Episode 380: Becoming a Mom by Choice, IVF, & Redefining What “Having It All” Means | Kara Duffy | Entrepreneur, Business Coach, & Host of Powerful Ladies
What happens when the life you imagined for yourself doesn’t happen on the timeline, or in the order you expected? In this deeply personal episode of Powerful Ladies, Kara Duffy sits down with her dear friend and past guest Aleks Lason to talk about becoming a mom by choice, navigating a two-year IVF journey, and building a new chapter of her life without putting her ambition on hold.
Kara opens up about why she kept her IVF journey private, the emotional and physical realities of multiple rounds of egg retrievals and embryo transfers, and the moment she had to grieve the family she thought she would have. She shares how choosing herself ultimately created more freedom—not just in motherhood, but in her businesses and her life.
Six months into motherhood, Kara also gets candid about pregnancy, an emergency C-section, the realities of postpartum recovery, choosing a birth partner, building systems around a newborn, and learning when to let the plan change. Together, Kara and Aleks explore what it means to build a life that makes room for motherhood, entrepreneurship, creativity, friendship, and joy—without believing you have to compromise one for another.
“We [my daughter and I] have such a great little life that we’re building together.I love being a mom, 1,000 out of 10 recommendations”
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Kara Duffy: Welcome to the Powerful Ladies podcast. I'm Kara Duffy, and today's guest is me. We're switching things up today and having my dear friend and past Powerful Ladies podcast guest, Alex Lawson, ask me all the questions. About what, you ask? In this episode, Alex is asking me all her questions about how I became a mom.
Surprise, if you're just learning this now, I am a mom now. And so she's asking me all about my journey going through IVF, why I haven't posted about it anywhere, how I'm doing six months in while still running three businesses and this unique journey that I've had. And if you wanna dive deeper into these topics and maybe even see a picture of my adorable daughter, head over to my Substack.
In the meantime, enjoy this episode of me spilling the beans on choosing mom life, what's been good, hard, the choices I've had to make, [00:01:00] and all the things. I can't wait to hear what you guys think.
Kara Duffy: I am here today with my dear friend Alex Lawson, and she's gonna be taking over today because we're talking about a really important topic that's personal, and so I'm gonna let her be in charge and interview me today. So, um, Alex, you're in charge
Aleks Lason: Well, Kara, thank you so much for having me here today. I'm really excited to be doing this with you. I'm very honored to be doing this with you. You have accomplished so much in your life. You have worked all over the world for global legacy brands. You've carried all kinds of titles and built incredible teams. But one of the biggest, most, most powerful title you can ever carry or h- the role you can ever play is the role of mother, [00:02:00] and I am really excited to say that this is what this episode is about. It's about you entering into a new phase of your life of being a mom, of, and actually Kaia Duffy turns six months today.
Kara Duffy: Yep
Aleks Lason: And, uh, I wanted to find out from you, six months in, how are you feeling?
Kara Duffy: Great. Um, I feel super spoiled and lucky and blessed that I have maybe the best baby on the planet, and I've had a great, you know, support team. and you know, it's been way easier than I expected it to be so far
Aleks Lason: Um, but you haven't made a big announcement about going through the pregnancy, announcing any of it.
Kara Duffy: No, I mean, most people don't, even know.
Aleks Lason: Yeah, no, I know. I know. This is, I think, also, I, g- this is gonna be a shocker, a [00:03:00] shocker for a lot of friends, family, clients that you are a mom of a six-month-old.
Kara Duffy: Surprise.
Aleks Lason: Yeah, so, um, you actually, speaking of not telling people, you actually also avoided telling your parents for a while that you were thinking about this. Why- what is behind the whole idea of not telling anybody that you were gonna go through the IVF journey, the sperm donor journey?
Kara Duffy: Yeah I think maybe we kinda just like let everyone know that I'm a mom by choice. Just to kinda give context like what type of mother I am, and
I hate the phrase single mother by choice because I'm a mother by choice. I'm not single by choice. So anyone listening who would like to live with the three ladies that are over here, two gingers and a fluffy white dog, we're, we're taking applications. But I think that, My parents would probably say that I don't tell them [00:04:00] much until I've decided exactly what I wanna do, and I have to like work it out myself and like really kind of figure out what I wanna do and why. I mean, I don't even think they know, like, most of the people I've ever dated in my life either.
Um, so that part's probably not surprising. Um, but I think with choosing to become a mom on my own, there were so many steps that you have to get through to actually make it a reality, and for me, it was a two-year process. And like at first you're like, "Hey, let me just do some tests and see if I have the level of fertility I need.
Okay, then let's see if my body can carry it, and then let's see if we get eggs, and let's see if we get embryo." Like there's so many steps that go along the way that I was just kinda like, "All [00:05:00] right, we're just gonna see how far we get, and once it becomes something real, then I'll start telling people."
Aleks Lason: I'm, I'm pretty sure your doctor said you have a uterus of a 22-year-old
Kara Duffy: Um, yes. The, the, um, my doctor said my uterus is beautiful, exact quote. Um, and I never expected that to be a compliment I was given in my lifetime, so it's really seared in my memory. Um, so yeah, carrying a, a child is apparently not a, not a problem for me.
Aleks Lason: Yeah.
Kara Duffy: but yeah. Mm-hmm
Aleks Lason: So what, what was behind that choice?
Kara Duffy: Not telling people or doing it in general?
Aleks Lason: doing it
Kara Duffy: Um, I've always known I wanted to be a mom. I actually figured I would be a mom of, like, many children. Like, if you had asked 16,
24-year-old me that I would- that's what I would have guessed. I kinda figured, like, finding a husband and a partner and, like, having... And we just kinda all just happened. I didn't have to do a [00:06:00] lot to control it. And then I got to a point in my life where I was over 40, and I had ended a long-term relationship, and I still wanted to be a mom. And ideally, I wanted to be a, a biological mother. And so I kinda just said, like, "Well," like, "fuck it. Let's just see if we do it by ourselves. I don't wanna wait." Like, I'm getting old, and when you start doing the math of, like, how old you're gonna be when they're hitting certain milestones, you start to, like, feel a little nauseous. So I was like, "All right," like, "we're getting old. We just kinda, kinda have to do it." And so I, yeah, I made the decision to just go for it. And, like, honestly, it was, like, just let's see what's possible each step cause at any point you can change your mind. I was still dating throughout a lot of that process, or trying to, or open to it.
Aleks Lason: And, uh, how was that conversation? Were you having those [00:07:00] conversations while you were dating that like, "This is what your plan is and this is what you're going through?" Or was it also not d- not
discussed?
Kara Duffy: Um, I only had to have that conversation once when I was like, started seeing someone after I had done the transfer. And I was like, "Yeah, so, uh, I'm pregnant. Do you still wanna hang out?" But otherwise, like, I just didn't tell people because again, it wasn't real. I was just going through the milestones and some people knew because I was like...
I had to give myself shots and do these things, so people would have to... I'd have to leave a dinner or do something and then come back and be the sketchy person like shooting up in a bathroom, or the most memorable place was on Melrose in LA out of my trunk. So,
Aleks Lason: Classy.
Kara Duffy: So super classy, super classy. It's actually the night I hung out with you guys. Um, [00:08:00] yeah, we were at the, um, um, the gallery, um, for playback. Mm-hmm. Um,
Aleks Lason: I had no idea
Kara Duffy: mm-hmm. Um, but yeah, so I was just kinda doing it, and it wasn't like I didn't want people to know. It wasn't like I was like... I wasn't suffering in silence either. Like, it was just another thing I was doing. Um, so yeah, I kinda told people as they needed to know, and if someone asked me about it, I would tell them. Otherwise, I had like five million other things that I was doing at the same time. So, um, I had to talk to pe- to people about a lot of other stuff.
Aleks Lason: Tell us about the journey. So you made the decision, you find a clinic, you start the process. What does that look like?
Kara Duffy: So when you decide to do either an egg retrieval or the full IVF process, it's, it starts the same way. And for people who don't know, the, [00:09:00] like IVF is the actual formation of embryos. So harvesting eggs, getting sperm making them in the petri dish. Like, that's the IVF process, like getting to an embryo that you either use fresh or you freeze and use later.
