something right now, but not have, be a part of your identity.
And I have never put that together. And I think I, wow. Um, I, I don't know, I, I'm getting a reaction from myself, but like, that also makes me kind of like sad because I always feel very misunderstood, especially by white people.
And like, because like, I am so emotive and like, people are just like, so like, yeah. Hold onto that emotion so much, so much more than I'm holding onto. I'm just like, I just, I just gotta like literally feel this and then I'll be over. Like I'm never put that together.
Well, and I, and I think it also splits like Latin and Germanic based languages.
Right. Because the same, um, emotional, uh, passionate shows up in, you know, in Italian, in Greek and other the languages where it's Okay. Yeah. To be something short term. Mm-hmm. And I don't know, like, I'm really curious from a, like a, is it EP ophthalmology perspective, like where that falls Because growing up we had my dad's family that was very Italian in how it structured itself.
Yeah. Where there was chaos and screaming and lots of love and lots of everything. Yeah. Yeah. And then my mother's side, which is, uh, all Nordic, it was very reserved and controlled and managed and so different. So different and so different. Just seeing like how. There weren't grudges held necessarily on the Italian side because everybody said everything in that moment you might be mad short term, but not long term.
Hmm. Whereas on the Nordic side, there were long-term grudges because nobody was saying anything. Like, they just knew it was that passive aggressive approach of like, I know you're mad, but now I'm gonna build this whole story 'cause you haven't told me why. Wow. And I'll just put everything into it. So I, I do think that there's something about the actual words we can use that allows it to change.
And I was talking to my men's mastermind group about this, and in German, you, you choose the decision versus make a decision. And so even that, like knowing that there's all these options out there, that you're choosing it versus creating it yourself. Also, I think there's these, you know, the subconscious psychology of what words do for us.
That is absolutely fascinating and like, I'm actually very surprised that I've never put that together. Like I think, you know, even like when you're getting your master's, you talk about different cultures and stuff, but like what it actually does to, and, and this is also I'm, I'm just starting to do intergenerational work, which is, um mm-hmm.
A lot. Awesome. Um, so these, I, it's, it's, yeah, but like having that connection is really, I really appreciate you sharing that with me because that's something I really want to think about is like, I know that I, and because I, my mom married my stepdad who's a white guy, I feel like part of my upbringing was, and, and I remember a lot of that part too because I was a little bit older and, um.
Honestly, like, I don't remember that much of it because there was so much trauma, but I, I feel like I kind of remember it more, but I have this like mm-hmm. Un attachment to like the Hispanic Miami part of me, and like, not the whole, not brown enough feeling or whatever. And so like sometimes I, I almost forget that that was my primary upbringing, you know?
Mm-hmm. Which is like the most transformative time of your entire childhood, you know, so. Mm-hmm. It makes sense of that. I have always kind of felt misunderstood.
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, to go all the way back to the origin of the origin story, right? Like right, there's, there's so much, and that's why I think it's so fascinating as well, like how we even like the eye contact for babies and what that does, right?
You don't think it's such a big deal, but eye contact, you know, is one of the indicators for emotional intelligence going forward, right? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. There's being someone who is a total nerd and loves learning, and loves reading and loves finding the mm-hmm. Patterns behind these things.
Mm-hmm.
Um, there's personal development's part of that.
Right. Like doing the n Ngram test, doing a Myers Briggs doing these things to learn more about you. And the one racket I've had with a few clients who are really big in their Enneagram, I'm like, I know that's your Enneagram and that doesn't mean that you can't sell something.
Yeah. Yeah. Like,
I, I forget which number my client is, but she's like, no, people need to come to me.
And then I'm really great. I'm like, okay. So that's, then that would be your, your, um, normal way of being. So what can we put in place so that we can do a little bit different to cause going to happen? So I have to battle sometimes with the, the purists, um, to make sure actions are taken
well. Right. Like, I think it's just.
Also finding an authentic version of pursuing your, like, understanding your Enneagram and like finding ways to still pursue your dreams in a more authentic way that is truer to you. You know? Like, yes. And I think that's, that's part of just growing and learning is just like we're, I, I, I just feel like the, I'm sure you, you've talked about this stuff a lot too, but just when we just trust ourselves more, it's just so cliche.
I, I almost, I can't even say it. I can't even say it out loud, I'm dying. But it's so true. It's like annoying because I feel like, especially lately, I feel like I've been getting a lot of questions about like, how did you get to where you're at? And I'm just like, like, I keep, like at, I used to have like a better answer for that.