And so if you're doing an egg retrieval, it starts the same way where you have to do a bunch of tests with your doctor and get your different levels and figure out what hormones you do or don't need to get to your ideal level of viability. And then once you're ready, you have to take a bunch of drugs, do a bunch of shots.
I now feel like I'm like partially nurse-qualified with how much I know about injections now. And it really baffled me that they kind of send you home with all this medication, which is very expensive, and these very insis- specific instructions that are kind of terrifying. And then they're like, "Okay, bye.
Do it by yourself." And you're like, "What?" And there was some-- I remember there was a time when my [00:10:00] parents were at my house and I had to do this, this series of injections that were very important. And my mother was trying to talk to me while I was doing it, and I was like, "No, no, like, I can't, I have to do so much math right now, plus inject this two-and-a-half-inch needle into myself. We're gonna have to hold the questions until like I get through this. It's a five-minute process, but please hold." And so I am amazed that they send you home with all of the stuff to do on your own because it's so easy to mess it up. Luckily I did not through that process. I think there was once that I missed a shot or something and called them in a panic and they're like, "Listen, do it right now.
You're totally fine." But yeah, you have to be really organized and on top of your shit to go through all of it. And then you have a surgery to retrieve the eggs, and then they tell you how many you have and like what quality they are. And then if you're doing IVF right away, they introduce the sperm and start going towards making embryos, and they track that [00:11:00] for a couple of days in the lab, and then they tell you how many embryos you end up having and their quality also.
And then you're choosing, do I use them right away or do I freeze them? So that's just like your eggs and your embryo process. And then once you're ready to do an embryo transfer you have to do a whole bunch of-- You have to do a test run to like get all the measurements for your body to know exactly what they have to give you to make it as perfect as possible. And then you, um, get ready to do the transfer and have to do a bunch of shots then. And then you're doing shots until about 12 weeks of pregnancy also.
Aleks Lason: Okay.
Kara Duffy: alone any other medication. So it's like a lot of shots, a lot of medication
Aleks Lason: Yes. And where's your mental state during this? Because I feel like there's, the, the shots carry hormones. You're, I feel like, I would assume, I mean, I would, you, you, we didn't know you were going through this, that [00:12:00] you're also having to... You've got hormones you're experiencing, but then also you've got the constant chatter to yourself. You're choosing not to talk to a lot of people about what's going on. So what are you experiencing during these shots and these 12 weeks and before even the 12 weeks?
Kara Duffy: Um, well, I guess to give people more of like a calendar for context. So I had to do three rounds of egg retrievals, um, and IVF cycles before I had to do two rounds of embryo transfers.
Aleks Lason: Mm-hmm.
Kara Duffy: So it's a, it's a lot, it's a long time. And I was really excited because the first time I did it, it was-- it all went really great. Everything was above expectations for my age. We did one round, we got three embryos, and That was like August of one year, and then I-- that January, I tried to do the first embryo [00:13:00] transfer, and it didn't take, and we can talk about why later. So the first time I did it, like everything was just kind of fine.
Like, my body handled the hormones really well. My body was fine doing another like project essentially, like just another thing on the list of what we do every day. Um, like, so all of that was like really not a big deal for me personally. And then when the transfer didn't take, and then I had to do another round of IVF, like you have to wait and like get your body going again.
So it's not oh, you just turn around and do it next week. It's like, no, you have to kind of follow some of your own natural rhythms plus the cycle of hormones you have to do. So I did the second one in July, and I got no embryos out of that one, and that was really devastating. And then because the first three embryos I had weren't available anymore, and then I had to do a third round.[00:14:00]
And before I did the third round, I started going to therapy for the first time because between the embryo transfer not working and then the second IVF cycle getting nothing, like I think I started realizing things were catching up with me that were not just about becoming a mom and doing this process.
It was just like a lot of other stuff. And I was like, "No, I really want this to work. I really want to be a mom, so I'm going to dedicate as much of my resources into clearing out whatever shit was not-- I was carrying that I didn't need to." Didn't know what it, didn't care where it came from. Could have been work stuff, could have been growing up stuff. It didn't matter what it was. I'm like, "Whatever space I have to make, we're doing." So like I invested so much that kind of quarter into, uh, therapy and wellness and reiki sesh. Like if, acupuncture, whatever I could do to physically, mentally, spiritually get to the best place possible, I was [00:15:00] doing. But I think the biggest kinda milestone mentally really happened on the first cycle, which was grieving that I was becoming, creating a family in a way I never expected. And once I let that go and, like, went through that process it was really empowering. I felt very freed up to do whatever I wanted in any order I wanted. and just like you realize how much bullshit you're carrying from
what society tells you what people who care about you tell you, what idiots in the world say, there's just, you don't realize how much of it you're holding onto. But grieving that I didn't have a partner and I was doing it on my own, once I let that go, like, all this space opened up. And not just for becoming a parent, but it was also I was more empowered in so many other places of my [00:16:00] life. The year that I went through most of this was also, my most successful business year to date. And so I just think a lot of these things of choosing yourself and making space for what really matters to you, which I talk to people about all the time, like, doing it for myself works, too.
Aleks Lason: You are, um, you're definitely someone who you take action so quick. Like, you see a problem in the company, you're already like, "Okay, well then what do we need to do to solve it?" You have a goal, "Okay, what are the back steps we need to take?" So it's really great to see that you've applied essentially that mentality into real world life, your life scenario, 'cause I think most women don't know how to help themselves in this case or need the extra outer support where you were going through this with a very tiny group of people that at this point only knew, and you were figuring out what you needed.
You didn't need somebody to come and say, "How can I help you?" You were already [00:17:00] asking that to yourself, and I think that's so admirable and very, a very hard barrier for most people to break through. So I applaud you for that, 'cause that's huge. Let's talk about what happened with the first pregnancy, because ultimately there were two, correct?
Kara Duffy: Well, I was never pregnant the first time, but I did do two embryo transfers. Like I had said, like the first IVF cycle went way beyond expectations. Like for my age, we got so many eggs, and we got three embryos, and everything was looking great, and I was so excited to be like, "Awesome, I can like do this in one shot and just have it done."
Also, because I'm paying out of pocket. Everything I've done, I have paid for. And when I-- we can talk about the financial cost of all this if we wanna get into that. But at the time, I had just enough money saved essentially for like one round, one attempt to do this. And so everything was going great, and I was so happy about it, and like things were costing a little bit less than expected, so that's [00:18:00] great.
I was like, well, you know, kind of this approach. I'm like, "Well, we're ready." I'm just kinda like, "Fuck it," like I did this 'cause I was already feeling old, so like let's just go. And I will clarify, like even though I wanted to be a mom and have kids, I never f- like felt 100% ready. Like I don't think that's a possibility, right?
Aleks Lason: Yeah
Kara Duffy: and it's really weird to kinda like... Typically, when people get pregnant, like they, they find out when it's already happened. Like I was like, "Okay, today we're gonna get pregnant." Like it's very weird to say that and have it on the calendar and like leave your house being like, "This is what we're going to do."
Um, and so it's a little bit different of you're kinda asking yourself like, "Am I totally insane? Like is this what I should be doing?" And you kinda just at one point just jump and be like, "We'll figure it out." And this is also very much my personality of like, "It's fine. We'll figure it all out."
Aleks Lason: Right.
Kara Duffy: Uh, you want it enough. Like it doesn't need to, be 100% at all. [00:19:00] Um, I want it more than I don't want it, so let's go. And so we did. I decided to just go for immediately or as soon as I could an initial embryo transfer to try to get pregnant. Did it in early like January of '24 and- When I did, when you do the embryo transfer, you're just in a office room that's dark and mellow and so mu- I paid for having acupuncture after it was done, too, to be extra calm.
And you're just kinda there, and they insert a huge pipette and place it, and then that's it. It's really not-- it's the mo- the least exciting part of, like, all the things we're doing. And the first time I did it, I felt very zen and very connected. I felt surrounded by ancestors and good energy. I just felt really like, ooh I felt things coming together to make it happen.