Mm-hmm. But lately. It's just like, I just want you to find the best version of yourself, and I promise things will come. Like, things just will happen naturally when you actually are the best version of yourself. I get, I think that's what makes my, like marriage, relationships, friendships, what they can be is when you're the best version of yourself, because there's this confidence and inner peace that you have with like, like every decision, like the, the fucking hard decisions that you make.
Mm-hmm. Like there's a piece to it, and that is a, mm-hmm. That's, I've never had that until the last few months. And it's just like, yeah. My biggest piece of advice is just like, work on yourself. Really understand, like, notice slow down. Like why? Mm-hmm. Ask yourself questions. Check in. How do you ground yourself?
Like, do you actually know what's happening here? Like. This is all going really, really fast, but like, it, it can slow down. And I think that's where I have found like the most joy in my life is finally like, and honestly like, because of everything that happened this past year, like I was forced to slow down and I think a lot of people were, but like, it's what you do with that time that you're slowing down.
And I just want, like, it's just, I hated myself, dude. I literally hated myself for like all of my life. Like I've always hated myself and never taken care of myself and was really good at acting like it. And really, like I'm so good at acting like it, you know, like just very, you know, depressed kid, but like really good, like life of the party sometimes.
Um, but. It's just that that was not me, you know? And I just finally get to accept myself and it's just like, I don't actually care what happens. Like, this is enough, and like, that is so cool.
Like, I just want that for everyone. No, it's, it, it's so is right. Um, why I coach and why I have powerful ladies, like all the things I do is, is, is similarly aligned to what you wanna give people, right?
Like Totally. I want people to, to let their light out, you know? Um, in that, in my clarity kit where we do the 8-year-old exercise, I also have this whole thing about like, who are you as a unicorn? Like, it sounds so cheesy, but it always makes people laugh when they get to that worksheet. But every one that I work with.
When they, they talk about like, how do you find your niche? I like, you can't find it. You have to look at where all your things overlap and that's your path, but you can't see it until you really put all the parts of you together. Like every client comes to me wanting to think a part of them isn't important enough to include in their business because it's cheesy or silly or distracting.
And I'm like, no. Like we, you have to, that's who you are. Yeah. Yeah. And like, be bold about it because somebody's looking for you. They've said no to every other person because they haven't had that other piece. Or like, oh, you are really like me, or you really get me. Um, yeah.
And also it's so beautiful to see people be their authentic selves.
I think there's an energy that happens like, like that. I mean, my husband and I, he has his own business as well and like he's been really nervous about like kind of. Taking it to like a different level where he's really being his holistic self with, with gardening. Like, he just loves plants so much and he was just like, I just have never been able to be successful.
And I'm like, Eric, you don't have a choice. Like you have to do plants because that's mm-hmm. Who you are. And like, if you avoid this part of yourself, you're gonna feel like something is missing constantly. He is like, well, it's not very like construction workers. It's like, not general contract. I'm like, actually doesn't matter because this like, you need to be doing this.
This isn't like a choice for like, we got like this, this place for all of these plants. So you have to, you know, like, yeah. And I, I just, yeah, find out what you like and I think the 8-year-old self is such a perfect thing. 'cause like what I do now is all the stuff I used to do when I was eight. I play violin, I play guitar, I create music, I write a lot more, I'm outside.
I literally am like. Oh, this is what it means to like live, like you're young and like you're just Yeah. Doing what you used to do. You're playing. Yeah, you're playing all the time. And like boundaries with, with boundaries, but like mm-hmm. Still, like that's when you love your job, I feel like, is like, when you are staying honest about the entire process and not trying to be someone else or trying to do something else.
It doesn't work. I did it. No, I tried. I tried.
Yeah. I mean, I think it's great to be aware of who else is out there and Right. Be inspired by people and be like, Ooh, they're really good at this and that. Like, there's so many amazing things to borrow from people who are, who have, have done something, but until you really are standing in, in you, and for most people it's being way nerdier than they want people to know.
Yep. Um, that's when things break through. Like I tell the story of, you know, messaging the CEO of like, hint water. On LinkedIn, I'm like, you have red hair. We're both named Kara. You should be in my podcast. And she said, yes, because I sent the nerdiest dumbest like thing, right? So people would be horrified to send that email to a CEO of a company.
And I'm like, yeah, but it was real. Like, that's
really love. I thought Love that. I mean, I, I think too, like why, and this is something I've been thinking about so much, is like, why do we think professionalism means not being ourselves? Like why does Yes, why are we, like, I, I, I don't know. Like I, I kind of always joke 'cause like I'm not very professional, but it's actually like, not even a, it's not even a fucking thing.
Like what is, like everyone's, first of all, whoever is professional is making it up. And like, that's why, like, whose fucking standards are those? Like I don't, I like truly don't understand like that. And it just, if you are. Authentic to yourself, and like you are becoming the best version of yourself. Like, what do you have to lose?
What do you have to hide? Mm-hmm. Like, what else? Like, I, I don't know. I, I don't know. And I just, I hope that like the workplace becomes a, a more open space. Like, that's like, that's like all I want is I, I wonder what it would be like if we were more like it. Just because you're vulnerable doesn't mean you're sharing everything about yourself to these people.
Like, you can still have boundaries, but also still communicate things and like mm-hmm. Open and healthy ways. It doesn't have to be this, like, and that's not unprofessional. It's actually extremely professional to know what you're feeling and be able to communicate that appropriately. Mm-hmm. And not project that in like a, an abusive way.
Like that's actually extremely professional, but we're not taught how to do that. We're not taught how to. Empower ourselves to talk to these people. Like we're not taught how to deal with our insecurities in order to be in the workplace. Like, and that's what it is. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. And, and you know, when, when we look at what people would normally call professional, like even the phrase powerful ladies, uh, people are like, oh, like women in power suits with bad haircuts.
I'm like, no. Yeah, no, yeah, that's not what it means. Yeah. But so much of what profe the current definition of professional goes back to a male and white male system that had a lot about controlling people, not about allowing people to contribute or be self-expressed or be human. Um, you know, and there's, that's obviously where a huge battle of even just being moms in the workplace comes into play because for so many other cultures, there's a much better blend.
Yeah. And. I just hope we're getting back to, I just to your point, like I want people to feel free that who they are know, to know who they are is valuable, is needed, and it really is like you are somebody else's, uh, lighthouse, but if you don't turn your light on, we can't see it. So please turn your light on, like as bright as can be.
If you're, if we need to turn it down, somebody will tell you. Somebody will tell you.
What do you think that, like, like what do you think holds people back from turning their light on? Like what? And like Yeah.
What do you think? Um, well the people that I interact with, so like entrepreneurs and small business owners that I interact with most of the time, um, they don't wanna turn their light on because they're worried they're doing it wrong.
Hmm. Um, there's a lot. I see it with younger and younger people as well of like thinking that we have to do something a certain way. So either we have to follow this social media formula to produce results, or we have to like know x, y, and Z to make something work. So I think a lot of it is like, there's, there's the right way to do something and then there's the not right way.
Not that it's wrong, but it's not ideal or optimized or effective. So I think that's the big thing. Um, I think that there are lots of things that people haven't dealt with in their past of stories that they've adopted that were never theirs and they, they think they can't be something. Like I have a client who I adore and we've been doing a lot of work on, um, that she has to choose.
I'm, I'm anti choosing. I'm like, let's figure out how to do it all and make everyone win. So there's a lot of people thinking they have to choose or be one thing. Hmm. And it's because someone's, I think too, like
the expectations too, I feel like are so high right off the bat. I think the, the hu like people, I mean, they're, they're partially right, right?
Like mm-hmm. The humanness right now, especially on social media, is not accepted and mm-hmm. Um, so I actually do, and that I, I hope that there's a change in that, but like, it's so, like, it's very much like cancel culture. Like it's, that's a very real thing. Um. So there's also probably a bit of fear, and I know that like mm-hmm.
I mean, honestly, like personally, I, there's this dude, I, I do, um, it's called Body Works and it's like, I don't, I've never, this is like, I'm so new to so many things. Um, like any sort of like body emotion connect connection has always been really, I'm just so, I was so dissociative. But anyways, um, he was talking to me about how like we have a lot of wells in our life and we only have like one hose of energy, right?
And like with c happening. I only wanted to feel my energy in things that I for sure knew, like I was really good at, that I like, was very good at performing. Um, and that didn't, and that felt safe, right? Like, and not even safe in like a good way, like a safe, like I don't have to feel vulnerable in any way.
And so I noticed that like I was, um, I was just feeling in my energy in people and, and being a good listener and being a good friend and being everyone's everything and like the savior and like whatever. And so that was one 'cause I was really good at it. And then work, um, and like the workaholic if you will, like the very much the intense, like very good at getting, getting things done or focused or whatever it is.