It was very calming. I do remember that my brother picked me up from that experience 'cause they [00:20:00] still, like, don't want you driving and doing stuff. You have to kinda, like, be horizontal for a couple days to make sure things literally stick. Um, and he was waiting for me in the lobby, and they were like, "Oh, do you wanna go back in there with her?" He's like, "Ew, no." He was so like, "Don't make me do that." And so that always makes me laugh. But about two weeks later-ish, you do the pregnancy test, and I wasn't pregnant. And there's a, statistically there's a relatively high chance that it, they don't work, just like regular pregnancies don't either. And so I
Aleks Lason: have to, did you have to actually do a, like a regular, um, pregnancy test, or did they do blood work with you at the clinic?
Kara Duffy: They do blood work at the doctor's office, yep.
Aleks Lason: Okay
Kara Duffy: And
so like it ca- came back negative. I was bummed out, but like I still had two other embryos to potentially work with and we were figuring out like if their grades were high enough to [00:21:00] like make it worth it. We were having that discussion, and then like a month later, I get a phone call that-- where essentially the doctor tells me that it probably wasn't my fault why we didn't get pregnant because a technician in the lab that thaws the embryos, getting them ready for transfer, may have accidentally killed them all.
Aleks Lason: Mm-hmm.
Kara Duffy: And not just me, like 60-ish other families were impacted.
And that was to m- to me, that was such a relief knowing that it like wasn't me, it wasn't the embryo. It was this accident that was awful that somebody did, But it wasn't me. We could do it again. 'Cause, like, when you-- what doesn't happen, you worry it's you, and so, like, your fear for, like, the next thing changes.
So this actually made me less afraid to keep going. And I didn't know the gender [00:22:00] of, um, the embryos. I didn't wanna know until they were real, and so I didn't know at all for this one. But then when they told me why it didn't work, they told me "And we're so sorry that's why you lost your son." And I was like, "What?" That gave me a whole head trip because it wasn't real before then. Like, it was a concept. It was an idea. And I'm not...
Aleks Lason: they gave it a, a life
by saying that
Kara Duffy: And so that, that was, like, a whole head trip thing. And what I didn't realize until much later is h- is that it did cause this greater level of, like, PTSD with all the other stuff that happened
Aleks Lason: Mm-hmm.
Kara Duffy: All the odds are kinda stacked against you doing IVF. It really does become this miracle journey in a completely different way. [00:23:00] And you're doing all these things, or not doing things, depending on what the actions are, to make your odds as great as, as they possibly can be.
Aleks Lason: Right
Kara Duffy: But it made it much scarier thereafter for every step. You start having this little bit of anxiety and then, "Oh, okay, we made it past that step." And everything I did from that point onward carried that through. And, like, until my daughter was actually born, I still wasn't sure she was going to be 'cause I was like, "Might not be real still. Might not be real." Um, which is insane when you're huge and you can't walk and, you know, everyone else in the world is like, "No, you're definitely having a baby," and I'm like, "We'll see. There's still a few steps to get through."
Aleks Lason: Which is very, that doesn't sound like Kara
Kara Duffy: May- y- maybe not, right? But like, I don't know if like with this [00:24:00] journey, I just took a I'll believe it when I see it approach. Like, I'm gonna do everything. I'm gonna g- I'm gonna allow myself to get sort of excited about it in certain phases, but it's not, it's not totally real. Um, and then you realize that that's what makes being pregnant and the whole childbirth experience is so traumatizing in general because there are so many things that can go wrong, um, the whole way through
Aleks Lason: So when you did get pregnant with Kaia and you heard the heartbeat for the first time, um, your sister Jordan cried, but you had no emotion
Kara Duffy: Jordan thinks that I am emotionless sometimes. But I think I'm not that type of person. It's really rare if somebody tells me, like, "Oh, I'm pregnant," or, "I'm getting married," or... It's really rare that I, I respond in an emotional way. I'm happy for people, I'm happy to [00:25:00] celebrate it, but I'm not the type of gal that cries, and there's no squealing and crying on my side to those types of things. I'm much more likely to get emotional seeing an underdog win at something than, than those moments.
Aleks Lason: But a heartbeat is, a win
Kara Duffy: it is, I think... So I think the context for where I was at, that was at seven weeks of pregnancy. I felt like absolute garbage.
Aleks Lason: Yeah
Kara Duffy: I... Like, nothing was comfortable. Um, I was almost narcoleptic my whole first trimester. And so for me, it was like, oh, thank God. Can I now go back to sleep?" Versus, like... 'Cause a- again, it's also seven weeks, anything can happen.
Aleks Lason: Yeah
Kara Duffy: Like, I did not feel like I could exhale in this process until I held her.
Aleks Lason: [00:26:00] Yeah
Kara Duffy: So I was just like, "Okay, next step. Let's go to the next one." Like, that's how it was. It was check, check.
Aleks Lason: moving forward.
Kara Duffy: Exactly. E- exactly. Yeah, and then Jordan was a hot- She was crying and the doctor
cried. They both looked at me like I was
Aleks Lason: Kara, you made the
Kara Duffy: life form
Aleks Lason: you made the doctor cry, and you were like, "Take me to bed."
Kara Duffy: Yeah, I was like, "Okay, are we done here? I am starving and I need to go back to sleep."
Aleks Lason: Yeah. So I remember when, um, when I was pregnant, you had asked me if I had built out a plan for myself at six months because the baby would be teething, so on. Um, knowing what you know now, and have experienced that in having this, like, tire- really tiring first trimester, um, did, were you constantly shifting things in the business to give yourself what you needed?
Or were you already like, "No, this is what's supposed to happen," and sort of... 'Cause y- you're such a planner. [00:27:00] You're such a organizer. You're such a problem solver. But this is life.
You can't always plan every detail of this. So I'm just curious what that was like for you behind the scenes when you're like, "This is happening. It's moving forward, but everything around me is still continuing to move forward."
Kara Duffy: So I- I've, I've made so many maternity plans for clients, and I've had clients who the first year " that they launched their business, they got pregnant.
Aleks Lason: Mm-hmm.
Kara Duffy: And for all of them, we have figured it out. Most have s- their business has grown through all of it. They've made it through, and they've had more kids. They're great. And when we're doing those plans, as you mentioned, I, I'm like, we have to have plans like
A through D or Z, depending on how many variables we're looking at. Because when we made the maternity plans, it was like, what do we do for like the third trimester and once the baby's here? Because m- most people, whatever your perceived [00:28:00] notion is of how you're going to be on the other side of it is not what it's actually like.
I know people who have been workaholics, they have a baby, and they quit work. I know people who are determined to be stay-at-home, they have their baby, and they're like, "Get me out of here. I love this child, and I can't do this all day long, 24/7." So I think we need to be prepared to like go into an unknown.
And for me, a lot of my planning to be a mom felt very much like when I moved abroad of like, I don't know what it's gonna be like. I need to just be prepared for like all the things to show up, anything to happen. So like how are we gonna have options for the extremes and the middle and all that? Because our A plan should be what we think is most likely to happen, but we need to be prepared for all the other choices.
Aleks Lason: Right. So what was your plan?
Kara Duffy: Well, what I will say with this caveat is that whenever I'd done this for other people, we had never done a first trimester plan, [00:29:00] partly because I don't think they told me maybe until they'd made it through the first trimester. And the second time we did the embryo transfer, I knew I was pregnant almost immediately. Like, I, I felt so different immediately. And I remember when the doctor told me I was pregnant, he goes, " you're like not just pregnant, you're super pregnant." I'm like, "What does that mean?" He's like, "You're supposed to score like a 21. You're at like 120 on like these hormone levels." I'm like, "Okay. Overachieving already. Love this." Um, but
Aleks Lason: my girl.
Kara Duffy: Thank you. But I felt it. Like the first trimester for me was the worst trimester, and not because... I wasn't puking, but I was nauseous the whole time. I could not stay awake. Um, so I didn't have a plan for that first trimester because I knew I'd feel bad, but I didn't realize that I wouldn't function.
And so for the first trimester, I had to make some like moves in the moment. And luckily, like between calls, they're usually spread out with like 30-minute windows. Even [00:30:00] podcast recordings are that way for me. But between every 30 minutes, I was sleeping. Like, I couldn't do sales. I could-- I remember I had to go and, um, I was seven weeks pregnant and I was, um, giving a talk
Aleks Lason: Mm-hmm.
Kara Duffy: a women's conference, and I got there and I'm like, um, "I'm so sorry, but I will not be using the podium.
I will be sitting in a chair to give this entire speech because I cannot stand for 45 minutes." And like just, just a mess in, in the like funniest of ways. So I was mad at my clients about like not telling me about that 'cause we should've, I should've had a plan for that too. But essentially, my business had to quickly shift, where I stopped doing any sales, any outreach. Events, anything I could delete, I deleted, because I was sleeping like 16 hours a day. And that did not [00:31:00] stop until like the day I switched into the second trimester. It was like walking through a veil. But it really impacted my plan for the business because I lost three months of sales pipeline work, which I would argue I'm like still recovering from today but the plan that I had, so my maternity plan was a partial maternity plan where I pre-recorded all the podcasts, so we were done for three months that I could take a full three months off the podcast. I, stopped all speaking events, in-person events. I put all group programs on pause for three months. So I was stopping everything except client work.
Aleks Lason: Mm-hmm. Which I believe you went back to full-time essentially within a month after having Kaia
Kara Duffy: Yeah, I gave my- I told myself 15 days off from the day she was born, dark.
Aleks Lason: Mm-hmm.
Kara Duffy: I [00:32:00] actually took a call with a client on week two 'cause I felt fine, and my client was, had an emergency, like going to New Zealand for something. And I was like, "Yeah, I'll have the baby, but I can talk." And it actually was great. Um, and going back to talking to clients early for me was really important because my parents were here, and I wanted to use my time that they were here to test run everything so I could figure out like what, what would be a hot mess and plan accordingly
Aleks Lason: you, on, the way you think, I, I just love. Operational mindset, I, I love, I admire. It's so funny to me that you're testing operations, because your parents are there and your new- you- newborn, everything, figuring out. Again, building out those systems, making things work. I mean, kara, I'm in... I live in operations, and I didn't function at that mentality.
Kara Duffy: Well, it, like, my mother yelled at me at one point 'cause we were going to one of the baby's, uh, doctor's appointments, [00:33:00] and she's trying to, like, help me, like, get her out of the stroller. I'm like,
"I have to know how to do all of this. Like, you're here for my practice to figure it out, and you're my backup, and I'm sor- like, just let me do it. Like, if I need help, I'll ask." Um, so but that was, like, the whole thing. Going into this knowing I was
doing it by myself, and I say that with a huge asterisk because of how many people have helped me through this process. But knowing that it was like I had to figure it out, it was a very different perspective of, like, none of the romance of becoming a parent was, like, there. It's we have to survive. So, like, how do we... W- I don't know what survival mode looks like yet, so, like, how do we test that? Once we figure out survival mode, then we can layer on the other things. And I think that's what's h- honestly made the transition easier for me than I hear it has been for other people because,
Aleks Lason: Right [00:34:00]
Kara Duffy: um, like the systems and the flow and a baby's schedule, like, we... like I've had to really implement, like treat it like a project. And now we're at a place where it's working, so now I'm like, okay, like now the intentionality is coming in of what type of mom do I wanna be? Like, what are we gonna do together? What does our life look like? Uh, there was still intentionality and like a lot of love through this whole process.
Um, I think, but it's been part of like, babies have such a system, so it's like reading all the time and doing bath times together, and it's there 'cause we're just getting to an interactive point of like romancing childhood,
Aleks Lason: um, tell us about your birth story. I understand you had a C-section.
Kara Duffy: Yes, an emergency C-section.
Aleks Lason: An emergency s- C-section, yeah
Kara Duffy: yeah
So, um, I ended up getting preeclampsia and then it, started moving into eclampsia [00:35:00] And
Aleks Lason: what is the difference between preeclampsia and eclampsia?
Kara Duffy: preeclampsia means you have signs that are trending towards eclampsia, and eclampsia is like, no, now you actually have it. Um,
and it's really dangerous, more dangerous for the mother than the baby most of the time because the risks are having seizures and organs shutting down. I was I do feel like I have the opportunity to write a comedy about a birthing experience now 'cause there's so many details that we haven't even gotten into, but the level that they warn you about other things you do, and they don't for becoming a parent, like a birthing parent, in the sense of you, permanent disfigurement death. Like, all these things that can happen are so high, and, like, they're like, "Just do it. It's great. We need more kids in the world," and you're
Aleks Lason: Women are amazing.
Kara Duffy: Mm-hmm. Yeah. [00:36:00] Um, but yeah, so I had an emergency C-section, and I... It was terrifying, the scariest thing I've ever done, so much so that they, like, wheeled me into OR, the operating room, and I was like, "You know what? It's okay. She can just stay inside. We don't need to take her out."
Aleks Lason: We're done here.
Kara Duffy: I'm not someone that has panic attacks. Have- started having a full panic attack in the OR, uh, to the point where I had, like, asked the nurse to hold my hands because I'm like, "I can't... i, I'll, I'll faint. I'll..." Like, this is not my... You could feel my whole body shutting down because we were so freaked out.
Um, and then between her and the anesthesiologist, nobody else was in the room at the time, like, they got me to calm down. And I'm, like, I was very present to their systems, which I have had to use again with having some postpartum anxiety. But it was terrifying, and then the [00:37:00] drugs they gave me for the spinal tap, my body didn't like. So when my birthing partner came in the room to help me, they walked in "How are you doing?" I'm like, "I am not okay." So for 25 minutes or however long it takes I was not okay and just trying to survive myself. I remember
Aleks Lason: does not okay mean? Can you, can you take us to that?
Kara Duffy: All the signs that my physical body was giving me were like, it shouldn't feel this way. Like I, I felt like I was gonna pass out multiple times, like the whole thing where like your vision starts to go, you hear the roaring in your ears. Like, I would f- be feeling vertigo type things. Yeah, like kind of like h- how you might feel like a- after like a bad rollercoaster ride. I didn't like how any of it felt. It was how my brain was processing what my body was going through [00:38:00] that, all the warning signs were like, "This is not okay. Please make this stop. What can we do?" Started feeling nauseous. They gave me some other drugs for that. I just wanted the experience to be over as fast as possible, and thank God it was a C-section, so it could be over relatively fast.
And then I was also on blood thinners the whole pregnancy as part of like the IVF protocol that I had to be on in particular. And so we had to wait eight hours for me to have the emergency C-section to make sure the blood thinners were out of my system, but they were still going in worried like, "You might bleed out because you're on blood thinners."
And I was like, "Awesome. Anything else that I should sign before we go into this, uh, OR?" Um, and then when I was in the recovery room, I started puking, and the baby had to go to the NICU.
Aleks Lason: Mm-hmm.
Kara Duffy: So like, [00:39:00] and then I couldn't see her for 24 hours. So I kinda went through this crazy, dramatic, traumatizing experience, held a baby for five seconds, saw her for like another 10, and then didn't see her for 24 hours.
Aleks Lason: Okay. Pause there.
Kara Duffy: Mm-hmm.
Aleks Lason: Tell me about that five seconds
Kara Duffy: Um,
it didn't feel real.
Aleks Lason: it, magical? Was, yeah
Kara Duffy: no. Um, no, because I was out of my mind. So I remember hearing Andrew, who's my birthing partner, he was so excited. I remember hearing everyone else being, like, excited and f- magical, and him telling me stuff, and there were, like, snippets of magic that were happening. But I was out of my mind.
I did not like how I felt. I was worried about surviving the experience myself. So, like, I just kept checking in, like, "Was she [00:40:00] fine? Okay, cool, 'cause I'm not fine, and, like, we have to manage this over here, because if I don't get to experience being a mom this is gonna be really frustrating." I will haunt people if this doesn't work out properly.