And I was just kind of like mixing through those two, all those wells and completely forgot about my other ones, right? And like, why, and I, and I, I. I was good at like, kind of putting some energy in those wells. Mm-hmm. But like, didn't want to. And my, my body coach guide was like, like, what keeps you from like going there?
Mm-hmm. And I was like, well, like I'm not safe right now, so I can't just do something like, that's really scary. And, and then like I, I felt like if I'm not good at it, then like, what's even, like, what's the point? 'cause like, especially 'cause everything's feels so like, on the spot for me. And then I'm already like, not doing great and like, um, but then he was like, okay, just like close your eyes.
And like, so I, I was putting off my biking. I was honestly putting off my marriage. I was putting off. Mm-hmm. Like, uh, yoga, I was putting off anything that like, made me feel kind of like uncomfortable. Mm-hmm. And so then he was like, okay, like close your eyes and just like, imagine yourself like doing. Of those things.
And like, I just like closed my eyes and I was like imagining myself on my bike and like, just like sobbed. And I just, I, I imagined myself for five seconds what it was like to feel like the 8-year-old me again. And I was just like, I don't have a choice. Like, if I'm going to be happy, this has to be a part of my life and mm-hmm.
What, what am I put, what, what, what am I blocking? So that, yeah, what am I using to block, right? And mm-hmm. It was fear. It was, I didn't wanna disappoint people. I didn't wanna put boundaries, but like, when you are able to finally like, value yourself and value those other wells more so, 'cause you don't have any other choice, like, 'cause you have to feel that feeling of like freedom, like you.
Some of those boundaries get easier to start placing. And it's, so I've been trying to do that a lot, like imagining myself. 'cause I struggle with really, unfortunately, really chronic depression. And like, you've probably, if you, if you've been depressed before, you know, like doing anything is like a chore and like you just have no fucking energy and you're like, how the fuck am I gonna do this?
You know, like, oh my God, it's can happen one day. Okay. Like, and a distraction and like, you know, like, that's just how I was. Mm-hmm. But just to close your eyes and like, like imagine yourself stretching and like, what will that feel like? And just like, or imagine yourself, like imagine yourself sharing that song that you wrote to someone that you loved.
You're like, mm-hmm. I don't know. Like, it doesn't have to be this big thing either. It's just like those little, little steps to just like feel that little fire that I do believe everyone has. I do believe that. I just think that it got lost somewhere. I lost it for a long time. At least, you know. I don't know.
I've been thinking about this a lot.
Well, and I think it overlaps so many things, right? Because there's so much power in visualization. Um, you know, that's part, that's all of Tony Robbins formula is rooted in visualization. Mm-hmm. Moving outta the way, all the stuff you don't need and then visualizing what you really want.
There's even a great exercise of, you know, if you, um, put your arms out, like how far can you turn? You do it once and then you close your eyes and visualize you going all the way around like an owl. You will always stretch farther. Always like it trips people out. We'll do it right now. Okay.
Okay. Yeah.
Tell me, I don't know. So if you put your two arms in front of you. Do I have to sit down? Nope. You can stand. Yeah. So if you have your two arms out and then I want you to take your, uh, right arm and see how far around you can go with, yep. Perfect. And then bring it back. And then I want you to now close your eyes and don't move your arms, but just visualize moving your right hand all the way around, like almost 360, where it's your two back.
Your hands touch at the end, and now you can open your eyes, move your right arm again, and see how far you can go this time.
Oh my God.
Wow.
And that was what, four seconds that we did that exercise and it was one thing that's tippy as
fuck. Wow. Right. So,
so I love that visualizing matters, like visualizing, starting having the call winning at the end, like visualize the whole process. Um, there's people who just do coaching through visualization over and over and over again.
So that's so important. Um, but you know, a lot of, I work with a lot of creative entrepreneurs because I want people to be in their zone of genius. I don't want them having to figure out. You know, systems or pricing or all the things that, like I am like, doesn't take me like literally in four seconds I can be like, boop, here, just do this.
Yeah. Yeah. So a lot of people also get stuck because they, they know what they want, but they don't know how to get there. And so finding a partner who know, who can show them the steps of like, you know, how do you combine music and writing and mental health? What could that look like? And thinking about your husband too, like if he wants gardening to be more manly, like there's so many options to do that, right?