Um, and so I remember even when we're in the recovery room, 'cause, like, I held her for a little bit, and then they took her, and they were, like, getting me all patched back up, and then they brought me to that room. And then they went to give her to me for skin-to-skin. I started just vomiting, so I couldn't do that.
Andrew had to do it. I've never seen a man take their shirt off so fast. It was so adorable. He was so excited to do it. And then they had to put her... They had to do all these tests to make sure she was okay, and when they realized that she needed to go to the NICU, I remember feeling still so shitty that I could barely look out of the corner of my eye at her, and I was like, "I cannot worry about her right now." Like, all these people are here for her. I still am not okay.
Aleks Lason: [00:41:00] Mm-hmm.
Kara Duffy: It was partly because of all this, like, um, extreme levels of magnesium they had me on. Like, I was so out of my mind. And then for the f- for m- the next 24 hours I couldn't even stay away for, like, 35 minutes at a time. I was del- like, delusional.
I would truly just wake up, be like, "Is she okay? Is she alive? Okay, good," and then go back to sleep. Like, that was the first 24 hours. And then after we got through that, I've been f- I've felt fine ever since. Like, it w- Then it was rapid recovery, walking the next day, feeling fine. Like, everything after that was smooth until I got mastitis. But, um, the f- those 36 hours were
Aleks Lason: Mm-hmm.
Kara Duffy: No fun and not magical
Aleks Lason: Yeah. How, um... Tell me about the importance of having someone like Andrew there with you. How did that help, and why did you choose Andrew and not a mom or a [00:42:00] sister?
Kara Duffy: Yeah.
Aleks Lason: behind that decision?
Kara Duffy: Um, well, I will say that I wrote up SOPs for everyone who wanted to participate because yes, I have them, and I'll probably include them in my substack if people wanna borrow my exact ones. But I, I'm not...
Aleks Lason: uh, before you go on, explain what an sOP is for those
Kara Duffy: operating procedure. I made a full document of everything that I did and did not want to happen, and I, I have to say, like, it was still really minimal for some of these birth plans I've seen because my birth plan was, "I'm alive, she's alive, and she's out of my body." That was ultimately my birth
Aleks Lason: Yeah
Kara Duffy: But I s- there were still a lot of things that went around that, like who could come in the room, and how many people, and did I want... It was like, I think my SOP is a three-page document that includes everything from emergency contacts through to who's in the room and
Aleks Lason: Mm-hmm.
Kara Duffy: Other things. But I just wanted everyone who was in... I [00:43:00] know that when p- you want things to be successful, we need to be really clear to everybody about what, how it's gonna go and what expectations are, and all this. And I had things in there like, "I don't know how I'm gonna respond. I've never done this before.
I might be cracked out of my mind," which ended up being the case. Andrew did not believe me that I would be like that. I was like, "If this happens, you're in charge. You follow the baby. Here's the rules. You're now responsible for this baby 'cause I can't be." And he's like, "Oh, that will not, will never happen. You're in charge of everything." I'm like, "Uh-uh."
Aleks Lason: Did he actually read it? Did anyone
actually read
Kara Duffy: Yes. Well, I walked everyone through it. We
had meetings about it. I had a meeting with him. I was like, "If you're signing up to be my birth partner, this is what it's actually gonna look like
Aleks Lason: And did, did An- did you volun-told Andrew or did Andrew volunteer?
Kara Duffy: Um, I knew I wanted to have somebody in the room with me. I did not have a doula s- and so I knew I wanted somebody who could help be my advocate.
[00:44:00] And I was trying to really, like, feel and not use my logical brain to decide who that right person should be. Um, I knew I wanted to be someone who can keep me calm because I knew that I probably wouldn't be calm in this environment.
It's new. I've never done it. I'm gonna be hopped up on drugs and have other hormones already in my body. And so he and I talked about it, and at one point I was like, "You're on my..." He was asking me "Who's going with you?" I'm like, "Well, you're in my top five." And he was like, "Really? I'd love to do that."
And I did not expect him to say he would love to do that. And for people who don't know this is someone who was a client that I was introduced to through great friends, and we've become essentially best friends since then. And
I did not expect him to be so excited about it. And then we were getting closer, and I said, "Hey, we have to have a, an actual talk about this.
Do you [00:45:00] really wanna do this? Here's what I'm expecting. Here's what you're gonna have to deal with. You're not just dealing with me. You're dealing with, my entire family in this process. Um, I don't know what you're gonna see or not see. You will not be able to erase these things from your memory.
Like, are you okay with that?" really had to go through, like, kind of scaring them away, which is also how I usually interview people in general for all things. But I was like, "This is what it's gonna look like. This is what I need from you." And so writing it all out helped. And then I presented to my parents and to my sister, Jordan, who you know, "Here's what it looks like to be the on-call family members." And I remember a friend of mine asking, like, "25 years from now, are you gonna be glad that Andrew was in the room with you versus someone else?"
Aleks Lason: Mm-hmm.
Kara Duffy: And she said that, and I was like, "Well, let me actually think about it versus just answer quickly." And I was like, "Yeah, like, I actually feel good about that."
And then how he [00:46:00] performed through the entire experience, Exceeded expectations at a level that I cannot measure, and just made it so special. That's what's gonna, that's what's making me cry today. Who he was and how he showed up for myself and Kaia. He was running up and down from the NICU and coming back and being like, "She's the cutest baby in the NICU.
All the nurses said so." Like- he was just playing dad and really being great at it.
Aleks Lason: Mm-hmm.
Kara Duffy: and then
I think my parents were still really confused, like, why I had chosen him. When I was looking at having women in the room with me versus him, I really felt t- felt comfortable having that male energy in the space.
Aleks Lason: Yeah
Kara Duffy: Um, I also knew that he would be able to balance just following the instructions and, like, versus, um, like, I knew he [00:47:00] wouldn't put himself first in the situation. And as much as I love my mother, like, she often stresses me out more than helps in certain situations. And I was like, "We're..." I'm like, "No, we're choosing not that for this experience." Um, but yeah. Like, he always just felt like the right person to be there, and he 10X'd any expectations I had in that process. And so much so that everyone who's, like, met her, all the nurses are like, "Oh, he, she looks just like you. She looks just like her dad."
Aleks Lason: Yeah, that is not the sperm donor.
Kara Duffy: " No." But, like, it still comes up today. Like, if we're out, people assume the three of us are a family,
Aleks Lason: Mm-hmm.
Kara Duffy: and they all say, like, "Oh, she looks just like her dad." And he goes, "I know." Every time. Every time.
Aleks Lason: Clayton, Yeah.
Kara Duffy: Yeah.
Aleks Lason: know. I
Kara Duffy: And so it's very sweet and, um, yeah. I'm, I'm very confident in having chosen this [00:48:00] path. I'm very confident having chosen him as the birth partner, and he followed all of the instructions.
Aleks Lason: Of course you
did
Kara Duffy: yeah, he was, he was perfect. Mm-hmm.
Aleks Lason: Did, we didn't talk about this, but how did you choose the sperm donor? 'Cause my understanding is you had a little party
Kara Duffy: I did to make the final choice. So, um, the doctor that I worked with, their, um... the office had, like, some suggestions for donor banks, and I kind of evaluated the ones, ended up picking one that I felt the most comfortable with, and they just have a directory. And so I had a few genetic things that I carry and just needed to make sure that they didn't carry. And so I had to filter for that first, and then you just kind of choose what you want. You can choose ethnicity, skin color, eye color, height, education levels. And so honestly, I just kind of [00:49:00] put in a profile, like who I would probably date anyway.
Aleks Lason: Mm-hmm.
Kara Duffy: And then we got down to five choices, and then I had my sister and two girlfriends come over, and I had them kind of look at things with me.
But the level of detail is crazy. I remember my one friend was-- said, "I don't know this about my own husband. This is bananas." Because there's family history, there's all the genetics, makeup, their-- they write essays about, like, who they are and what they do and their passions, and talk about their family. The nurses do a write-up who, like, met them in the office, like what was their first impression of this person. And so you a- you get a really interesting, kind of idea of who these different people might be and why they've donated. The level I paid for, you can see pictures of them when they're a kid. I didn't wanna see them as adults 'cause I'm like, chances are I will... I'm really good at remembering faces. I will find this person randomly in an airport one day, and I won't be able to not say something. [00:50:00] Um, so I didn't choose that option, and there was also an option to choose if you wanted to, um, like, hear their voice. They, they left, like, voice notes, and I I didn't wanna pay for that one either because I'm like, after a while, we've already spent so much money. Um, but yeah, so that's how I chose. And honestly,
Aleks Lason: But what, what was on your criteria? What, what was that deciding factor when you narrowed it down to the five? What was the one, the, the few things that you
were like, "This is it"?
Kara Duffy: I liked how they talked about, like, their family and their interests. I liked that they had a balanced mind of, like, they've traveled and they you know, know some of their languages. Um, they played some sports growing up, but they were also, like, very engineer-minded. They had hobbies. They're a well-rounded person. But honestly, the deciding factors, like seeing some of the photos, I was like, "That's the-- That's it." There's just a picture that I just kind of felt was, um, [00:51:00] the right match. Mm-hmm.
Aleks Lason: Um, how soon after Kaia's birth did you get her a passport?
Kara Duffy: Um, three months
Aleks Lason: Yeah, I knew it.
Kara Duffy: I was actually in the hospital, um, with a very serious mastitis turning into sepsis,
Aleks Lason: Mm-hmm
Kara Duffy: and I had already booked the appointment for her to get her photos taken, and I made my sister keep the appointment. I did say she could cancel if she wanted to, but I really wanted her to keep it if she could
Aleks Lason: She knew you did, So she did it
Kara Duffy: So she did it 'cause she's the best. And, um, and She had a great time doing it. Like, um, Kai's a little ham. Like, you give her a camera and she's like, "Hi, hey, hey," like doing all her poses. So I renewed my passport and got her passport as soon as I kinda could, um, imagine kinda handling it
Aleks Lason: Yeah. So I had, um, I had spoken to your mom, dad, [00:52:00] and Jordan,
Kara Duffy: Hmm.
Aleks Lason: Um, I asked them, " what kind of kid were you, when, uh, when you were born?" to just kind of see in comparison to, like, where you're at right now. with kaia being six months. And your mom said that, you pretty much were on your own at 16, that you were born 40 years old already.
Kara Duffy: Yep. Which I have felt my entire life also
Aleks Lason: yeah. And, uh, in comparison to Kaia also, they're finding that she really likes a schedule. She goes by schedule, so we made a joke calendar invite.
Kara Duffy: Yes. No, and, and I'm-- like, for how Type A this conversation is making me seem, like, I'm a lot less than this is coming across, um, because my approach is always "Okay, we'll make a plan," but I'm totally open to the plan changing and evolving. Like, if it doesn't...
Aleks Lason: Yeah. [00:53:00]
Kara Duffy: Real-time pivots or just throwing things out, I'm always okay with. And even with her schedule, i'm like, I don't, I don't wanna be that annoying parent who, like, we can't do things because of whatever time it is. But so most of the time during the day, i'm using it as a loose guide, honestly, to make sure that I'm feeding her enough,
Aleks Lason: Mm-hmm.
Kara Duffy: Um, and she's sleeping enough. But she follows it to a t
Aleks Lason: Mm-hmm.
Kara Duffy: Most of the time. it it's, it's unbelievable how she's just like, "And now I must sleep." And you're like, "Okay, yes, we will put you to sleep now." if I'm, if we're doing something and I'm like, uh, we're out or we're something, like, she will tell me. We we- we had lunch with my insurance broker the other day, and she cried, like, two little like, cries. I knew it meant she was tired. I flipped her over, and she was unconscious on my shoulder in about one minute 'cause she's like, "No, it is time. It [00:54:00] is exactly 2:00, and this is when we are sleeping."
Aleks Lason: And you, you, you as a child used to just be like, "I don't need to be up right now. I can go to bed too."
Kara Duffy: Yeah, I mean, my mother tells me that I just never slept at all.
Aleks Lason: Oh, that's episode What She Said
Kara Duffy: Well, I didn't sleep at all. Um, I was, I was nocturnal. She told me I was nocturnal for, like, the first year. Um, but I don't know how much of that was me choosing or, like if no one chooses, I'll choose, is how I've kinda always been. So I'm wondering if, like, she just didn't give me another choice, so I just was like, "This works for me, so figure it out."
Aleks Lason: Um It was really interesting to hear your parents and your sister say that y- you know, they never actually thought that you wanted to be a mom. And as a friend, I heard, I heard that from you, a need of [00:55:00] that. so almost when you said, "I wanna go in this route," I wasn't surprised. I, I know you as someone who's determined, as if this is what I want, this is what I'm
I'm gonna do the things I want. I'm gonna become a mom, whatever it takes. Um, it was really interesting to hear them say that they were surprised, that they just thought, "Okay, well, if the long-term relationship didn't work out."
there's no partner right now, then she's just gonna focus on her business." And the switch of you becoming a mom and running this business and learning patience maybe a little differently and that the, there's this, seems like ongoing joke of running a business is not like having a baby
Kara Duffy: Interesting. From them? Like that's their joke that they're having on their own?
Aleks Lason: Like my, my, like we know, Right I think both, both you and I know that people think that having children is not like running a business, but it almost kind of is. You put in the same processes. Like, you write [00:56:00] SOPs on birth, birth, uh, moments. There's a lot of this organization and systems that go into it that I actually think raising a family and, like, having babies is like running a business, and I just wanna know what you think
Kara Duffy: I totally agree. I mean, I also look at all of my businesses as projects. I think of life as a bunch of projects all the time, and whether I say, call it that on a regular basis or not, like, that's still how it feels. Like, The more that we provide, like some sh- give it structure, give it some architecture.
Part of why I focus on operations first so much is 'cause, like once the boring dumb stuff is handled, we get to do the fun stuff. I actually don't like opera-- Like, I don't like spending my time in operations. It's just, um,
a zone of my genius that allows me to do the other parts. Like, it's part [00:57:00] of what's made me a good at being intrapreneur in a company and like what makes me a good entrepreneur is like I can do those things, but like we're doing it fast and quick and like I don't wanna spend a lot of time thinking about it.
Like, once it's done, it's kinda done. 'Cause I'd rather talk about the creative parts and the parts that we get to put in the romance and imagination and the fun and like all that other stuff. But having a kid up to this point has felt to me just like another project that we're layering into, like this portfolio of life. Um, I do think having a dog prepares you for having a kid.
Aleks Lason: Uh, yeah, I agree
Kara Duffy: and, uh, and I do think you and I have had unique experiences where a lot of our life that's happened has not been around family, and so there's a level of like not having people to depend on to get things done. So it's like, okay, how do, how do I [00:58:00] expand my life, whether it's adding a dog or adding businesses or adding additional businesses or adding kids? How do I expand without having expanded resources?
Aleks Lason: Mm-hmm.
Kara Duffy: And I mean, that is a business strategic decision all by itself. And just like in business, it's like, okay, what are your systems? What is your team? What does the routine and schedule look like? What is day-to-day stuff? What has to get done versus nice to have or would like to? What are the things that really matter and you're willing to throw out everything else if you can keep those three things?
Aleks Lason: Mm-hmm.
Kara Duffy: So I think it's a lot of those conversations over and over again. And I also think, like business, when you choose to be an entrepreneur, your values get like, brighter, more refined. I'm totally fine not, like having my day end at 6:30 and going through like bath time, [00:59:00] bedtime, like the day is done. I'm totally fine with that. I don't feel like I'm missing out, I think because I prepared for it to be the worst experience I could imagine from like a logistics and health perspective. I think that's kind of the benefit of doing this older. I love being a mom, 1,000 out of 10 recommendation. My daughter's amazing. We have such a great little life that we're building together. That, like so much so that my brain, before I consciously brought it up, my subconscious was like, "Maybe she needs a sibling." And I was like, "Where is that coming from?" And so I would say like around three months that whatever that hormone is already started activating to be like, there should be more. And I don't know like where that fits on the spectrum of reality because even if I do want more, there's the logistics and the resources and the money like all expands. [01:00:00] So I don't know what's possible, but it's been such a good experience so far that I'm not horrified by my subconscious making those recommendations
Aleks Lason: Right. Um, how are you feeling now?