Mm-hmm. Like, there's so many cool ways to say like, okay, well don't choose, let's combine it. Like, what would that look like? So some people I think, get so stuck in only working with what they can see that they, one, don't believe that they can actually have this magical life that they really hope for. Um, and they also kind of forget how to be imaginative and creative and, and.
Go to those places. 'cause sometimes you have to again, go back to the 8-year-old and be really silly. Um, you know, I tell people all the time that one of my favorite magical careers is somebody who loved event planning and loves dogs and then launch a whole business where all she does is dog birthday parties.
Oh yeah. But she gets to live, right? Like her whole life is just making dog birthday parties. So as a 6-year-old, that's what you would probably draw, right? Like, what do you wanna be when you grow up? I wanna do doggy birthday parties. And everybody would be like, oh, that's cute. They might laugh, but they would never be taken seriously.
Mm-hmm. And we get so worried about being taken seriously sometimes It's like, no. Like if you wanna own a paintball ranch, like go and do it. Like, like whatever you want is possible. So, um, who's, who's your team around you that believes in you enough? Mm-hmm. To just say yes. Like we get so many no's.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah. No, I was gonna say, um. No, I, I think too, like that's why mental health is so important to me too. Like, because we hear all these stories, like I do believe that, but I don't believe that you can get there without, without not dealing with your shit. You know, like mm-hmm. And I think that's what's so sad, right?
Like you have to be able to go through the grudge and go through the dirt and go through the fucking everything, and like mm-hmm. Also feel safe in the process of it, which is also like privilege and mm-hmm. Um, and that's why it's not, that's why the system sucks, right? Like, I just, it's just so frustrating.
But I think that like, until you really like face your demons and until you really like. Know what, what is alive versus what's truth in your brain, or like, if it's more emotional for you. 'cause that's like how I'm, and um, like until, you know, what, what is the truth of, or the reality of the situation. Like, it's just, you can't, like, you can't, like, you really can't.
And so just encouraging people to like, I, it's so scary to fa like, I know it's fucking scary. I hated it. I, I'm still going through it, you know, like
mm-hmm.
Like, I still have a lot of days. Like I, yesterday was one of them, you know, I just
mm-hmm.
I was really sad and cried a lot, and I'm going through some personal shit, but I keep thinking like it's like so worth it.
Like, at least. Mm-hmm. At least I'm not living in that, like, completely unattached way, you know? Like, at least I'm experiencing things. At least I'm feeling things because like mm-hmm. Connecting to the humanness is like, at least for me, like that. I just, it's when it's real. Mm-hmm. It's real. Right. And mm-hmm.
It's, yeah. It's so hard. But I think getting, like you said, getting the people that really believe in you and like, support you and like saying bye to friendships that aren't, that's also really hard and like staying mm-hmm. Say putting boundaries on people that are actually taking the energy out of you, which is like mm-hmm.
As like an empath, like truly. Mm-hmm. One of the most difficult things I can ever do is putting like a strict boundary, but it is so worth it and you will feel alive and you will feel yourself. You will like the fact that you'll connect to your child again. Mm-hmm. Like, that is worth living for. I think it's been worth living for, for me.
Yeah. Like I've been playing violin lately and it's just like, it's so cool. Like I, my husband helped me. He's so cute. He, um, loves to go to the garbage dump and like pick a lot of like shit from there and like, make beautiful things. And he like got a ton of like, random pieces of styrofoam and put fabric from Wabisabi or, or from the thrift store.
Mm-hmm. Made like my little music studio for $12. And it's just like this connection to the fact that like, this is like, just like, this is what I imagined myself doing when I was, when I was eight I was gonna sing into a microphone and I was gonna have a little space with my piano and, and like Yeah. And it's like, it's right here.
And it's like right next to me it's $12, but I don't care. Yeah.
Yeah. Because it's not. You know that, that's such a great example of not being attached to how you get there. Just getting there. Oh yeah. Right. Like if, you know, they have that phrase of if you want something to throw your hat over the wall, 'cause then you have to go get it.
And you know, I'm such a believer in if you're, if you're doing what you're supposed to be doing and leaning in on you and being other people show up in your life who have the keys, like how cool is that? Like, if you are doing it, like people will show up, like, tell people what you want. You know, A client of mine goes, I started asking people for what I want, and they all had the answers.
She's like, you're weird. Like, you're like, yeah, this
works. It does. It's just like, isn't it, it's so funny because I'm so glad you say that. I feel like a lot of people think I'm also weird for being, like communicating my needs and like, I don't, I don't know any other way to live because it's just like such a natural thing, but like.