Kara Duffy: Since I stopped pumping, I feel so much better.
Um, I essentially
Aleks Lason: you were str- you were having some struggles with breastfeeding you were saying?
Kara Duffy: It wasn't struggles with the breastfeeding. I just kept getting mastitis. So I had t- committed very earl- early on to pumping and bottle feeding because I needed to not have her attached to me for feeding because I had to go back to work. I had to have help. And so everything was great, hunky-dory, and truly the week, same week my parents left, I got mastitis and got, went to the hospital.
But it allowed me to call in the village to make everything work, and I realized that I learned I was an over-producer. I didn't know. So we had, like, all this, you know, breast milk frozen in the freezer. [01:01:00] So she had no interruptions on her schedule. And then I was gonna keep going, but then essentially on the month for two more months thereafter, I kept getting an infection,
Aleks Lason: Mm-hmm.
Kara Duffy: it was giving me so much PTSD and so much anxiety because when I got mastitis the first time, I didn't know I had it until it went into sepsis form.
Aleks Lason: Oh gosh
Kara Duffy: it was me not listening to my body or me, whatever I was feeling was, like, so close to regular needing to pump feelings that I had this whole breakdown of trusting my body and trusting that it would tell me when something was wrong. And so that was giving me, it's so much anxiety, that I just decided around four and a half months, we weaned off and stopped. And since I've stopped, I feel so much better. I can feel the hormone shift happening. If this is TMI for anyone, I've already gotten my period again which I didn't know if I'd get 'cause I'm like, "I don't know. Maybe I'll just go right into perimenopause. Who knows what's happening?" [01:02:00]
Aleks Lason: Your
body's just like, "What?"
Kara Duffy: Yeah, we're over it.
Um, so it was stopping felt really good, and my whole commitment the whole time was just to make it to three months pumping. Um, I never imagined myself being a long-term breastfeeder.
Aleks Lason: Mm-hmm.
Kara Duffy: I really like the European model of parent-raising and what family life looks like. And some go long, but the kinda average is to end at three months. So that was what I was thinking about. So I just kept being like, "If we-- anything we make past then is bonus."
Aleks Lason: Mm-hmm.
Kara Duffy: that transition for her has been no big deal, and I'm just really glad that I'm not... Basically, I would be sick and recover for a week, have two good weeks, and the cycle would start again,
Aleks Lason: Yeah
Kara Duffy: which has kept me from being social and being able to see people and
Aleks Lason: Yeah. [01:03:00]
Kara Duffy: Launch things at work, turn things back on at work that I wanted to. But I have a really great schedule right now of a nanny three days a week, and those are the three days that I run three businesses. And then the other two days out of the five business days, I do some work, depending on if I need to do a team call or a client's open to having a call when they know I don't have support with a nanny.
Do some emails if she's sleeping, but my priorities are being a mom, and I've redone my entire schedule so that my days end around 3:30, 4:00 latest. Because no matter what time of year it is, I wanna be able to go outside with her and go to the park and do afternoon activities because I became a mom to be a mom, not just to have a kid.
Aleks Lason: Yeah
Kara Duffy: And so I'm proud of, like, where we're at so far. I'm really proud of [01:04:00] that my kinda A plan has been working. But I would definitely advise people differently about the pregnancy portion so that things didn't go off the rails as much as they did. Essentially, nothing I had planned in my business, like on my goals list for the year I was pregnant, none of them went the way that I thought they would. And so now we're getting back to normal and putting those back into place now, and I get to re-choose them all.
Aleks Lason: Yeah.
Kara Duffy: Just a month before she was born, I started, like, changing my whole team, changing my whole tech stack. So we decided to just, like, let's just make it all messy and rebuild it again later, all at the same time,
Aleks Lason: Yeah
Kara Duffy: which I'm totally fine with
Aleks Lason: I think we did the same thing.
Kara Duffy: Mm-hmm.
Aleks Lason: So what does the future for Kara look like?
Kara Duffy: Oh my goodness. I'm having the, right [01:05:00] now, the, the present tense is I am basically deconstructing my entire house. Not taking walls down, but like redoing the whole layout because now that she's here and knowing like what zones we need or don't need I'm changing the layout of things so that they work for us and all the things we want.
I like to figure out how to have it all and not compromise, so we're redoing that to make everything work. And now that we've hit the six-month mark, I'm reintroducing more things. So we're looking at what it means to start doing speaking events again. What does it look like to start traveling again?
And I think that's still a little bit in design phase. I'm starting to do some more reach-outs and I have been going to some networking events. She's come to some networking events. I took her to a book signing and conversation on Saturday. I'm just bringing her. And I'm even having people who are asking to do networking lunches and things.
I'll just say, "Here are the [01:06:00] days that I have childcare. Here are the days I don't. I'm open to meeting either, but you choose if you want a baby there or not." And it's some people are like, "Ooh, I want the baby there. Let's do it on that day." And other people are like, "Nah, let's do it on a, on a nanny day."
Aleks Lason: Right
Kara Duffy: Um, but no, I have my Substack is coming out, um, in a few weeks from when we recorded this. That's been really fun to build and put together. I'm excited about having that space to share all the things, the business, the motherhoods. I think also I'm excited to share my list for my registry because I'm a pretty minimalistic parent, and
Aleks Lason: Yeah, registry was a whole k- a whole thing for you.
Kara Duffy: Um, of the times I did cry d- when I was pregnant that wasn't just, like, a commercial that made me sad or emotional, um, I had a complete meltdown building the registry, so much so that Jordan was laughing at me about it. I had her do a first draft, and then I just started losing my [01:07:00] shit about it because it's really overwhelming to be making a list of things you're gonna need when you don't know how it's actually gonna go and what you're gonna like or not like, what the baby's not gonna like or not like, like or not like. I was getting so frustrated with how much stuff all these other people were recommending that we needed.
Aleks Lason: Mm-hmm.
Kara Duffy: And the biggest fights I had with my fertility doctor were, like, what he wouldn't let me do. Like, I was on major restrictions, and I know that they do this because they have to choose the safe route to get you to the end goal that you want.
But, like, I wasn't allowed to do anything the f- like, I couldn't even walk my dog the first trimester. I'd have a whole s- spreadsheet w- with friends and family doing it, and neighbors, and I had to ask so many people to help me that I, at a level I've never asked for help before. But he and I would get in arguments because I was like, " There are mothers in [01:08:00] Mongolia riding horses while they're pregnant. This is ridiculous. We are being way too extreme." And I feel the same way about, like, all the baby stuff. Babies need food, and they need love, and after that, everything else is a bunch of 90% capitalist nonsense. And it just drives me insane with how much money people are spending. I did not make her a nursery before she was born.
Aleks Lason: Mm-hmm.
Kara Duffy: I'm just now deciding, like, is it really a, a, a bedroom, or is it really more a playroom that happens to have a sleeping space in it? There's just so much that we don't need, and even the fears of bed sharing, not bed sharing. We've been bed sharing for months now, and she sleeps 12 hours. Why would I choose anything that doesn't equal 12 hours of sleep for her?
Aleks Lason: Yeah. No, I, I'm on your side here.