Yeah, people want to do good and people want, and like dude, last weekend even just, I didn't wanna hike all of this Sandy, Sandy, sandy things. It was just a lot. And I'm just like, God, I really hope someone just is so happens to like drive past this like dirt road in like the sandiest place. And I was just like, I'm a hundred percent gonna hitchhike.
And like I stuck my thumb out because there was someone there and he is like, you look like you're lost. And like he's like, yeah, well I just don't wanna walk over there. And I was just like, I genuinely was like, do can you take us? And like he ended up taking us. And not only that, like I got to know this person and I had like immediate like kind of even walls at first because white men bring that out of me.
And I was like, okay, well. Like, that's okay to feel now. You're gonna like, let that pass. And like, just got to know who this person was and like learned that. He had been like, he, he owns this business of like four wheels that go back and forth. He'd been off work, work, he was already off work. And just because he, the kindness of his heart, he literally was like, yeah, there's just been so many people and I just don't want them to get stuck at night.
And like, just the fact that he like, and I, that was why it was like, he wants to do good because doing good feels good. And so when you ask someone to do something, they want to do that. I think that humans want to give, like I do, I believe in that shit. Like yeah, there's some people that don't For sure, for sure.
But like, and you don't have to take offense to that 'cause that's, they're, that they're living their own past. It's nothing to do with you. But like the people who, like you ask someone and they like, mm-hmm you feel this energy. I'm like, why? What's the worst that could happen? Like. They say no, and then you move on.
But if they say yes, a fucking cool opportunity, like it really is that simple sometimes. Yeah. We complicate things, man. We complicate
this. We do, we do. We really like doing it the hardest way possible. And I, you know, I, I think there's, you know, I, I literally have a post-it on my monitor that says, is this the simplest way to do this?
Hmm. And I, I, I go, I rotate through kinda what's the message I wanna remind myself on. Um hmm. Because the other thing I think people do that stops him is we try and do everything at once. And we can really only do one, right? They, there's, um, Jocko Willink has the book, discipline equals Freedom, and then there's contradictory writings that say you only need discipline when you're getting the habit formed after that.
It's just a habit. It's not hard, like discipline sounds so mm-hmm. Like uphill in the snow, you know? Mm. It sounds hard. So if you just do one thing at a time and it just becomes normal, then you can keep layering things on. So it's actually way faster one at a time than all at once. But, so this is the one I have now, and, mm, sometimes the simplest way, it's just to phone a friend and instead we're like, I'll launch 25 marketing campaigns and, you know, do this, do that instead of all, and I'm like, why?
Like, you need five clients, just call somebody, like, we don't need to talk to strangers. Like mm-hmm. It's, we, we, uh, get so afraid to sell to people and to talk to people. When, as you said, most people want help. Most people are looking for somebody who has whatever you're offering. Like, you know, you're proof of it yourself, right?
Like so many people are so stoked that you're doing your thing because they're like, I've been looking for you this whole time and I didn't know you existed.
Yeah. And like, I think too, collaborating is one of the most beautiful things you can do as a human. And like asking for help is not mean that you don't know what you're doing.
Like I am. I, I would argue it's the opposite. Like, asking for help means you know what you're doing because you can't do anything alone. Are you kidding? Like mm-hmm. Whoever thinks that they can do things alone, like, is probably well, is probably very unhappy. Like, like if you think you can do something by yourself, you probably are lonely.
You're suffering and very, yeah, you're suffering. Like, I just, I feel like just being honest with like. What you're good at, what you're not good at. Like, and that's okay. That there's truly nothing wrong with that. Things that you may like, need to work a little bit harder on things that you maybe don't ever wanna work hard on.
Like, it just, just being truly honest about everything. Mm-hmm. And like reaching out to others and asking. I mean, like, that's the coolest part. I've met the best people because of that most, most. Mm-hmm. And like, you get to be learn from somebody, which is also like, so cool. Like to see how someone else's mind is different than yours, you know?
And like get to see the beauty of somebody else. Like it's, I think it's, yeah. I don't know. People are So you need people like you need people. Yes.
You definitely do. Yeah. Uh, so we ask everybody on the podcast where they put themselves in the powerful lady scale, zero being average, everyday human, and 10 being the most powerful lady possible.
Um. So where would you put yourself today? Where would you put yourself on average?
Hmm.
This is hard for me. I'm
pretty sure we're getting like hard for everybody. Yeah, and it's, I think it's actually a really, you know, at some point we should probably do a look back and just, just do a compilation of these segments because it's definitely some great psychological, um, I'm inadvertently doing a psychological case study.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Um, I think my question, what? I'm too existential. Um, can you, can I ask you like what you are defining
powerful as. Yes. Great question. Um, I think powerful is what you and I have been talking about, right? Of, of stepping into your authentic self and, and opening up your heart versus needing to get anything else.
Um,
today
I feel like, I feel like I'm gonna cry. Um, I feel like I'm like at a 10 today because, um, I'm at, to make a really hard decision I yesterday that is, um, making me feel like the next two months of my life are gonna be exactly what I've worked so hard to accomplish. And so I'm choosing that it's a 10 because I, I deserve a 10 and I have worked too hard.
Do not let myself en enjoy what I've created for myself. And so I'm gonna choose a 10. Um, on average, I would say not 10, I would say like a five. Um, as like the last few months, uh, well back and forth. I feel like I've been jumping from like, I'll be like five to like eight, seven. Mm-hmm. Four, five. Like, I'm just such an up and down person, but I, I'm trying to embody more of a 10.
So, and that's a choice that you come. I have, I'm trying to make
Yeah, no, it, it's a great point of it being a choice, you know, powerful ladies. You know, when people ask me what it means, right? It also doesn't mean that every day is perfect, right? Like, literally it can change minute by minute, hour by hour, week by week.
Yeah. But I think, you know, the underlying recurrence of powerful humans is. We keep trying, we keep going down this journey of, of, of what's out there, what's the lesson, what's next? What else can I enjoy? Who can I meet? Like it's, um, there's a curiosity and a, and a seeking to it, which I think allows, um, you know, what's next.
So, and I think too, like even, and on top of it too, like choosing yourself, like for, and I, I only say this because like, I, I thought for a long time that it was choosing people because I'm so good at like external, like choosing people choosing this, but like
mm-hmm.
I, I can't stress enough that I think that we need the most time with ourselves, and it's mm-hmm.
That unless you choose that, like it's not. You can't feel like a dead, you know, like you really can't. Yeah. 'cause you're not being true to yourself. So just like choosing yourself first and like that means you take a lot of time for self. That means a lot of, like grieving, it means a lot of loneliness. It means a lot of feelings.
It means a lot. Mm-hmm. But when we're okay with trying and trying and not giving up and changing and rearranging and responding and asking questions and looking in the mirror and like constantly kind of reflecting, you know, I think.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah. I think that's, that's how I wanna live my life at least.
Well, and to be in wonder, right? Like we, yeah, we're so good at going to the Grand Canyon and being in awe, but we aren't good at looking in the mirror and being in awe. And you know, my friend Adeline. Who's a yoga instructor and really big on, she's, she's big on yoga for mental health because she had lots of anxiety and that's how she found yoga.
She did the psychotherapeutic class with me. Um, she has this exercise in one of her yoga classes where you just start by thanking your body from your toes up. Hmm. And so you have to decide what are you gonna thank your different body parts for? And I, she, she did this class for a powerful ladies event and I'm like, I'm just there 'cause this is my thing and I'm here supporting.
But I started really doing the exercise and it was so emotional because we don't step back and say like, thank you legs for allowing me to hike. Thank you legs for getting me to that mountain. Thank you for getting me to that view. Thank you for, you know, every day our legs are literally supporting us and we do not say thank you.
Or even like, thank you. And this is, I can't even take credit for this because this happened to one of my best friends yesterday. She was, we were climbing up this mountain, oh my God. We were climbing up this mountain and, um, she's just gone through a divorce, a lot of trauma, and she was about to get to the top and she was saying this phrase over and over, she was like, trying to put it together and like, just like broke down sobbing because her, her phrase was like, don't punish your body for surviving through trauma.
And I think it's just like, if you are at a really broken place, like do not blame yourself for how your body is protecting you and like how your emotions are protecting you. And like, that's actually even like more so just how mm-hmm. How miraculous and how. Amazing the human body and like how, like, this is like, like this is amazing.
Like what, what we have. Mm-hmm. Like, it's so amazing. Mm-hmm. Even in the worst of states, you know, it's just, yeah. It's, it's, it's crazy. Yeah.
The, the process of emotions, the process of the immune system, like, it's so crazy. It's, it's so crazy that we don't even know how it works anymore. Like we, it's so beyond our, our scope of reality that it's, you know, it's, it takes a whole team of people to tell us it's actually happening sometimes, right?