Kara Duffy: So I have lots of opinions, and I'm excited to put a lot of my opinions and my lists of recom- do's and don'ts into the, a part of [01:09:00] the Substack, along with Powerful Ladies stuff and business things. So that's
really what I'm super excited about. I also am gonna be repositioning a part of the Kara Duffy Coaching Consulting, like the business education side, to focus a lot on really tremendous guest speakers and that community building component that I like so much. And now that I can leave my house and feel like a human, I can do again. But I really wanna bring this global group of people, that I have in my network together to be able to do great things, but also just learn from people who are doing incredible things right now, 'cause there's so much change happening. And as much as I do think that there are some parts of what we're calling AI, which is mostly algorithms, makes me irritated, but there's so much change happening in how we do life and we do business today that, I wanna be able to talk to experts who are maybe doing things in [01:10:00] what I think is a more grounded way to do it, a more realistic way to do it. 'Cause I... What I do know that I personally want right now is I want I want calmer, I want more feminine, I want better, but less but better in my life. And so I wanna be able to share that with other people. I just keep coming back to recreating my lifestyle in Europe here. And I just did a podcast recording with my friend emily. But we were talking about how the admin lift, the personal admin lift in the US right now is so high, and how do we minimize that? How do we stop having to do less admin work for our lives and just start enjoying our lives more? So that's another area I'm excited to, to dive into.
Aleks Lason: Ton of admin.
Kara Duffy: Yeah, that's why I'm pro what do we delete?
Aleks Lason: It's funny how family will have one perspective, friends will have [01:11:00] another, and then there's like the Kara story too, and I'm just like, "Okay." I feel like we all have these incredible things about us. You are, like you're always gonna be that person in the family who's business-oriented, business first. I see you as that friend that I feel like I can go and talk to about business, and there's zero judgment and all this. And I love the fact that your dad wanted to be a part of the name selection so bad that he created a spreadsheet of names, and Kaia was on that spreadsheet. I said to him, "There is no way you could have spoke more Kara than that."
Kara Duffy: No, it, it really was the moment of like my dad sending it through and I was like, "Yes, my dad sees me." Because the, the naming process for me was also really overwhelming. I had a much shorter list for boy names than girl names, and at one point there was like [01:12:00] 235 names on the list. I do not recommend this insane process for other people, but this is where the fact that I'm a Libra can come up sometimes. She did not have a name until the day we left the hospital.
Aleks Lason: Mm.
Kara Duffy: And I kept kinda like... 'Cause naming things is so important to me, like the marketing side of my brain was like, "This name is actually... It really matters. It's gonna impact different things." Like I want it to have some purpose and meaning and I also just didn't want it to be like anot- like another name that was out there.
So her first name is a hyphenated Kaia-Roux. That's her first name. But I had gotten the list down to maybe 50, and then my dad was so sweet and was like so... He's like, "You don't need to do anything with this list, but here's a list I put together." And it just so happened that he had like five names on his list that matched mine. And I hadn't let anyone participate in the naming [01:13:00] process at all at that point. And so when I saw that Kaia was on both of our lists, and I love that it has so many meanings from a lot of different cultures. I like that ab- I like the, the meaning of them in all the cultures as well, and I obviously am partial to K names. And then it was great 'cause then when I was in the hospital with Andrew, he and I got to like... 'Cause I knew if I met her, it would help so much. more. And I think maybe the, most bizarre out-of-body experience was when I was holding her the first time, I was like, "Who are you and where did you come from?" Like, I know lo- logically that you just came out of my body, but, like, that's not really. You didn't actually. Like, where did you come from? And then when I finally got to go and see her in the NICU just getting to introduce myself was, like, such a fun experience. And then looking at her and being like, "What is your name supposed to be?"
Like, "Can you give me a sign?" "Can you cry if you [01:14:00] like any of these names or don't like them?" But it was fun to let Andrew be included and go through my logic with him and, and narrow it down. And I didn't even realize until... 'Cause they always had our names on for mom and dad on the board. And then it just said baby, like, female for a long time. And then when they put her name up, I was like, "Oh, shit, I named her after us and didn't even realize it." 'Cause the board said Kara, Andrew, Kaia-Roux, and I'm like, "Oops."
Aleks Lason: Oh, oh
Kara Duffy: Yeah. I didn't even realize I had done that until it was on the board, and, like, now I kinda love that that's what happened. But Roux was always on my list. I thought it might be her first name. And then I t- I wanted... I didn't know if people could handle Ru because people can't say French words often. And so I was like, "I'll be a grown-up and give her an easier to say name as... But I'll hyphenate it so that she gets to choose." And we often call her [01:15:00] just Ru. We being Andrew and I. But she goes by all of the things. But
Aleks Lason: I love that. Oh, I love that so much. Um, She's a Scorpio, you're a Libra.
Kara Duffy: Yes
Aleks Lason: What's the, um- compatibility between Scorpio and Libras. Do you know what that looks like?
Kara Duffy: Well, it's, it's really interesting 'cause her birthday's exactly a week after mine. We're seven days different. And I... She was supposed to be due in November, and I really thought she wanted to be cool and have a birthday in October like her mom, and I was right. And what-- Another thing that makes me mad about, like, her taking after Andrew is kaia is a Scorpio sun, a Cancer rising, and a, an Aquarius moon.
Aleks Lason: Hmm.
Kara Duffy: is a Cancer sun, a Libra rising, and an Aquarius moon. I'm like, "She can't keep sharing more things with you than with me." Like, this is bullshit. Um, so she's essentially, like, [01:16:00] all water, which means more intuitive, more emotional.
Like, I'm a Virgo rising, um, and a Libra and a Leo. Like, all my stuff's in the same part of it, of the chart. I remember Andrew saw it once and he goes, "If I just saw your chart and didn't know you, I would think you were totally imbalanced 'cause everything's in one place." And so I think that there's gonna be some very interesting expansion of my empathy and emotional touchpoints having her as a child.
Aleks Lason: Mm-hmm
Kara Duffy: feel it now, like the, my empathy has gone up significantly since just becoming a mom. And I'm actually really excited to figure out where I need to give her space or not. It's also really frustrating to know that no matter what you're gonna do, you're gonna traumatize your kids in some capacity.
So how can I traumatize her as gently as possible versus, like, how can I give her little T trauma versus big [01:17:00] T trauma? There, there's no way around it, so i'm gonna be trying to choose wisely to just guide her. Cause she's already her own person. It's very cool that she's, By the time she kinda, like, clicked online around two months, she was already her own person, and it's really fun to see.
If people want to hear more depth of any of the things that we spoke about, uh, I will be, like, I plan on writing Substacks in more detail about some of the different phases and the processes and, like, how I chose my doctor, and I wanna share some of the methodology. There's actually a lot of women who, since I shared I was doing this, have come to me about their their own journey to become a mom on their own or with their partner. I've sent two friends to my doctor one who is currently pregnant with twins and one who is looking at adopting a whole embryo. And then I have another friend in another [01:18:00] state who's doing this themselves. So it's been really cool to see other women have so many questions, and it's not talked about a lot. So I do plan on putting a lot of the details and the here's what I did and here's how this went in there. So I'd recommend people make sure that they come and subscribe to the Substack. And feel free to also submit questions. I'm really happy to answer any of this and talk about it. So yeah, any questions people have they can email us or, you know, comment wherever they're listening to this. episode. But I'm really glad that you were doing this. I was a little bit nervous of like, "Ooh, what's this gonna bring up?" But, I felt very safe having you be asking the questions.
Aleks Lason: I hope it went in the direction you wanted it to. Again, Kara, thank you so much for letting me do this. I really appreciate it. I'm very, very, very, very proud of you
Kara Duffy: Thank you No, I'm so happy to be where I am today, and we're having so much fun, and she's so great. Um, I just, I really am just in so much [01:19:00] gratitude for all of the things and all the miracles and everything that's happening. So, um, yeah. I'm just... I feel so lucky. Thank you
Kara Duffy: Thanks for listening to the Powerful Ladies Podcast. If you enjoyed this conversation, please subscribe, leave us a review, or share it with a friend. Head to thepowerfulladies.com where you can find all the links to connect with today's guest, show notes, discover like episodes, enjoy bonus content, and more.
We'll be back next week with a brand-new episode and new amazing guest. Make sure you're following us on Instagram or Substack @powerfulladies to get the first preview of next week's episode. You can find me on all my socials @karaduffy.com. Until then, I hope you're taking on being powerful in your life.
Go be awesome and up to something you love
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Created and hosted by Kara Duffy
Audio Engineering & Editing by Jordan Duffy
Production by Jordan Duffy
Graphic design by Jordan Duffy
Music by Joakim Karud