Mm-hmm. Um, but you know, it's, I just think all that you're creating in the world and all that you are out there to do and serve. It's, it's just beautiful that you're doing that and how you're connecting with people, and that you are willing to go to the deep places that you can help other people go there and come back to.
Right. It's like you get to be a human scuba diver, which, how cool is that?
Yeah, totally. Totally. Yeah. Mm-hmm. It's such, um, and like, to be able to, like, I'm, I'm sure you feel like that too. Just like to be able to see someone be like the truest versions of themselves is just, it's, it's one of the coolest gifts that you could ever receive.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Yeah. It's, yeah, a hundred percent. I'm the. It's, I feel like it's like how I'm not a mom, right? But like how a mom feels seeing their kids learn to do something like,
oh yeah, I
feel my heart grow a few sizes every time somebody does something awesome for themselves. Right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.
Well, it's been such a pleasure to talk to you today. Thank you for your sharing and authenticity and amazing conversation. I could have kept talking to you for the rest of the day. I
know, me too. I know. It's so natural. And I also thank you for just, um, it's, it's, I, I've been kind of isolated, um, from like mostly worse work people just trying to figure out boundaries, um, right now.
Mm-hmm. And just trying to figure out like how much, who do I wanna trust and like, you know, just honestly in like a professional proportional, um mm-hmm. Way. But I feel like this conversation. Um, just really meant a lot to me just because, like, I haven't, like, I feel like I've been bringing up these conversations and for someone else to like, bring up these conversations is like, really like energizing and like, it made me feel so like, okay, maybe, first of all, maybe I'm not crazy.
Like I, I know like, because you kind of like, sometimes you're like, am I, what's happening? Like, is this even real? Like I'm just telling people to be themselves, but like, ugh, you know, like, but uhhuh, it's, it's so cool to like other, have other people who also see the value in this and like, yeah. So thank you just for bringing that energy and your authenticity and I just, it means a lot and it's very inspiring and encouraging.
I love it. Right. That's why the word namaste exists, right? Namaste. That's right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Well, for everybody who, um, wants to support you, follow you, connect with you, figure out how they can be part of your Patreon groups, where can they find you, follow you, all the things?
Yeah. Um, so my Instagram is where I put most of my, my work and my, my art.
Um, my Patreon is on the bio, but the Patreon's basically for people who are trying to find, um, other people who are talking about this kind of stuff and just like, mm-hmm. Um, just like support. It's not, and we have book clubs right now reading a book together, which has like, been really cool and like so cute and dorky and I love it too.
And it's just, maybe it's just like a bunch of mental health nerds who are just like, let's talk about our feelings, but it's just been so, so cool. Um, and then. Honestly, like coming up, I'm gonna be releasing music, which is like, so exciting. And I'm releasing a song that I'm just so passionate about that I recently wrote.
And, um, that's gonna come out next month, which is like, so cool. And I'm very excited. Um, and then trying to think of other things that I'm doing. I'm, I'm mostly just doing a lot of Instagram stuff, to be honest, and a lot of writing and mm-hmm. Podcasting and stuff like that. Oh, my podcast, which I'm gonna start releasing again next month is called Underneath It All, and it's just like the integration of mental health in the outdoor space.
Um, and you can find that on podcast wherever you listen to your podcast, so, yeah. Perfect.
And what's your Instagram handle? Oh yeah. For the listeners,
um, yeah, it's of course, um, at Grisel, GRIZ, LCO.
Perfect. Well, it really has been such a pleasure. I'm so glad that we've been connected, and I'm sure we will find ways to collaborate in the future.
I hope so. But thank you so much, and I can't wait for everybody to, um, you know, leave other comments about how great this episode is. I'm
so
excited.
Thank you so much.
Thank you for listening to today's episode. All the links to connect with Relle are in the show notes@thepowerfulladies.com slash podcast. There you can also leave comments and ask questions about this episode. Want more powerful ladies, come join us on Instagram at Powerful Ladies, where you can also find some free downloads.
Start being powerful today. Subscribe to this podcast and can help us connect with more listeners by leaving us a five star rating and review. If you're looking to connect directly with me. Visit Kara duffy.com. Moving back next week with a brand new episode. Until then, I we're taking on being powerful in your life.
Go be awesome and up to something you love.
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Created and hosted by Kara Duffy
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Music by Joakim Karud
